Well, I get to meet Dad BUT

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Well, I get to meet Dad BUT
24
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:58am
he is still confused. So he is willing to move forward even though he is still confused. No sure what that means. At the core of this I really feel is a trust issue. Not so much that he doesn't trust me but trust that this is the right direction for him. He basically begged me to give him more time although he felt bad because he couldn't say for sure what would happen and he knows that Alyse is getting more and more attached. I told him that I felt he had kept a certain distance there. He seems to be trying to take these little steps toward trusting in a future with me. i suppose you are right about patience and steps. My BF told me to go to the race and see if meeting his father changed anything. I don't think that anything with Jack will be overnight. I just have to focus on the small efforts and the fact that we have been and are moving forward (at a snails pace but oh well - more time to enjoy the view right?)

Ok so I am being positive here. Yes, it hurts my feelings that he is still confused about his feelings for me but what can I do. I don't think dumping him will help anything. I am stuck. LOL.

So on the 21st I am going to go to the Busch Race at MIS and take pictures of the semi truck I designed and meet his Dad. Wish me luck - knowing me I will have a monster zit or a cold sore and be bloated from PMS and then start my periods at the race LOL! Not to mention do and say something totally inappropriate without meaning too. UGH - I hate pressure!!!!!!

Laura

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:46pm
There is nothing wrong with your age or his. I was just curious and that was before I really started to think about the roller coaster dilemma.

You don't sound like a flake at all. Many of the posts on this board, including yours, could have been my own. I am always amazed at what everyone types here. They either teach me something really good or they write the same story I have experienced.

I think you should be careful that you are not painting a big illusion with him because that is what will break your heart the most. It is easy for all of us to analyze every detail of what is said or done with a guy and use it to create the story we want to have.

Love that endures comes from 2 people who each get as much as they give. I think most women need to learn to give less and get more. We tend to do too much and this creates big expectations. It also doesn't really give a guy a chance to step into the relationship and fill his own space.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:48pm
I agree with most you said about what to do - although Jack is a little different than that and I don't think he has commitment issues at all. I am not going to go into it because it takes so fricken long but in general (not completely) he is pretty unique - he isn't like most men I have known as far as issues are concerned.

I know that he has to miss me to really understand what life is like without me. I feel he will come around. I feel I understand why things are the way they are enough to not hold this whole mess against him. But he might not. Sometimes starting over is the easiest thing anyways. Even on my end.

Honestly, I miss him and I always will but life goes on and I am so tired of worrying about something so dumb that I will deal with the loss and focus on other things that I have some kind of control over. If he comes back well then I guess he'll stay then. I just thought of something - it is kind of exciting. What is going to happen??? If I don't end up with Jack the next guy should be better right? Or will I finally have someone I can trust to be my partner. Or will I be single but successful??? Will I die in the gutter? (just kidding) But seriously I am trying to look at it like that. I don't consider myself a victim or anything. I decide what is and isn't OK. I told Jack this and I know it is true. I told him on Saturday that no matter what happened everything would be OK because I am OK. He said he wasn't sure and I told him that was his problem. LOL It isn't his job to make my life OK. So it's OK :) (make sense? I am really tired today)

Laura

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:56pm
True. Truth is a funny thing - I learned that in my last marriage - how someone can tell the truth but manipulate it to always make things come out in their favor. VERY interesting.

It all comes down to what he wants now. I know what I want. I told him. Now lwts see if he is on the same page. I am hoping that he has just being trying to get to the same page. I think that might be true. We'll see if he gets there or not. That is about it.

Whenever you love someone and they leave it hurts. Not mush you can do about that but shut down and withdraw and I haven't done that yet and don't intend to. One thing I know is what he decides has little or nothing to do with me and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been myself and been honest. I have no regrets here. Just sadness that it is over. Life has a way of working things out somehow.

Laura

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:05pm
By "outgrowing," I meant mentally. It seems to me that everyone in our lives has a purpose. And I felt like he filled his purpose and had nothing else to give to me.

Our relationship started from match.com. We went slow in the beginning to get to know each other and he was hilarious!! When he first met me, he was so scared I wouldn't like him that he asked if I still wanted coffee. We managed the first date just fine and he asked for another date to his favorite restaurant for dinner. I told him I wanted to go but had to check with my babysitter (sometimes I think the babysitter is worse than your mother for asking for permission!! LOL).

He got so nervous he emailed right away when he got home and said that I could bring my son if I pleased!! Like that would be great - we would get about 20 minutes to eat before my son would get very bored of sitting there and cause a ruckus. I emailed back that my babysitter said yes so it was okay.

Anyway, dinner was nice - he brought flowers and was very nervous. But very funny. He always reminded me of Jack Nicholson. He was polite - opened doors. Was not a player.

He had gotten married very young and I don't think he ever really loved his wife. They did not have a lot in common. Although I must say I thought she was a better person than I will ever be by his story. She had a masters in music and raised their 2 daughters very well, mostly by herself since he is a workaholic and fishaholic (loves to go fishing). She was very frugal with money. Everything he didn't like about her I always thought - he could not really get better than her - if he was not happy with her he would not be happy with me. She was the one who filed for divorce because he accepted a job here and she did not want to move. That was a shock to him and hard for him. But a whole 'nother story...

We were supposed to go on a Saturday night date when he called at the last minute and said he couldn't go. It turns out he had cold feet. I should have let it go at that but persisted. I told him I was not looking to get married - only to have a monogamous relationship and see where that goes. So we did go out.

We had a lot of fun. But like I said, whenever we would get really close it would totally scare him and he would stop calling. I felt like he would only call when he wanted sex sometimes. He had issues because his kids and ex lived 5 hours from here and he felt that if he fell in love with me he would be abandoning them. I cannot move from here due to my divorce decree.

Finally he got a new house that was closer to his kids but about 1.5 hours from here. I just didn't feel like it was worth it to put those miles on my car. We had been apart for about 6 months when he started emailing, sending cards and calling. I just felt that he would never be stable or settled. His dad was an alcoholic and was never home - maybe that has something to do with it. And he is always traveling for work or to go see his girls. He is very reactive and too much a drama king. Not stable. And he was 42 so if he is not stable/settled by now he never will be!!

I have posted that I want someone HERE now, ready now - it has to be easy. That is the lesson he taught me. He did teach me a lot of other things - like how it feels to be with a guy who is not a player. And how it feels to be with a guy who totally sees all of your best traits.

But I must admit - it was hard to let it go - but now I am glad that I let it go.

I think you really have to give your guy time apart - I call it the medicine of NOTHING. NO car show, no calls, nothing. Just tell him you need your space right now to get through this. See what happens.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 9:24pm
It is all so funny - we all have similar stories but there are so many variables that make them all completely unpredictable. I think at teh end of the day it comes down to love. Do you really love that person and do they really love you. If you both do then everything will work out and if you both don't then it won't. And it is all for some reason.

I have outgrown boyfriends - but not people I really loved. I always really love them. I can understand why the relationship didn't work - but I don't think I outgrow the ones I really loved. I really love this one.

Laura

PS - Men with alcoholic fathers that use that to get victim status (BOOO HISS)

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 6:22am
He never really used the alcoholic thing as an excuse - he had brought it up to say how he and his brother helped his mom now - his dad died and had let his life insurance lapse so he left his mom with nothing. I did like that he and his brother helped his mom.

At any rate, the time apart taught me that while I did like his chemistry and good times, I did not like the pain he caused. When I got used to not being with him I did not want him back.

That was my point to you - that you have to have time apart now. You have to let Jack figure out if he misses you. He is not going to do that if he is still seeing you and talking to you. You also have to figure out if he really enhances your life - and you won't do this if you are wrapped up in his affection.

I think you are a lot like me. You are very creative and artistic and you see life as a beautiful thing. You recognize the good in people and appreciate them for their full potential. But this creative mind is also dangerous in relationships because it paints you an illusion. You have to see him for what he is now, not for what you think he could be. I know I do this all the time.

Time apart will make you stronger - it will make you miss him. The more I ignored Patrick the more he came back stronger each time. I was not doing that to get that - I was ignoring him because I had shut down from all the pain he caused me. I am telling you that to reassure you.

But in the end you have to make your own decision. I respect that and am only trying to help you. So I will support you with whatever you do - we will all do that here.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:46am
You are right about how I am. I think the good thing here is I feel that this time I haven't painted a picture. I have accepted his doubt. I have been understanding. But I know that is part of where he is right now and that isn't what I want. Without that doubt I do want to be with him because even if it has caused turmoil I don't believe that he has really HURT me. I feel that he has enhanced my life and supports and encourages me and I know that he believes in me and my goals are important to him. Without the doubt, I want him as he is. It hasn't been that same balancing act. I don't think "oh but there were so many good times" I feel that all this time with him has been good. Even the harder times. He has been open and honest with me as much as possible and I respect him for it. I think that is the only thing that makes me say there is still a chance and if that chance happens, it will be good and it will be something I can really depend on :) I know that if it doesn't I can still depend on our friendship. I think that says a lot too.

Laura

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Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 12:58pm
I know you weren't responding to a post of mine, but I was reading your responses to Laura. I just have to tell you that you sound like such a strong person. Your story sounds a lot like mine. Your story encouraged me. I hope I can get over my break up as well as you got over yours. I liked the part where you said he taught you what was like to be with someone who treated you well and who was not a player and someone who sees your best traits. I also liked when you said you want to be with someone who is here and is ready now. That's exactly how I feel. I've dated enough frogs. It's time to find my prince. I agree that it's very hard to let go. I know things work out for a reason, but it's hard for me to get over the disappointment that I feel. I really thought this time that I found a person that I could have a future with. He treated me great. We had chemistry. We had a great time when we were together. He always made me laugh. We could talk about anything. Unfortunately, he never got over his ex-fiance. It's only been a week, so I'm still grieving this loss. Right now in my mind I'm convinced there won't be anybody out there like Mark. How long did you date this guy and how long did it take you to get over it? You said that you were glad you let it go. Were you glad because you weren't in pain any more or did you find someone better? How did you know that you did the right thing? I'm just curious because I'm usually not the one to break up relationships; I've always been dumped. And I have to admit that I have thought it over in my head about calling Mark and trying to work things out. But the other part of me doesn't want to do that. I flop back and forth right now. I'm a real analytical person and I like to have reasons and answers for everything. So the fact that I don't really know what happened or what he feels bothers me. Part of me really doesn't want to know. So every time I want to pick up the phone, I talk myself out of it. I was just wondering how things worked out for you. You seem to have such a good attitude about it all. I really admire that. Hopefully, someday, I can get to that place too. Thanks.

Donna

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:50pm
Oh Donna,

You are so sweet. It was a while ago that I dated Patrick but if you saw me during the process you would have thought I was a basket case. My friends cringe when I say his name because of all the drama he created here.

I met him in February 2001 and we finally broke up in September so it wasn't that long. But it was intense. I didn't write about his job offer in Atlanta - he got a job offer there and I went through hell worrying that I would lose him. He didn't go but he broke up with me right after that drama. And then 2 weeks later he sent me an email saying how much he missed me. I still wanted him back so I took him back. BUT I demanded that we would go slower. We did go slower but then I started losing interest when he talked about his wife like that.

I felt more in control the second time because I felt more hesitant. So when he pulled his last stunt of "I am not sure about this relationship thing" then I knew that was it. I didn't want to put up with his pulling back and I didn't like the history with his ex-wife and how he treated her. I also felt really settled here in my city - I have a small business out of my house and some employees I love dearly. I have a lot of friends and babysitters to die for. I would not give all this up and move to be near him on a whim.

I cannot tell a lie - the thing that got me over him was a REBOUND. I think I have played the rebound game from bad boyfriends my whole life!! I met a fabulous guy on Match.com whose name was Rick. He lived in the Bahamas and would fly over 2-3 times a week to take me on dates. He sent flowers and took me to NEWFOUNDLAND to his house on 4 acres on the ocean. So you can see it was quite easy to get over Patrick!!! But alas Rick had issues that concerned me. First of all he had a nasty divorce that took 3 years and his ex and kids lived in California (to me that is a messy life). Second he lived in the Bahamas and although he said he could live anywhere I did not get a good feeling for someone who makes that kind of money working for a corporation - I have to stay here (The Patrick/Atlanta thing also taught me that). Third, he was impotent from prostate cancer and HE had issues with that.

After 2 months of dating and getting close (the three issues did not really hit me until it was over) he decided to go back with his ex fiance who had broken up with him 9 months before we dated but now wanted him back because she heard he was in NF with another woman. I got this in an email after a really hard business trip and I read it at midnight. That really hit me hard and I cried for days - I think more from the insult of it than from the loss of him - although not having all of that attention was a loss.

At any rate, after that I said I was going to "marry the half ironman" - that is - I was going to forget about boyfriends and train for a really long race and forget about men. But around Xmas time my friends set me up with this personal trainer. He had a lot of time on his hands since it was the holidays and we dated. But then he decided he didn't want to date anyone because he started getting busy again and it would get in the way of him launching his business. He is older, has never been married and has a narcistic personality. But he broke up with me on my birthday and that was not nice. I always had reservations about him and his childhood but my friends said you can't be that picky - he is such a nice guy, blah blah blah.

So, 1-1/2 years later, here I am. I have not had a date in 1-1/2 years!! And in this time I have really worked on being alone. I think it is the first time in my life since I started dating in my teen years that I have been alone this long. I am now 42. I have remodeled the house and cleaned every closet, every room; trained for and competed in a major triathlon in Sweden, spent time with my son and read a lot of books. I have a lot of friends and a great life. I have many more freedoms than my married friends and I am being picky picky now.

BUT there is one guy I like. I never planned this one you see. In all this training for triathlons, you need a coach and I am with my coach 5 days a week. He has helped me so much and we have been so surprised at my progress. My coach is 31 and we have gotten really close and I really like him. But he is shy - and I am his client. I can tell he really likes me and he likes my son a lot. So I am playing the wait and see game.

I decided to stop the online dating thing after Rick because I met so so many toads. I wanted to meet someone naturally. And to find myself again. And to just chill from all the headaches.

Now I have a few friends and we go out on Saturday. I am tired of reading a book on Saturday nights - and one of my friends is dating my coach's brother - so we all went out last week. I will keep you posted.

Am I ready for chaos? Questions? Worry? YOU BETCHA - we all fall off the horse from time to time but we have to believe in love and get back on. You never know when love will strike.

I think the important thing is that we have to respect ourselves at the end of the day. And we have to be determined not to settle. Not ever settle. Ever. And like Maggie once said we have to hold back our hearts in the beginning. They are never Mr. Right until they are really Mr. Right.

I am not sure what to say to you other than you have to give it time. I think you have to live your life now as though you will be without him. You have to somehow be grateful for what he gave you and wait and see why it is best that you are not with him now. The answer to that will appear at one time or another. It is damn hard. But it will make you very strong. And each day gets easier.

I can offer you one glimmer of hope. Rick called last week and started asking me a lot of questions - I can tell that if I would have encouraged him he would have asked me out again (BUT I do not want him anymore because I really like my coach). So there is hope for you that your BF might not work out with the ex fiance. There is also hope you will meet someone else better and this will be a blessing in disguise. Have faith and keep your chin up. Stay busy as you can!!

Time heals all wounds. It also brings us so many new days.


Edited 8/10/2004 8:55 pm ET ET by west1745

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 10:38am

What a great story!


Your rebound guy sounded like a riot! What a way to get over a man! LOL


You sound so clear headed and healthy. It's inspiring!!

Becky

Becky