What are you looking for?
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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:17pm |
When I was dating, I used to get this question alot...especially from guys I would meet from online dating sites. The ones I met in person wouldn't ask me this until the 2nd or 3rd date, but the ones I met online would ask right up front.
Have you been asked this? And when asked, how do you answer?
When I became single, I viewed it as a re-birth for me. A chance to blossom. And I wanted to really get out and explore this city and this area that I had lived in for 6 years and hardly knew. So, my answer was always the same...I'm looking for someone who wants to spend time getting to know me and getting to know this beautiful area with me. Someone who is interesting and fun to be with...likes to explore, likes to have good conversation, and good food. Likes to experience new things... it was never about a relationship...I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was looking for a companion...and then if I decided I really liked him I might pursue a relationship...
I found that guys that were out for just sex didn't like my answer because it required too much investment of their time (& money)...and guys who wanted a relationship were more inclined to stick around. Guys who were extroverted and had active lifestyles & interests were more interested, guys who were more of a homebody, introverted shied away. All in all, I got a pretty good mix, with only occasional bad seeds. Only one guy told me he wasn't interested in having more "friends" he has enough friends and he wanted a girlfriend. For some reason, this really ticked me off. We didn't go out. LOL

I love that. I've been thinking about this a little, what would I want in a person when I feel ready to date again (not yet, I'm not sure when I'll feel ready). What I really want is someone I can count on. I want to be part of a partnership where we both support each other. Every relationship I have had has been mostly one-sided. With my x-bf there were times he was there for me, but it wasn't consistent. At least he just leaned on me emotionally and counted on me to give him space. All my relationships before him (including my marriage) were about them needing me financially, and thankfully I've broken that bad habit. But now it's time for me. I'm so sick of not having anyone to lean on, and with no family nearby, I really need that some days.
But if it's okay, I'm going to steal your answer (not the part about being new to the area, but the jist of it). If it can throw off the homebodies and the guys just wanting sex, it has to be worth stealing from you.
I am looking to find a stable, fun, somewhat compatible companion to enjoy meals and movies and other fun activities. Someone who will enjoy time with me; look forward to see me; and want to get to know me. Someone who will teach me something new. Basically a little sparkle to an already great life. A friend. And if he gets lucky and earns my trust, a lover to boot!! ;-)
After that, the rest is gravy.
That is everything!! And in one sentence to boot!! That is what we all have to remember instead of worring whether he like us!!
Some things that I want and would say in response to the question, if a man asked me, would be:
I want: someone who is a package deal of integrity and good character- hard working, honest, responsible, owns up, etc,
:someone who is confident and believes in himself.
:someone who is stable and grounded.
:someone who is smart.
:someone with a good sense of humor who doesn't sweat the small stuff.
Some things that I want that I wouldnt say to a man (even though I'd be looking for them) would be:
I want: someone who is physically strong and brave and could/would protect me from dangerous ppl and family members
:someone who is more extroverted than me because talking drains me. I need lots of time where I don't have to talk but I do like to connect with ppl by listening to them sometimes.
:someone who is organized and has a good sense of direction. This one is because I am disorganized and have a poor sense of direction and another like me would be the blind leading the blind.
:someone who loves sex and is a good lover.
Amy
I know he isn't just out for a one nighter because we can be together and not get physical (although it is difficult not to) and just talk and hang out. We spent one night eating PB&J in my kitchen at 2 in the morning talking about nothing and everything. He is interested in having me meet his family and get me included in his life but realizes that his pending divorce and my need to take it slow are major factors. He respects it.
Part of me wants to believe that we aren't going to be the rebound relationship that all the books talk about, part of me is terrified that we are going to be the rebound and get hurt, part of me thinks I should just stop worrying and enjoy him while I have him.
The question is definetly a good one to ask to weed out the bad boys. But it's more important to see their actions too.
"The question is definetly a good one to ask to weed out the bad boys. But it's more important to see their actions too." VERY VERY True! Actions do speak louder than words.
Don't worry too much about the rebound thing...if you do you could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I over-worried about this with my SO when we met because he was recently divorced and had only gone out with 2 women before me. The thing is, I never really questioned it until I came on this board and was cautioned about rebound relationships. As a result I got a bit insecure and we had many discussions about it with him always reassuring me that his feelings for me were real.
He has a lot of patience! I so do love him. :)
Hi Amy,
The things that you listed as things you would tell a guy you were looking for, are things I waited to find out about them through their actions. I'm not sure I would want to communicate those things and inadvertently end up giving them my recipe for the perfect guy, which they could then use as a cheat sheet to fool me. KWIM?
I didn't tell my SO that I was looking for a confident, supportive, stable guy who acted with integrity. I told him I was looking for a companion to do things with, go out, have a good time, laugh, see things with... I found out that he was all those things and more through his actions.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'd be cautious about describing what I want a man to be like to a man I don't know...I wouldn't want him to have that in with me, and be able to pretend to be all those things. I'd rather find out he really was those things without my telling him.
Does that make any sense?
What does KWIM mean?
Yes, I understand. You focused more on describing what activities you wanted to share with a person than what traits you wanted them to have.
Amy
Thanks. I was wracking my brains over that one!
Amy