We talked, sort of

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
We talked, sort of
48
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:03pm

Hello and happy mid week to all.


Last night I talked with Blue Eyes on the phone. I was really very calm (the two days to collect my thoughts and make sure I was not reactive and accusitory really helped) as I expressed my dissappointment in how Sunday went down. It was a pretty long yet relatively calm talk (I did 95 percent of the talking...he just listened) but I will just say here what everything really boiled down to...my main issue being that I felt like I took second place on Sunday (as I have on previous occasions) and my feelings were hurt. I was hoping for an appology or that a light would go off in his head, a kind of understanding. Well, it was more or less like talking to a very quiet wall.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 1:58pm

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 3:22pm

When J and I ended our relationship, he said he wanted to "take a break".


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 4:03pm

Hugs Pac. I've been a little preoccupied with my DD this week, but dropped in to try and catch up a little with you.

As you know, this is the exact reason I broke it off with my summer guy. To help ME take the break up better (and maybe him a little also) was that I was thinking of HIM also. If we were to have stayed together he would have been miserable too. My requirements for him to be with me was that he was to curb his drinking (3 or 4 not 10-12). He knew from the get go how I felt about excessive drinking and he said he would curb his drinking. He had chances to do this. I never said a word but let him go to see what he would do. He couldn't seem to do this and claimed that he had to keep busy doing things. He couldn't concsciously do this on his own. Therefore, how was he going to be happy in a relationship that he couldn't do what made him happy. Did he want to be with a nag? That's what it would have turned into.

Personally, I don't want to be a nag. I don't want to have to control the number of drinks one has as they should be able to do that themselves. I don't want to worry as I am coming home from work or shopping or where ever what kind of shape he would be in. I don't want the responsibility of keeping him busy so he doesn't drink.

I thought too much of him to keep him. I wanted him to be happy and I knew he wouldn't be happy with me in the long run. He kept telling me that he could be put on a leash by me. I don't want to put anyone on a leash.

Hope this helps a little.

If not, there's always chocolate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:03pm

Hi again everyone,


Here's the summary to save you from having to read the details that follow...lol. Blue Eyes called, apologized, and took it upon himself to admit to a dependance on alcohol. He wants to stop. He asks for my help, guidance. I am asking you all here where I can begin as to pointing him out to the right direction. He is asking for help!


I wish I could write everyone of you back personally, as each of you has so thoughtfully told my your feelings on this, and have helped me tremendously.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:22pm

Hi Pac,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 5:30pm

"He defended himself and his actions (and drinking)

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 6:46pm

Hugs Pac,

I know everyone will have a lot of cautions for you. Finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself is a GREAT idea. I have been going to a Codependent recovery group for 3 1/2 years now. The one I go to is faith based and a life saver! There are also lots of great books to read about Codependency... if you are interested in "helping" Blue Eyes, then learning the ins and outs about this thing called "codependency" is a great first step for YOU. In learning about this you will be better able to "help" him because you will learn boundaries, and "detaching with love" and the tricks that an addict use to keep you within his cycle (those moments of relapse, etc). The book that helped me most was "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beaty. Another awesome book (which is scripturally based) is Henry Cloud / Townsend's "Boundaries".

And just a caution for you... addicts call Al-Anon... Al-Anazi, because most addicts don't want to lose their enabler or codependent counterpart. But believe me, keep going!! I was surprised at how many other areas in my life were affected by my codependency. For example, my job, my kids, my family.... when i started recovery from Codependency all my other relationship improved as well...

I pray you will find a meeting that works for you and a support group of women (other than here, of course)....

Love,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:03pm

Holy cow. That is a lucky surprise, really. Because it is very rare that a drinker would admit this right off the bat from my experience. I am wondering if the cancer scare helped this one along.

Well, then, it is the answer you wanted to hear. Of course as you know you have a long row to hoe together but have taken the hardest step and that is the first step. They say that 50% of the work is for the person to admit they have the problem in the first place and that they want to change it.

I guess my reaction would be that it is worth a try if you really think that you would not change him any other way and you like him the way that he is for the other things in his life. And that you will keep your standards and boundaries in place and know it is a risk.

I guess the biggest challenge now is that he has to find a program he likes and he has to live his decision, including standing up to his belief in front of his friends who like to drink.

Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:19pm

I'm glad you guys had a chance to talk again. And I'm glad you got some answers from him! I'm actually surprised that he is admitting to having a problem with his drinking, but I can't say I trust that he is fully aware of what that means for him (if he is going to give it up). It might mean having to give up his friends, if they are not going to help him with this, and would rather drink instead, and keep waving it around in front of him. It's surely not going to be an easy thing for BlueEyes.


And while I am happy for you guys for some resolution and a start for a step forward... I do hope that he won't be relying on YOU too much to help him. If you end up having to be the person to "police" his alcohol use, then he might grow to resent your "help" if he wants it and you say he can't. It's not supposed to be you who gets him to stop. It should be HIM, who learns to police himself. So I'm not sure what he thinks is the help he wants from you. But he shouldn't be expecting you to be the bad guy in this process and be the one to keep him in line.


Yay for him, but I guess I am a bit jaded... this is one of those situations where I will believe it (and trust it) only when I see it. Alcohol addiction is just not an easy thing to give up- not that I've ever had to deal with it myself- but that I've seen many who relapse back into it several times because the addiction is just that strong. And alcohol is just that readily available, and hard to avoid.


Prayers for you guys! I know Blue Eyes will need strength if he is going to do this.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 7:54pm

>>Because it is very rare that a drinker would admit this right off the bat from my experience.<<

Actually, in MANY cases an addict will admit they have a problem as a tactic to keep people in his life... or an addict thinks admitting is the only thing they have to do...

While it's a great first step, HE will need to follow thru beyond just saying "yes, i have a problem." or "I need you to help me stop." (btw that is a red flag statement right there... He should take ownership of his recovery and not put it on someone else. My ex was a master at manipulation and guilt. He would very quickly admit he had a problem one day to get me to stay and than the next start blaming me again... it just went back and forth...

Addiction is truly a complicated thing...

Loonybunny