We may be living together......

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
We may be living together......
10
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 9:58am

I'm happy...and not happy about it.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:20am

I'll give you my opinion - but it's strictly coming from my personal background. Take from it what you wish.

I was raised to believe you do not marry someone until you've lived with them for a while. My mom believes if she had lived with my dad she would not have married him, she would have seen who he truly was and would have walked away (this would have been bad for my sister and me, but good for my mom). I lived with two bf's before living with my ex-h. Living with my bf's the first two times allowed me to see them for who they truly are and that was good. I lived with my ex-h 2 years before we married and I am not sure it made much of a difference either way, I was going to make the mistake of marrying him no matter what because he was nice and that's what I thought was best for me at the time (I was 23 btw).

Now that I have a dd I would not live with someone before marriage (with one exception, which I will get to). I feel I can judge someone's character, values, and compatibility in the relationship without doing that. I know my bf and I would be fine co-habitating, I don't need a trial run to tell me that. We spend time in each other's homes and we know how it would be if we are together.

The exception is that if I were in your situation, where marriage was planned and happeningn very soon, and the move-in was a timing thing due to the difficulties in selling two homes and buying one new one (or even just ending leases and buying a home together) I would do it. I think it's really hard to get that timing right, the housing market does not care when your wedding is.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:51pm

If you're stuck living together for a month of two because of the real estate situation, I don't see a problem with it. If there's a larger issue, like you aren't sure if you'll be going through with the wedding after he moves in with you or if you are dissatisfied with him in some way..then that's a whole other story.

Personally, I wouldn't live with my boyfriend at all because my son is so young and my exh is such a jerk. He'd probably take me to court over it, and the state where I live is very conservative. If it was me, I'd marry in a civil ceremony first and then have the religious or whatever wedding that I was planning. (however,I see us running off to Vegas. No more church weddings)

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:26pm

Oh, I definatley plan on going through with this.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 2:48pm
I did the civil ceremony when I got married. No one else knew about it, then 5 months later we had a church wedding. I wasn't pregnant or anything, but we needed to be married to qualify for the place where we wanted to live. It was either get married and get the place. Or not get married and lose the place. I was kind of disappointed that we were forced into getting married before the church wedding. In the end, it didn't matter because we're happily divorced from each other now :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:09pm

You are so hiliarious - although I know the pain of what you went through was not. LOL!!

I think you are fine to live together under the circumstances - it is not the ideal fairy tale or dream situation - but it is life and it shows that you two are doing what it takes to manage the difficult housing situation. I guess you could look at the bright side too that he is selling his house and moving in with you so you have less upset to your life.

This happened to me and my exh - we were engaged with the wedding firmly planned - dress bought - reservations for everything - downpayments on stuff - gifts rolling in. And his lease came up for renewal and it was obvious he was not going to sign another lease when the wedding was 2 months away. So he moved in with me. This was when we were in our 20s and he didn't have much stuff.

Just like Tricia it doesn't matter now because we are also happily divorced. That situation had nothing to do with it.

I think marriage has a lot of twists and turns for things in life and you have to learn to balance them so the situation is good for everyone. As long as you keep coming up with win win solutions you are 90% of the way there to success.

Good luck!! Keep us posted. I am sure the housing market will "fire up" some near the summer when many families start to move. And you will have some of the work done for the move and new house - imagine trying to sell 2 houses when you found the house of your dreams and don't want to lose it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 6:03pm

I think since you have already determined that you are committing yourself to one another in marriage that it doesn't matter one iota if you move in now or until after you say "I do".

And I didn't live with my ex-husband before marriage. If I had, I wouldn't have married him, and oh the pain that would have saved.

I DID live with TT before we were married. For well over a year, in fact. I don't regret one single second of it.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 6:13am

I lived a year with my X husband before we were married and it was terrific. It was when the ring on my finger that he reared his ugly head and I am now HAPPILY divorced from "The scum at the bottom of the pond."

LOL.

I would rather live with a man before I married, but I don't think it makes much of a difference, now that I've learned otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:17am

Isn't that the truth? You can live with a man and you won't know what a big jerk he is until after your married. This was the case with my exh. I practically lived with him for two years because I was always spending the night at his place. He got worse immediately after our wedding and we had our own place. He got so much worse after the birth of our son.

After our son was born, I think he thought I really and truly belonged to him and no other man would have me. (he actually said as much when we separated). Ha! Even if no other man would have me, I'm better off on my own. No jerks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:23am
I love this. AS usual there is no strict rule here and it seems to work differently for different people. I was looking for something more definite when I looked through the posts. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 10:59am

I think you and I were sisters in a former life. Every one of your posts sounds like mine.

My exh also reared his ugly head after our wedding and ESPECIALLY after my son was born. He became a member of the "entitlement" club - that is - he was no longer responsible for his actions and didn't care about me - only about himself and what he was entitled to.

YES - better alone than with Mr. Wrong!!