Wednesday Woes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wednesday Woes
14
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:05pm
Is something bringing you down, making you mad or just plain sad?

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:24pm

Hi


I have to say, I really have nothing to complain about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:49pm
I don't post tons around here - am a lurker - but after reading your post - I definitely needed to vent some of my frustrations. Next Tuesday I'm in court to face my ex. Here's the story - oh wait - up front info - we were married for nearly 10 years - I divorced him due to his alcoholism and lack of desire to change not to mention the verbal/emotional abuse I was being handed. Okay that being said let's fast forward. We've been divorced for 5 years now. The first year he was okay to deal with, cordial, but not mean. For some reason after year one his attitude changed 100% and for the worse. Our schedule has always been his visitation is every other weekend from Friday 7:00 p.m. to Sunday 7:00 p.m. - he picks up and returns them. Let me point out that he has never lived more than 1/2 hour away - at one time it was 86 seconds away!!!! He is a very mean ugly man now. He speaks horribly about me to our children (ages now 12 and 10). He moved in with a girlfriend last year who has a 25 year old son still living at home and a set of fraternal 12 year old twins. My kids get no bed. The house is under 1,000 sq. ft and she has 4 cats and 1 dog. One of the cats apparently pees all over the place, on the couch, on my son's overnight bag, and beds. They do nothing about this. My children sleep on either a couch, a chair or sometimes the floor. They have no bedroom, privacy, none of their own items there at all. Not to mention I hate that he is living with this woman (who is still married but won't get divorced because they think it's too expensive). Anyway, after Christmas this year my ex decided on his own without talking to me that he was no longer bringing them home, that it should be my responsibility. Not that I don't have enough responsibility already, I'm the one who does 100% for the kids, sick days, doctor appts., after school activities, birthday parties, lessons, etc. I decided enough is enough and he's not the one who is to be making a decision in the change of routine without discussing it with me. I contacted my attorney, we prepared an Order for him to sign agreeing to go back to the routine of driving them back home and putting Mother's Day in the agreement to. I've never been allowed to have my kids on Mother's Day as it has always falled on his weekend and he says I get them enough. He had 10 days to sign the Order, he didn't so off to Court we go. In the paperwork my attorney sent to the Court it states that he should lose temporary visitation until he corrects the bed situation. When my ex spoke to my children about this the only thing he said was "Your piece of sh*t mother is taking me to court again and I don't get to see you guys anymore." End of conversation. No explanation about the reasons why - nothing. Yes I'm thrilled to death to be getting my kids out of that situation as he is not a good influence on them at all - in fact they told me that they were kind of relieved it was going to happen too because they don't really like going to see him now that he's living with this woman and her kids. Her 25 year old works at night so on Saturday during the day the kids don't even get to play on the trampoline because it squeaks and "might wake up Nick" who apparently has one heck of a temper. This whole situation just makes me cringe because it's nothing that I've ever been raised in or believe it. I have to admit though - and this will sound selfish of me - but I'm bummed in a way this is happening because now I have lost all free weekends to be just one on one with my fiance. We plan to be married in February but that obviously is still a little bit off. We have now lost our 4 days a month of private time with each other not to mention we won't be able to be intimate anymore. I do not believe in us spending the night with one another when kids are in the picture until we are married. THANK GOODNESS he fully supports me on this 100% but still obviously this is going to put a HUGE damper on our relationship. I'm just so upset that all of this is happening and that I have to deal with a psycho man to top it all off. He has one of the meanest tempers I've ever seen (and no he was not like this AT ALL while we were married). Needless to say he puts all blame on me 100% for everything that has happened to him. His jealous beyond belief that I've been able to keep the house for the kids not to mention what an awesome fiance I have and whom the kids just absolutely positively adore. My DD accidentally called my ex Bill and he nearly had a hissy fit. He started punching the dashboard of the car screaming over and over that she had better never ever call him that again.

Now I'm faced with deciding when we enter the courtroom next Tuesday about having visitation changed a bit more and making it just Saturday morning through Sunday night and instead of every other weekend, I wonder about just once a month.

I'm not sure where my post is really going - but geez - has anyone out there ever dealt with a psycho? My kids really aren't upset over the fact they won't really see him much now. He never calls them anymore. Doesn't ask about anything going on in their lives but complains that he never gets to see them. Hello all he has to do is call and ask about the schedule. He refuses to speak to me about anything concerning the kids and always communicates through my daughter making her grow up much faster than a 12 year old should have to.

Any suggestions, comments thoughts? I'm starting to get scared about next Tuesday and what his reaction will be when the Judge rules on this. Also I wonder about follow up - how do they know if he has corrected the bed situation - will they send someone on their own to follow up or do they just accept a call from him stating that it's all fixed when perhaps it hasn't?

Thanks for any insight you can provide!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:38pm
Well we just had a wicked Wednesday. I got the dreaded call from summer camp - your son has a bad gash and needs stitches.

I rushed him to urgent care - and when I saw it I almost died. It was the worst thing I have ever seen. I almost collapsed when I had to park the car.

I was frustrated because I knew he needed me to be with him in the exam room but I felt so faint and I didn't want to upset him. Fortunately the nurse and doctor recognized how pale I was and they said mom has to go outside!! My secretary came to give me an orange and talk to me so then I felt better.

He was like a hero - very brave - told them all about ME and then came bandaged. I can't believe how well he handled that!! He is so much more brave than me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:25pm

Hi Tracy and welcome to this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:43pm

West, I'm so sorry!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 4:21pm
Tracy,


I understand where you're coming from. I too left my son's dad after 5 years because of his alcoholism and unwillingness to change.

What concerns me about your situation is A) your children require their own space when staying for an overnight visit. Your daughter is almost a teenager and needs to have PRIVACY!!! She will also be going through hormonal changes soon, and should have a space to retreat to. B) your ex using your daughter as a way of communicating. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! That is IRRESPONSIBLE on his part and your daughter is NOT a pawn. He has NO RIGHT to treat her that way. If he wants to see them, he needs to arrange things with you. If he wants to discuss something, he discusses it with you. You need to tell your daughter that she needs to tell her dad "no, dad, I will not be your messenger, sorry, but this situation is upsetting, and I no longer want to do it." C) his bad mouthing you. That needs to be addressed IN COURT! Tell that to your lawyer, you want that brought up to the judge. He has no right to talk like that. D) your kids don't want to go over. That should be discussed. They have a right to have a say in this too! Perhaps they would just be happy seeing their dad for the whole day, and not overnight? It's not right to throw them into an uncomfortable situation. I know that he has a right to see his kids, but perhaps the parameters need to be changed.

I'm glad you do have someone on your side in your fiancee. It's great that your kids like him, he's a POSITIVE male role model in thier lives, and that's important. Push for a follow up with your lawyer. Talk to your kids and let them know that they need to speak up to thier father about the situation. They are getting older and their opinions matter. Just make sure they understand that the message needs to be "I think..." rather than "mom says...." You know?

Good luck to you.

Alison

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:07pm
Oh BIG hugs to you! The worst part has to be the phone call and the panic attack all the way to the hospital. I've been there. How's he doing now? What a brave guy you have! Tyler can handle very little. And blood??? HOLY CRAP! He just loses his mind. LOL
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 6:13pm
Thanks, Becky and Maggie,

He is fine now - came home the hero. He actually handled it better than I did!! I have 2 shifts of babysitters to keep him happy and entertained. And he will go on Friday for camper of the week award.

I am so lucky that I did not look at it until we got to the urgent care center - if I would have seen it at the camp I would have flipped and not been able to drive. I didn't want to look at it there because I didn't see that much blood and I didn't want him to see it and get upset!! Little did I know!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:14am
I so appreciate the responses I received. Thank you both very much. Court next Tuesday is going to be very interesting. I hope in a way that he doesn't show up as that will just automatically put him in default. The kids really do not want to go over there much anymore. They feel bad because they love their Father but they don't like him. He moans and groans that he never gets to see them yet he never calls them. He never interacts with them much when they are over at his place. I have a call into my attorney right now to discuss what all we can change. The thing I hate though is how much we all fear him because of his anger. I will most likely have someone come to court with me just because I'm afraid of what his reaction will be like once we leave the courtroom. Last time we were in court, a security guard had to step between him and escort him out the building before they let me leave. This issue that we are going to court over is 10 times worse because this time he won't get to see the kids for a while. Doesn't it seem to make sense that in terms of providing sleeping arrangements for the kids, that the court would send someone to check on the condition before accepting his word on whether or not he has made changes? I certainly hope so.

The battle of him communicating through our daughter has been ongoing. Problem is - what is one supposed to do when their child is afraid of their father and his temper and doesn't want to stir things up. She is scared to death to stand up to him so it's much easier for her to just be the communicator.

Hopefully once I speak with my attorney today I will get a few more answers regarding this whole ugly picture. It's so funny - never in a million years did I ever picture that this is how our situation would be. I sure wish I had a crystal ball a long time ago. It just pains me that my children have to go through this.

Thanks again for the words of encouragement - they are very much appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:44am
You poor thing - you do have your hands full with your ex.

I did think of something that might help. I realize he is being a total jerk and hard to deal with. But maybe instead of just making accusations that are going to make him more defensive and more of a jer, you want to make a suggestion of how to fix it - something to the effect of "now that our daughters are older and need privacy, maybe it is better if you see them every Saturday instead of every other weekend until your situation changes."

He could pick them up Saturday morning and drop them off Saturday night. He would get quality time every week. They wouldn't have to spend the night in that god-forsaken place. They would get to see their dad on a regular basis and you would get a day with your fiance.

Maybe you could throw in dinner during the week as well.

Lots of quality time - but no sleep overs.

I would want to leave Mother's day out of it - see if he would go for the Saturday thing since that is most important now. Besides, Mother's day is Sunday!!

At any rate, I send you the biggest hug and wishes to be strong.

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