Well....I Called Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Well....I Called Him
7
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:17pm

On my break at work I went outside and called him on my coworker's cell phone.

He answered, and I was really nervous, but I said..."um, don't you think you need to tell me something?"

He was a little taken aback by this, so I explained that I was sorry to bother him, since I figured I was, especially since he seemed to be ignoring me. He told me that he wasn't ignoring me, that he had been very busy, had went to church Sunday, and that his back was hurt...blah blah blah.

So, I just said that if he didn't want to see me, that that was fine, but I would at least like some type of call or something to just let me know that either this wasn't working out, etc., rather than being ignored and treated like I had fell off the face of the earth.

He told me that he didn't like the conversation, that it was just "yack yack yack," so I told him I was sorry...I didn't intend to sound that way, I was just nervous. He then proceeded to tell me that since I had apologized, that the conversation was getting better.

There was a little more to it than all of this. He said that he respected the fact that I voiced how I felt and voiced my opinion, etc., that he had just been busy though. Actually, he was a little rude. I told him that it just hurt my feelings that he couldn't be honest with me and therefore, I felt like I needed to at least say something.

Whatever the case with him, I at least feel better for getting my feelings and thoughts out there. At least I know now that he's a jerk. I'm a very shy person, and it took a lot of nerve for me to even go out with him on a date, let alone call him and tell him how I felt. So, if there's a positive to it all, at least I stood up for myself I guess. I feel better now too......so......another one bites the dust....lol!

Thanks for listening and replying to my last post, I appreciate it very much!

Hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:55pm

By the way, I have a tendency to second guess myself....

Do you think it was silly of me to even call him and voice how I felt?

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:02pm


You've got some closure, that's good. I've done that before too.

Now I guess I just don't let myself care that much till things get serious...which honestly, they usually don't. LOL...guys are fickle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 11:33pm

I guess you really have to ask yourself whether you feel better having done it or would you have been better to just let it go and not give him the time of day?

I used to think I needed closure too, but then I realized that seeking that closure was just investing too much of my time and emotions in to a guy that wasn't worth it.

At least now you know who he is, and you can let go without question. One good thing is that confronting him like you did, just might keep from doing the same thing to the next girl...or not.

Good luck finding a better fish!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:24am

Kait,

I'm a pretty laid back type and usually don't feel compelled to do more than offer a short comment or two but in this case I feel I must scream somthing in your ear- "BE CONFIDENT!" If you wanted to call the guy to let him know that you were offended by his inconsideration that's fine (but just once, any more than that and it's like your just begging to have him back) but you did not need to apologize to him for doing it. In fact, the reason he got a rude with you instead of apologizing himself is probably because you let him know that you were willing to take the blame. He could then condesend to contine speaking to you in spite of all your "yakking," after you admitted your wrongdoing.

What he did to you in the first place was just plain rude. He might not have liked being told that but hey, the truth hurts sometimes. I think that apologizing to him was just as good as distorting the truth for him so that he wasn't hurt by it. It actually doesn't do him any favors. It just allows him to confirm, in his mind, the use of an inappropriate way of treating women. He still thinks that what he did was ok. Now he thinks that you think it's ok too. If it were me, I wouldn't have called ( I agree with the person who said that closure is sometimes just too draining and not worth it.) But if you were going to call in a situation like this, then I think that you should have approached it with confidence.

Trust me, I'm shy too and have been battling confidence issues all my life. Maybe that's why I responded so strongly to this one. It just isn't right for us to allow any man to distort out view of ourselves and situations so much that we don't know what's what anymore. All we know is that it's probably our fault. It's a real distortion of the truth- the truth of our value as persons, as women, the truth of the standards of treating ppl that we are trying to uphold. There is nothing to feel guilty about, or sorry for about that. And if you do apologize alot and act like it's your fault, then ppl will treat you as if your fault. I used to apologize all the time and it caused me so many problems. It's like Dr Phil says, you teach ppl how to treat you. I just want you (and me, and all of us) to teach ppl how to treat us well.

The truth will set you free!

Amy

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 10:32am
Glad you feel better having made the call Kait. I guess you needed to know he wasn't as kind and as much the kind of person as you thought him to be and NEEDED him to be.
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 12:45pm

Kait,

In the future, I would suggest that you not call a man back. The first time you called, he didn't respond or call you back. It was okay to call the first time, but not the second time.

Even still, you weren't "wrong". He is a complete and total jerk. You should not have apologized for calling either. He was blowing you off. No, he wasn't that busy, he was a jerk.

I'm tired of men these days that end relationships by just ignoring the woman. This happens a lot. The woman will call to see what is wrong and then the jerk will pick a fight and make it all the woman's fault. You can't stop the break-up. But, you can protect your ears from his lame excuses and finger pointing by not calling him.

Promise me. If this jerk calls you again, and there's a good chance he will because men seem to come back (they almost always do unless you burn the bridge), do not give him the time of day. Do not give him the chance to pull this disappearing stunt again.

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-26-2005 - 12:59pm

Sweetie

He's a jerk. You weren't wrong to call him if it helped you at all. And sounds like it did.

I can 100% understand how you describe yourself. I have been with my SO for almost 4 years and it is still a struggle for me to tell him how I feel alot of the time. And when he shuts down when I tell him something that's bothering me, it hurts. Him telling you basically he didn't care what you had to say, is just proof you're better off.

Hope you can move on this proud that you did what you needed to do.
Hugs
Tara