The weekend, a bit unsettling

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
The weekend, a bit unsettling
33
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:01pm

Hello everyone,


First of all, I wanted to say I am so happy

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:37pm

Hey Mark,


Yes, you are right that Blue Eyes does value me and I am certain of his love. But something is in the way of his seeing how things like what happened Sunday with D hurt me...and that something is either alcohol dependance or a resistance to see how important our time is to me. Either way, I have to go forward to try to communicate my needs here, in a way that is not accusitory.


I like the idea of making plans in advance about our time. But I don't want to have to do that everytime we are to encounter D. I hope that I bring it up and we can come to an agreement for all future encounters with D (or any one of his friends who drink like that) when it is our time together.


It does make sense to express to him the underlying needs behind the feelings, yes like my need to have exclusive time together more often than socializing with D.


The thing is, that when Blue Eyes drinks, especially when he drinks with D or other friends, he loses the connection with me. He drifts into their world and I am left out of that world. I am invited in, but I don't ever want to drink in order to be in that world. I want to be in this world, experiencing the beauty of our lives together..sober.


Thanks for these thoughts. As usual, you have given the perspective that comes from connection and understanding, and I need to remember to relate that way.


~Pacific~

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 5:41pm

And that's the thing, Rebecca. I need to know of this issue is the alcohol talking or of it's fundamentally him....neither one would be good. But if I can get to the root of it, I can take direction.


It's incredible to have you all here

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:18pm

Zen, Zen, Zen,
"I'm sure he isn't always pounding a dozen. None of us can do that consistently."

They can and they do. My X knocked back a couple martinis and a bottle of wine pretty much EVERY day the last couple years of our marriage. No one outside the family suspected for we were the only ones who had to deal with the monster he became after drink #2. But I also know that even after quitting it takes a great deal of work on the part of the person who has the drinking problem to overcome the personality problems that seem to go hand in hand with alcoholism. My brother has been sober and in AA for 8 years. He will fully admit he has selfish tendencies. Anyone with substance abuse issues is using that substance to self medicate and avoid facing problems. They don't learn other coping mechanisms so when the substance is gone they are back at square one. And believe it or not, my X functions pretty well at work, he's a physician- scary ain't it?

QueenBun, sister of, daughter of, and granddaughter of alcoholics- thank the Lord my kids refuse to touch the stuff

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:20pm

I wish you the very best of luck. You will make the right decision b/c your eyes, AND your heart, are open.


& yes, we are so lucky to have this iV outlet. I swear, iV has saved my sanity. I began with a board when i was pregnant, & since, I have been supported thru pregnancy, birth, new motherhood, breastfeeding, then the issues with my H, everything from alcoholism, abuse, cheating (the possibility of), & divorce - then surviving the abuse. & then the death of my mom, child rearing issues, dating, & even health issues with my pets. iV has SUCH a great community, for every single possible issue one may have!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:24pm

Hi Pacific,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:25pm

I was waiting for you to respond to this thread. Thanks for the prompt for the fireman thread:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=10092.16&x=y

That has the story about your exh and what you went through. And I know I really appreciated your wisdom and support when I needed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 7:32pm

"None of us can do that consistently?" Well, yes, if you are not a big drinker. BUT if you are a drinker then it is different - at least from what I have observed.

Drinkers are VERY aware that they need to drink way MORE than the average person to get high/buzzed. They make specific choices to hang with people who do the same and to put themselves in circumstances where they can definitely have that much to drink. They make this a priority time and again. I believe it is a very conscious decision process. Whereas a person who does not drink a lot has a take it or leave it attitude regarding the booze.

I have seen someone drink a case and not act like he was drunk - because he has a huge tolerance built up for drinking. The average person cannot drink like that and function.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:04pm

Hi Dance,


And when your firiends called you say "we invited them.." Who invited exactly? Did he ask you before inviting them?

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:07pm

Drinkers are VERY aware that they need to drink way MORE than the average person to get high/buzzed. They make specific choices to hang with people who do the same and to put themselves in circumstances where they can definitely have that much to drink. They make this a priority time and again. I believe it is a very conscious decision process. Whereas a person who does not drink a lot has a take it or leave it attitude regarding the booze.


Again, you come through with the real life logic that I find very valuable. I feel like printing this out and taking it with me tonight

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:36pm

One point that bothers me here is that you're saying IF he admits to having a drinking problem.... well, honey- it IS a problem, whether he admits to it or not because YOU are having issues with it.


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