Went to Counseling Yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Went to Counseling Yesterday
6
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:12am

Shane attended with me. It went well. The counselor got him talking about his feelings...about me, about our marriage and what has happened to us. She talked to us about a structured separation meaning, no getting legal advice without consulting the other person, no dating anyone else, no excessive amounts of money spent without consulting the other person, if we get together to have sex we need to keep in mind that it does NOT mean we are together again but instead finding a way to connect, and we should find time to spend together without the kids in an environment that is fun.

We agreed to those terms. Also, because he is overly critical of me and she noticed that, she suggested we come up with something he can say to me if I begin to run off at the mouth. I can also say something to him when he begins to get rude.

Gentle reminders...nothing harsh.

Anyway, I am happy with how it turned out. Nothing new to report, just glad it is okay and that we managed to get thru it.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:23am

That's great Mel. It sounds like the session went VERY well. Big (((((HUGS))))) to you as you go through this!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:56pm

I like her rules. This sounds productive - keep us posted.

How do you feel Shane reacted to all of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:01pm
Not sure. We did not really talk about it last night. He got really critical of me and began to make some remarks that the counselor had to stop him. I don't know if he's right for me after all. I mean I adore him, but I can clearly see he is bitter and not willing to move past it. He'd rather be nasty and make rude comments like I do not want to use my head. She asked himmy strengths and it took him a moment to get to one. Then he had to add a "but" in there instead of just listing what is good about me. I think he responded okay to it, but like I said, he didn't say much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:06pm

I think it is good for you to get an outsider's point of view. It seems that will be good for you and in your best interest.

HUGS! I am sorry he can't be more positive - that must feel very hurtful for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:38pm
Mel - I am on this board on and off - so I am apologizing if I sound like an idiot. I am divorced, and my ex criticized everything I did too. Our counselor suggested that he "say something nice to me". He didn't talk to me at all, since he couldn't find anything nice to say.
I don't think this habit is changeable, but again - I don't know the back story. You don't need that! I don't know if that is the same guy you were describing as "perfect". You may think he is perfect, since he is pointing out all of the imperfections in you. Don't fall for that trap.
Good luck!
Shortcake
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:49am
Oh gosh no, Shane is far from perfect. He thinks he is, but he isn't. I am very hurt over this. I want him to see what is good in me like he used to. NOt sure if it's that he's just hurting or mad or just bitter. But he needs to get over it.

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