We had a great weekend......

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
We had a great weekend......
6
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:36pm
Our weekend was so much fun! I really enjoyed it. So WHY do I continue to question this relationship? We want a lot of the same things, but their are just certain things "missing". I don't want to have issues with certain things, but sometimes he is just so different. Sometimes I want to get dressed up. M seems to be happy in his t-shirts and shorts. I enjoy staying in nice hotels. That is the professional background of having worked in hotels for many years. I enjoy the beauty of them. M feels uncomfortable in them. Then their is the constant softball games, the constant interaction of his X wife, the idea of having to one day maybe live in the middle of BFE with these people around me all the time. The differences of our past. I try to be so positive about our similiarities and how much much we fit in other areas that are really important to me, but the major thing I guess is the constant involvement of the X/her husband and these games. I don't know how to bring it up or if I even have the "place" to bring it up. I think I am going to make myself more rare. So I can avoid them where I can. Every time I even hear the word softball, I get extremely down. I just hate sitting their in the middle of nowhere spitting sunflower seeds. And the X wife and her husband always around. I have been able to avoid them, but then went to one yesterday night and it just brought me totally down again. I feel so uncomfortable and M tends to become a little distant. I think it's because the X wife is around. Usually we hold hands and snuggle all the time ,but when we are at those games, he just kind of gets different and I get so quiet and my attitude changes so drastically as well. I think he gets weirded out about affection around the X. That is ok, because for some strange reason, I do the same when my X's are around. I don't have a thing for them, but I just feel odd being affectionate around them with someone else. Maybe that is an issue we both need to ask ourselves about, or maybe it's just a normal thing. I do it out of respect, even though they never showed any towards me. I think M is the same. Any thoughts? Anyway, M asked what was wrong and I just said I was tired from our trip to Florida. It again put the damper on the end of our weekend. I need to stay away. It just makes me think so much about how to handle it down the line and what I should, could, need to do. If it's all enough for me... I think I need more time to myself too. I am starting to question if I am really ready to ever live with someone again and possibly get re-married one day. I love and enjoy my freedom and alone time. However, I love my time with M too. When he isn't around, I miss him terribly. I'm glad I don't need to make any over night decisions about anything, but I do tend to start overthinking a lot of things. Don't get me wrong. M is really a wonderful person. He is so genuine and so good to me. We are really good for each other. I just still have this "life" I want to live and M seems so settled. He says he isn't, but I have yet to see a different M. But his idea, if he were single, would be to be a wild party biker guy. LOL AND that definitely doesn't fit my profile. How much time do I give to figure it all out? Do I need to know it now? Why can't I overlook some of this stuff? I just have this feeling I am causing my own self misery, because I am picking on someone that is really a wonderful person and treats me so well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 12:53pm

Keep your head in the present. You are such a creative type- I know because I have the same kind of imagination.

DEFINITELY avoid the games. That is his deal with his kids and exw and past - it does nothing but upset the two of you - so there is not even a positive to attending. And I am sure you can find something better to do. For sure. Especially since you are the one man band of your house.

Find other things to do besides going to hotels all dressed up or not dressed up. I used to work in them too so I know what you mean. But you are in a whole new world. Shake it up the way it should be for both of you. There must be a ton of stuff you can enjoy together?

Do not dwell in the past. This is a new day!! You are always going to have differences and isses - but you can learn to go over, under and around them to get to the other side. I think you are doing very well and want to see this blossom. I don't see these issues as insurmountable. But you have to decide what is best for you!!

Keep cuddling!! I think if you take it slow and just be with him for a couple years you will decide what is right? It is not like you have to be on a fast track for marriage. You already have your kids, right? You want to be happy - take your time.

Hope this helps!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 1:16pm

Everytime I come back from one of those games I get so horribly depressed, so I think I just really do need to stay away. I just know that M wants me around to support the girls and I know of people that I work with that say I need to. I know that M wants to attend Nina's soccer matches. However those softball games bring me down horribly. I just feel so forced into them. Next weekend we are supposed to go to the beach and his girls and M know of kids (the girls friends) that are playing the championship in the vacinity. The thought was that the game would be on a Saturday and I told M, no way am I going. I told him I don't know those kids, the only reason I even go is because of his DD's and that otherwise, I don't like them. I told him very clearly that I'm softballed out. He didn't say anything, except we'll see. So then we go to this dumb scrimage game and the opponent team is the one going to the beach. They find out they have to play Sunday, so M says, great, we will wake up early on Sunday, check out of the hotel and on the way back we will go and watch the game. GRRRRRR!!!! This is what I didn't want to do. And yet..........

So I am seething. And now I am actually thinking of telling him to go up in separate cars because I will want to get up and take a walk on the beach, eat breakfast, spend a few hours up their before slowly driving home again in the later afternoon. Just so he knows, he can't force me into those things. what does he not understand with: " I am so over these games, I am softballed out and I am not going to go watch another one of people I don't know." What more do I have to make that clear?

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Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 2:08pm

I think your idea of separate cars is good - you should not go to the games. There are plenty of ways to support his girls without attending and having to put up with the glare of the exwife's husband.

And the thing is you have to set boundaries. His happiness should not bring about displeasure for you. That is his family - and his responsibility. He might not like the boundaries but he will get over it. Stick to it.

In time it may get better. I mean this is all new and all eyes are on you. I think after a few more months it won't be an issue and you might not even mind a game or two if it is in a good place and only every once in a while.

Just make sure that you express your needs in a manner that is positive and thoughtful of his feelings. Don't just explode. If you have to take a little time to cool down I think that is okay.

Edited - forgot to add that what you do Sunday morning should be good for both parties - it is not fair that he drags you to the games of kids that are not your own!! I would hate that too - almost to the point of saying if that is that important to you I can find something else to do for the weekend!! I think you do have to speak your mind and set a boundary now. But try to do so nicely. Keep us posted!!




Edited 6/25/2007 2:11 pm ET by cl-west1745
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Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 7:48am
Kat, how are you doing sweetie - you sounded so frustrated yesterday - and I understand - did you get to any conclusions? Keep us posted, okay! We are rooting for you first of course - but like everything you type about M!
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Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 8:30am

Definately take two cars so that you can be off doing what you want to as well. It's your weekend too. I wouldn't be mean about it, I would just state the facts as they are. Just tell him "hey I'd like to spend some time doing things that I want to do while you are at the game and then after the game we can do something together that we both like".

Personally I hate it when guys say "we'll see". Makes me feel like a child being placated.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:16pm
Thanks for asking Judy. All you have to do is read my new thread. I feel so dumb being so upset about this, but on the other hand, I'm really upset. ARGH! Do I feel DUMB!