The weekend, a bit unsettling

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
The weekend, a bit unsettling
33
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:01pm

Hello everyone,


First of all, I wanted to say I am so happy

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:13pm

Ugh. I can so understand your distress. That is so disappointing for you after the leadup to this weekend and after you made such a nice journal and for what it could have been if he was not up late one night drinking and then drinking all day the next day. Because I dated a fireman who was identical to this. He spent our first romantic weekend drinking late one night and then all day with his beer buddies when we could have been doing something else and I was bored because I don't drink nearly that much and he was clearly not into me.

And so I had a long talk with myself about what I really want and then I made the decision to let him go - this was right before you came to our board. My decision was NOT to be 2nd in command to beer/alcohol (I have also had to make this decision with 2 other relationships that I had when I was in my 20s). To me, this is a take it or leave it proposition. A 12 pack in one day is a LOT to me. And I don't like to be around people who drink all day. And I don't want to be with a man who would rather drink beer than make love to me. But that is just me. Ultimately you have to decide what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 6:00pm
Sorry your expectations were dashed. I feel your pain and agree with Judy, you have to decide what you want for he will not change. His comment that he feels you are controlling when you express how this behavior makes you feel is a huge red flag for me. But that may just be my X baggage jumping up and down. I will say that when I told M I was starting to feel taken for granted when he dropped our plans for his X dumping their kids on him he listened and has started to protect our time. If I hadn't said something after the 3rd or 4th time he would have assumed I was OK with it. If I were you I'd calmly tell him that when he drops plans, even loose plans, with you for D you can't help feeling 2nd best and taken for granted- NO ONE likes feeling that way. Tell him you'd appreciate if he protected your couple time. Try to not be accusing, blaming or upset. You give him the opportunity to acknowledge your feelings and make an adjustment. If he just blames you for how you feel and becomes overly defensive then you have your answer- this is who he is. It's up to you if it's a deal breaker.
QueenBun
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 6:07pm

Hi Pacific, I was looking forward to hear your romantic update.. Seems like it was not 100% great. But at least you had fun part of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 6:53pm

Oh no, Pac-Sun! I'm not sure what to say. I agree with the rest, that if he is truly picking a drinking buddy and a 12-pack over you, then that's not what you deserve!


But only you know if this is a problem or not. Was this a one- time incident, or does this seem to be something that happens often? And would it seem to be as big a deal if it weren't for the anniversary? I know that's one thing I always have to deal with- having expectations for events and then getting upset if they don't turn out the way I'd envisioned them to be. So are you upset because it was your anniversary celebration weekend, or would you feel bad about the events if it happened on any other weekend?


That would suck if you had to give him up because of the drinking aspect- because he seemed so right in so many ways! But if he IS wanting to drink that much, then it's a deal-breaker, IMO.


And what QB said about his response to you being upset- about you being "controlling" because you didn't like his choosing D or beer over time with you... that is also a red flag to me. What- so you are "controlling" if you have a mind of your own, but you're nice and flexible when you're going along with him??!? That one requires as much thought and monitoring as the drinking thing- because it could be a big deal-breaker, too.


Sorry, Pac-Sun!! ((((((((hugs))))))))))


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 8:37pm

Hi Pacific,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:02pm

Ok, I will give it to you straight.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 12:30am

I am so thankful for the responses, all of your honest opinions and thoughts. You truly are all the very best...and I am taking in everything. I needed your perspectives and things are beginning to solidify and sink into my brain finally. You know, when your "in love" you sometimes leave your logic behind, and it;s so easy to get tied up in the emotional side..to forget to look after ourselves in the process. All of your words are significant to me, and I am in the process of thinking all this out before talking to him. My motivation is not just to work this out for him and I, but to be sure that if I continue with him, it is in the best interest of DD. I am sorry to make this so long but I wanted to address everyone's advice. I love Blue eyes, and I hope we do in fact come to an understanding. We will see..


Judy- I remember recently you referred to Fireman to another poster and I know from how you described him that you have been there with one who drinks too much, and that you had to finally decide what was enough, how much you would tolerate. I admire you, not only for knowing what you will tolerate in your life but by following through and being true to yourself. There is one thing for sure, if talking with Blue eyes leads to no change, I will be keeping you and your inner strength in my mind as I say my peace and lay down my boundaries.


Queen B- The red flag you pointed out is something I HAVE to consider. I have felt silenced by his comments...that my expressing my discontent over his actions (on a couple different occasion..all around D and drinking and plans) makes him feel controlled. I'm beginning to feel that comment is made to make me feel wrong for having the feelings I have. I have to continue to remind myself that my feelings on this issue are valid. It's so hard because I am realizing I am battling my inner demon..the one who bends over too far to please a man, in fear he will leave if I don't. It's an inner issue and I am having to buck up and face it..I have got to be true to me. Protecting our couple time is what I wish he would do..I want him to make that a priority,

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:49am

I haven't read the other responses but what I see here are two totally different issues. The first and the one that I see is serious is that you think he drinks too much. If this is the case (my ex is an alcoholic), you need to discuss with him how you feel about it. I don't know if I think someone that occasionally (a few times a week) has a few more than you would is an alcoholic. But is that is too much for you than you need to express that to him. It is a very important thing for many. I do drink but not regularly and rarely do I have more than a couple. Someone that got drunk on a regular basis would be a problem for me.

The other issue is how he wanted to spend the weekend vs. what you expected. I have to say that expecting an entire weekend to yourself is a bit much in my opinion unless you are traveling and will be out of town. I would feel controlled by someone that wanted all my time for an entire weekend. Just because your daughter was gone does not mean that he shouldn't do anything but spend time with you. You did celebrate on Friday (I consider an entire evening together a celebration). If that was not how you wanted to spend the time with him, then you should have done something different. You also spent much of the day with him on Saturday and he wanted to socialize on Saturday night.

I think there can be too much "just the two of us" time. I have girlfriends who totally stop the entire world every time they meet a man. They don't have any time to do things with the girls any more. Whenever you call them to do something they are busy with the new guy. Too much for me.

I have to say that you all do need to communicate better. If you invite someone along for brunch and it turns into a longer time, then it does. If you are not going to want that and know it ahead of time, let him know before you meet up with them. (ie "Hey I think it is great John and Jane are joining us for brunch. Afterwards I would like to go for a walk with you alone and have some time with just the two of us".) That may be met with more enthusiasm than being irritated because he didn't make the choice you wanted after the decision has been made.

HTH
Priscilla

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:35am

You are such a smart and amazing woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:09am
You have so many great responses here and I love this note to each of us - what a good idea!! Good luck with your decision and keep us posted - we are all here no matter what and pray you put YOU and your needs first! :-)

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