Trav has been married before and was very committed. When his wife died he sat alone on a beach for 8 months...till someone close to him kicked his butt and told him SHE would want him to get back into life. I honestly think if there's avoidance in the situation, it might be because of his loss before, not his job...
I admire what he does and I'm damned glad there are people doing it. I'm not a pacifist and I believe there will always be a need for a military presence. If he was gone selling brushes, I'd write him off. But what he does is a big part of who he is and WHY I didn't write him off long ago.
And, when we first got together...I did have contact. A phone number, we talked more than once a week, some weeks every night. I could call him and would get a call back no more than 24 hours later. I don't feel we ever got a real chance to let things grow though, because the conflict got much more serious at that time, his posting changed, and he was out of communication a lot more.
Trav is one of the few men I've met who I actually respect. You can't be a dim bulb and keep me interested. When we are together, I'm the only thing he sees. I liked that very much. But I need more and I do think he could give me what I need. I don't know that he's ready for that. So all I'm trying to do is state my case and let him see where I stand. The rest is up to him.
We will stay friends, stay honest with each other and keep in touch, regardless. A few years down the road, if he makes a career change and I'm not with anyone, who knows?
I am doing fine without him, I have a great life. If it's not him, I'll find someone to share my life with. I'm not going to die if he says "I'm just not willing to do that"... I'm not agonizing over it.
I shared it here because that's what we do. Just an update on "mi vida loca" :)
I totally agree to what you are saying, but obviously I still didn't make myself clear on one point.
You stated: But to condemn an entire warfare community to a life of solitude based on their choice of career is probably a bit, well, broad.
I never condemned a warfare community. I'm an army brat, I lived in your son's shoes. I grew up with my father hardly around. I didn't love him less, he didn't love me less. This was NOT what I was talking about. But Special Forces members like the Navy Seals have it a bit harder then others. My daughters father loves and adores his daughter more then anything else in this world, but like most of his friends, he doesn't get involved in a relationship with a woman because usually they have no understanding for his job and he has barely time to give them. He can't be reached, he often can't say where he is going, he couldn't call me when he said he would. It just was and isn't possible. You have to learn to accept that in a elite part of the military like the Seals. This is what most women see as a red flag, but it's just his life. My daughters fathers is gone 10-11 months out of the year doing some warfare training or deployed. In the nature of his job and my friend, who has been deployed 7 of the 9 yrs in the Military, they just don't see where a woman can fit into their lives, by that I mean usually a girlfriend or their marriage eventually breaks from either his or her end. In Candi's case, it didn't, but that is rare. I mean look how many soldiers are being served divorce papers when they return out of deployment. Have you noticed, because I have.
NOT all warfare community, a small percentage, the Special Forces teams, that was my point, have a training and schedule that is a bit different from the normal military. Of course everyone is getting deployed left, right and center now, but still, I hope you finally get what I mean. Just like other people might have in their Companies. I can go home after 9 hrs, but my boss is up most of the day and night jetting all over the world, on the phone, meetings, etc. I wouldn't want a man like that. I would want one that is home more often.
LIke I said, we both agreed, but I just wanted to clarify the statement, because having been a military brat, loving it and having a great respect for it, having dated quite a few men in the military, I would never want to condemn it as being cold hearted or otherwise.
Anyway, hope that's clear now. Take care and big hugs.
I would like to say that I learned a lot from your posts about the special ops. And I totally AGREE on your points about accepting that these men do not have what it takes for a good relationship.
One of my favorite books on relationships, by Willard Harvey, about falling in love and staying in love, states that you need at least 15 hours of quality time together each week to grow and sustain a loving relationship. He also states that his kids' college funds were paid for by counseling military familes and families of airline pilots.
Personally I know that I have to have someone who wants to make the time and spend the time on a good relationship.
Catherine, your post shows that you understand you cannot change someone - you can only accept them for what they are and what they want to be. And you accept that although he loves you you cannot have a fulfilled relationship with him. I am sure this was a very hard lesson for you. And you are kind to share it with us.
"Those who can learn from the past are not destined to repeat it." (saying on an inscription in Dachau prison camp."
Hmmm, I believe that if you have a history with someone, love can survive periods of less time together.
And to say, across the board, that these men don't "have what it takes" is not looking at the whole picture. Then doctors (some of whom are psychiatrists, like Mr. Harvey) most often don't have what it takes, and many lawyers, high powered business men, CEO's...and brush salesmen, or people covering a sales territory. Or, researchers who travel with their career. And heck, lots of just plain, busy, married people.
I think our problem was we didn't have time to develop a history, a foundation...due to the heavy use of the military right now.
You are so right on! It will be three weeks tommorrow Friday since I heard from I assume (actually I know) my now ex-b/f. Last time I saw or heard from him he was on his way to work after dropping me off downtown. I had a doctor's appointment and he offered to pick me up. Really weird my feelings for him haven't changed but mine for myself have. It's about respect. I think he got cold prob FROZEN feet because after dating nine months I wanted to know where we stood. Was there any long-term potential, did we have a FUTURE together, was HE in it for the LONG HAUL. I wanted and needed a committment. I got an answer, maybe not the one I had hoped for but he said he was SORRY but NO After telling him I felt I was only a f*ck friend, or buddy etc. he said I had hurt, insulted him. I thought about it and then said I feel USED so I have decided I deserve more my self-respect you asked me to be your g/f in front of an ex who you denied was an ex funny I had already thought I was his g/f when obviously I wasn't. being exclusive with him meant I could have SEX with him ONLY HELLO DOUBLE-STANDARD but here I am sticking to my guns no contact been out but only interested in celebrating being single again being me I am okay! lonely maybe... but not DESPERATE Life does go on. kids, kitties, family, and friends, and my job lol co-workers (they have been especially awesome, supportive, a godsend) HIS LOSS MY GAIN (;)
It's not that they don'T want too, but just as hard as it is for them to find someone that accepts their lives as it is, with little time and always on the go, it's hard for women that eventually feel their needs aren't met, because they feel like they aren't really in a relationship or married when the mate is always gone.
Everyone keeps talking about how SEX is soooooo important. Like Candi does, remember the 5 most important things? Well, it's hard to have sex with someone that is never around. Where is the connection when you are married to someone that is consistently deployed or on a business trip? That takes a huge amount of commitment that people these days don't seem to want to deal with. Especially for people that need a physical connection. This also goes for business men, and I think you can totally agree with me on this WEST, coming out of the Hotel Industry as well, I don't EVEN want to start on how many cheat on their wives because they never see their wives except for on the weekends. And then even in that event, women often just don't want sex, because they no longer feel the connection they once do, which is important for a woman. And now in the consultant world, I see it ALL the time. They are never home, so they just eventually have their women wherever they can. The soldiers that are living here married and their wives are not allowed over here, to 90% of the time are always cheating on their wives, they just can't be caught. Alex's father most definitly cheated on me, I know that. I accepted it, because of his position. I just didn't want to know about it "don't ask, don't tell" and I didn't want to be married to it. After awhile I would of resented him and forgot about the SOUL commitment we have. I know he loved me, and I loved him and still do after 20yrs, but with a lifestyle of always being gone, it's sometimes important for even them to have some sort of affection, connection to a warm body. It gets very lonely for them as well.
Away from the Special Op's, this goes for Anyone: Anyone who doesn't spend enough quality time because they can't with their women, just have a even slimmer chance of keeping that tight connection, physically and after awhile mentally. Same goes for the women. It's hard to stay on the same level, everyone changes and then, it's harder to find the connection again, when you don't have time to maintain it.
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Exactly.
There was a break in communication for awhile and I know he was hurt. I've seen him sad, and tired, and discouraged. no automaton
You hit the nail on the head, Mandy.
Trav has been married before and was very committed. When his wife died he sat alone on a beach for 8 months...till someone close to him kicked his butt and told him SHE would want him to get back into life. I honestly think if there's avoidance in the situation, it might be because of his loss before, not his job...
I admire what he does and I'm damned glad there are people doing it. I'm not a pacifist and I believe there will always be a need for a military presence. If he was gone selling brushes, I'd write him off. But what he does is a big part of who he is and WHY I didn't write him off long ago.
And, when we first got together...I did have contact. A phone number, we talked more than once a week, some weeks every night. I could call him and would get a call back no more than 24 hours later. I don't feel we ever got a real chance to let things grow though, because the conflict got much more serious at that time, his posting changed, and he was out of communication a lot more.
Trav is one of the few men I've met who I actually respect. You can't be a dim bulb and keep me interested. When we are together, I'm the only thing he sees. I liked that very much. But I need more and I do think he could give me what I need. I don't know that he's ready for that. So all I'm trying to do is state my case and let him see where I stand. The rest is up to him.
We will stay friends, stay honest with each other and keep in touch, regardless. A few years down the road, if he makes a career change and I'm not with anyone, who knows?
I am doing fine without him, I have a great life. If it's not him, I'll find someone to share my life with. I'm not going to die if he says "I'm just not willing to do that"... I'm not agonizing over it.
I shared it here because that's what we do. Just an update on "mi vida loca" :)
I totally agree to what you are saying, but obviously I still didn't make myself clear on one point.
You stated:
But to condemn an entire warfare community to a life of solitude based on their choice of career is probably a bit, well, broad.
I never condemned a warfare community. I'm an army brat, I lived in your son's shoes. I grew up with my father hardly around. I didn't love him less, he didn't love me less. This was NOT what I was talking about. But Special Forces members like the Navy Seals have it a bit harder then others. My daughters father loves and adores his daughter more then anything else in this world, but like most of his friends, he doesn't get involved in a relationship with a woman because usually they have no understanding for his job and he has barely time to give them. He can't be reached, he often can't say where he is going, he couldn't call me when he said he would. It just was and isn't possible. You have to learn to accept that in a elite part of the military like the Seals. This is what most women see as a red flag, but it's just his life. My daughters fathers is gone 10-11 months out of the year doing some warfare training or deployed. In the nature of his job and my friend, who has been deployed 7 of the 9 yrs in the Military, they just don't see where a woman can fit into their lives, by that I mean usually a girlfriend or their marriage eventually breaks from either his or her end. In Candi's case, it didn't, but that is rare. I mean look how many soldiers are being served divorce papers when they return out of deployment. Have you noticed, because I have.
NOT all warfare community, a small percentage, the Special Forces teams, that was my point, have a training and schedule that is a bit different from the normal military. Of course everyone is getting deployed left, right and center now, but still, I hope you finally get what I mean. Just like other people might have in their Companies. I can go home after 9 hrs, but my boss is up most of the day and night jetting all over the world, on the phone, meetings, etc. I wouldn't want a man like that. I would want one that is home more often.
LIke I said, we both agreed, but I just wanted to clarify the statement, because having been a military brat, loving it and having a great respect for it, having dated quite a few men in the military, I would never want to condemn it as being cold hearted or otherwise.
Anyway, hope that's clear now. Take care and big hugs.
I would like to say that I learned a lot from your posts about the special ops. And I totally AGREE on your points about accepting that these men do not have what it takes for a good relationship.
One of my favorite books on relationships, by Willard Harvey, about falling in love and staying in love, states that you need at least 15 hours of quality time together each week to grow and sustain a loving relationship. He also states that his kids' college funds were paid for by counseling military familes and families of airline pilots.
Personally I know that I have to have someone who wants to make the time and spend the time on a good relationship.
Catherine, your post shows that you understand you cannot change someone - you can only accept them for what they are and what they want to be. And you accept that although he loves you you cannot have a fulfilled relationship with him. I am sure this was a very hard lesson for you. And you are kind to share it with us.
"Those who can learn from the past are not destined to repeat it." (saying on an inscription in Dachau prison camp."
Hmmm, I believe that if you have a history with someone, love can survive periods of less time together.
And to say, across the board, that these men don't "have what it takes" is not looking at the whole picture. Then doctors (some of whom are psychiatrists, like Mr. Harvey) most often don't have what it takes, and many lawyers, high powered business men, CEO's...and brush salesmen, or people covering a sales territory. Or, researchers who travel with their career. And heck, lots of just plain, busy, married people.
I think our problem was we didn't have time to develop a history, a foundation...due to the heavy use of the military right now.
It will be three weeks tommorrow Friday
since I heard from I assume
(actually I know) my now ex-b/f.
Last time I saw or heard from him
he was on his way to work after
dropping me off downtown. I had a doctor's
appointment and he offered to pick me up.
Really weird my feelings for him haven't changed
but mine for myself have.
It's about respect.
I think he got cold prob FROZEN feet
because after dating nine months I wanted
to know where we stood.
Was there any long-term potential, did we have
a FUTURE together, was HE in it for the LONG HAUL.
I wanted and needed a committment.
I got an answer,
maybe not the one
I had hoped for
but he said
he was SORRY
but NO
After telling him I felt
I was only a f*ck friend,
or buddy etc. he said
I had hurt, insulted him.
I thought about it
and then said I feel
USED
so I have decided
I deserve more
my self-respect
you asked me to be your g/f
in front of an ex
who you denied was an ex
funny
I had already thought
I was his g/f
when obviously
I wasn't.
being exclusive with him meant
I could
have SEX with him ONLY
HELLO
DOUBLE-STANDARD
but here I am
sticking to my guns
no contact
been out
but only interested
in celebrating
being single again
being me
I am okay!
lonely maybe...
but not DESPERATE
Life does go on.
kids, kitties, family, and friends, and my job lol
co-workers (they have been especially awesome, supportive,
a godsend)
HIS LOSS
MY GAIN
(;)
Hmmm, I believe that if you have a history with someone, love can survive periods of less time together.
And to say, across the board, that these men don't "have what it takes" is not looking at the whole picture.
Exactly.
http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">![]()
It's not that they don'T want too, but just as hard as it is for them to find someone that
accepts their lives as it is, with little time and always on the go, it's hard for women that eventually feel their needs aren't met, because they feel like they aren't really in a relationship or married when the mate is always gone.
Everyone keeps talking about how SEX is soooooo important. Like Candi does, remember the 5 most important things? Well, it's hard to have sex with someone that is never around. Where is the connection when you are married to someone that is consistently deployed or on a business trip? That takes a huge amount of commitment that people these days don't seem to want to deal with. Especially for people that need a physical connection.
This also goes for business men, and I think you can totally agree with me on this WEST, coming out of the Hotel Industry as well, I don't EVEN want to start on how many cheat on their wives because they never see their wives except for on the weekends. And then even in that event, women often just don't want sex, because they no longer feel the connection they once do, which is important for a woman. And now in the consultant world, I see it ALL the time. They are never home, so they just eventually have their women wherever they can. The soldiers that are living here married and their wives are not allowed over here, to 90% of the time are always cheating on their wives, they just can't be caught.
Alex's father most definitly cheated on me, I know that. I accepted it, because of his position. I just didn't want to know about it "don't ask, don't tell" and I didn't want to be married to it. After awhile I would of resented him and forgot about the SOUL commitment we have. I know he loved me, and I loved him and still do after 20yrs, but with a lifestyle of always being gone, it's sometimes important for even them to have some sort of affection, connection to a warm body. It gets very lonely for them as well.
Away from the Special Op's, this goes for Anyone: Anyone who doesn't spend enough quality time because they can't with their women, just have a even slimmer chance of keeping that tight connection, physically and after awhile mentally. Same goes for the women. It's hard to stay on the same level, everyone changes and then, it's harder to find the connection again, when you don't have time to maintain it.
Cat,
What is meant by "warfare community" is not all soldiers and sailors.
http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">![]()
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