We talked, sort of
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We talked, sort of
| Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:03pm |
Hello and happy mid week to all.
Last night I talked with Blue Eyes on the phone. I was really very calm (the two days to collect my thoughts and make sure I was not reactive and accusitory really helped) as I expressed my dissappointment in how Sunday went down. It was a pretty long yet relatively calm talk (I did 95 percent of the talking...he just listened) but I will just say here what everything really boiled down to...my main issue being that I felt like I took second place on Sunday (as I have on previous occasions) and my feelings were hurt. I was hoping for an appology or that a light would go off in his head, a kind of understanding. Well, it was more or less like talking to a very quiet wall.

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I dated a recovering alcoholic off and on for awhile. My Dad was also a functioning alcoholic. Anyway, there is a really good message board here on Ivillage. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhalcohol
Al-Anon is another really good suggestion that has already been made. One more good site I found is www.soberrecovery.com. There is a forum for friends and families of alcoholics. Very informative and lots of information. I think it is a good thing he has recognized he has a problem and hopefully will follow through with dealing with it.
Stephanie
I totally agree- my ex asked for my help over and over, said he really wanted to quit... and I believed it for 5 years.
There is AA for those who are addicted and there is Al-Anon for those who are in relationship with those who are addicted.
Good luck.
Mark
There are a lot of good things here - you love him, he loves you, this is the ONLY major issue (eg: he is good to you, he has a good job, etc) giving your relationship trouble (albeit its a huge issue), & he admitted his problem.
BUT, not that you are, dont count your chickens.
Actually, you know what? Here is the link to that great board
Hi Rebecca, I wanted to thank you for your resources and for sharing some of your story. Tis is beginning to sound all too familiar and quite frankly I am sad, because I know now what his addiction has been doing to him, and all the while, one whole year living in blinded bliss with him, not (consciously) knowing that his drinking would become the issue it has. I guess that I was willing to be blind about how he loved his beer until it directly effected me, being discounted, and seeing the light..finally. He is a wonderful man but his dependance on alcohol finally came to the point of overshadowing me and our relationship, and that is how this has surfaced. Now I can't pretend it will all be OK. I can't say, hey, it was a mistake.
I saw him again last night and it was sort of like we took one step backward and then one step forward again. We were able to steal away a few late afternoon hours and spent "quality time" if you know what I mean and the we talked. I was genuinely surprised to find that HE was still disturbed by MY confrontation to him a few nights ago...even though I was incredibly patient, gentle and I had taken all the accusatory tones out of the conversation. I had been very loving and calm. So last night we talked again about expectations and how he actually felt that when I express what I need or can't tolerate he feels controlled or threatened or sees me as impatient. We finally ironed things out AGAIN and he apologized again.
Pacific,
He dangled the carrot of stopping drinking.
Hey LoonyB.. I wanted to thank you for your kind post. I have written down your suggestions for reading especially about codependancy. I've got a long history of codependancy dealing with my mom (emotionally controlling and neglectful)
I think we all have scenes from our childhood that color the 'way' and the 'why' we do things - some big, some small.
Yes - this was HUGE for me. I realize now that my mom was not all that keen on thoughts and actions that were not in agreement for her. And as a result I think I learned to be a pleaser and did not have a lot of self confidence. I think I was always seeking validation. But once I realized that WHO I AM is great and it doesn't matter what she or anyone else thinks I did a whole lot better with dating and relationships. The inner b was released and I learned to put myself first instead of trying to please and catch someone. What matters now is what is in it for me. And I am not about to sacrifice my good life for something that is less worthy.
Pacific - think about this - what is in this for you? Can the bait you have catch a better one without all the drama and agony? IN my case I would have to be honest with myself and say YES - I CAN do better and am willing to wait.
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