What are YOUR dating rules?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
What are YOUR dating rules?
10
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:25am

Hello!!

I'm back into the dating scene after being with my X for 20 years, and from what I see, things have changed a lot since then. I was reading up on so-called dating rules and to be honest most of them made me laugh! They seem to make dating into more of a game or a power play than anything else.

I think we all have our own personal rules (though I hate to refer to them as such). So I'd like to know what are your dating rules (if any)? What do you think about the "rules" that are out there now, like the 3rd date rule, wait 2 days to call, etc...




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:54am

I'm interested to see what others have to say....

For me, I have not read The Rules... but sure I've got a few "guidelines"... And I agree that things have changed in the dating field.... My main guideline is letting the guy pursue me (as best I can). I also try not to be too available but that's not a rule it's a lifestyle... that means filling my life with lots of good stuff so that I'm not waiting anxiously by the phone with nothing to do but worry about whether a guy likes me....

Another guideline for me right now is staying active... meeting new prospects every week... playing the numbers game...keeping my eyes open and a smile on my face....

Another guideline is giving everyone a chance (but I must admit when a guy comes up to me in a bar and he's drunk off his ---, slurring his words, i don't give him a chance...oops). Otherwise, i try to stay away from looking for a "type."

Two day calling rule - crucial! But since i'm the female, i try to avoid calling at all...unless i'm returning a call.

Then there's all the new text messaging rules.... Haven't learn them all but I don't text too often (unless i've been drinking then I just get silly).

I probably have a few more opinions and guidelines but I don't have RULES.

Loonybunny

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:11pm

Welcome Michelle! My rules depend on the guy in my life for the "moment". LOL If you stick around, you'll catch on that I date someone new every 4-12 weeks. I watch to see what rules I might have to throw out the window and use some that I might have never used before.

For instance:
The guy I dated back in January - Major no-no was not following through. He had to be dumped.

The guy in February-March - Healthy obsessed with food. I couldn't even eat pasta without getting the 3rd degree.

The guy from April-June - Not on the wave length for several reasons, but he also had a problem with not adjusting to the fact that he was in a relationship and it wasn't all about him anymore.

The guy now - Sort of a bad communicator, but he is starting to get it and he wants to get it. For instance - he was supposed to call me after his basketball game to let me know if he was coming for dinner last night. At 10:15pm he writes, not calls, a text stating: I just finished playing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course I didn't know if that meant he was coming or not. I texted him, no response, no response, no response. 45 minutes later, I'm asleep and he says, I was showering, I'm in the car on my way over. GRRRR. As soon as he got here, I told him what I felt and thought. He didn't think he wrote anything wrong, but then when I explained the open ended sentence, he then took it on board.

Other rules that kind of stick with every man is: Don't mess with my time; don't talk the talk and not walk the walk; always call me first, I will never call you; If you don't contact me within 3 days, you aren't interested enough; Schedule all time with me in advance, otherwise you will lose out to someone else; tell me how you feel, don't make me read your mind.

Again, the list goes on and on. I am very picky. Mr. History calls me princess, because that is truly how I act. I can be very high maintenance when it comes to manners. Ill manners WILL if you take it to far, will give you the boot. I give 3 chances, strike out the third time and you are out. I do compare the out weighing of good or bad. If I feel the guy is doing it on purpose to be a jerk, he's out much quicker. If I think it's more like Mr. History, who sometimes just has ADD, then I forgive him, but teach him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:41pm

Thanks! So where do you meet all of these guys?

I'm recently divorced (April), so I'm just diving back into dating & until recently had no idea where to meet a guy! Well, almost 2 weeks ago, I met a guy. We were talking on the benches at the playground (like all parents do) and it was funny b/c I didn't have my radar up & didn't know he was interested (I guess it's hard after 20 yrs with the same guy). Before I knew it, we were exchanging phone numbers. He called me the next day, we talked every day that week for 2-3 hours (after the kids were in bed). We met up Saturday & I think it went really well. We seemed to mesh together well. We're going out again on Fri!!

Since I've been out of the dating arena for so long, I started reading up on dating advice & saw the rules & kinda LOL'd at them. I think we broke most of them! We talk at least once a day & text several times. Sometimes I call him, sometimes he calls me. I just thought most of them were silly (for me anyway). I don't like playing games, I just want to meet someone great and have a good time, which so far I am having!

I guess I'm a bit scared of the so called 3rd date rule....do guys really expect sex on the 3rd date?? This is my first experience dating after my divorce, so I'm not eager to rush into a relationship, KWIM?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:48pm

I'll let you know when I figure it out myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:59pm

My "rules" have changed quite a bit since my younger single days before I had kids. I'm not even sure I had any rule back then except they had to be male. ;-) lol (yikes)

For me now- in the early dating stages, I don't like anyone who does too much sex talk. If every conversation ends up being nothing but innuendo and flirts, then that's a no-go. Have some intelligence in there! Think with the OTHER head if you want a chance! lol

Don't try to maul me on the first date. You start out that way, it's a no-go, either.

Don't tell me you're "into Asians" and expect to get another date.

I don't call or chase. If a man is interested, then he will call. And make a REAL date- not just suggest to go hang out. Or ask to come over. But don't call me several times a day! I don't have time for that. We also don't have to spend every waking moment together to be 'together'.

I expect civility and manners. That's not asking for too much! I don't want to hear cuss words with every sentence. I don't want rude behavior. If you ask me out for a date, I expect you to pay for the meal and/or activities.

A good-night kiss on a first date? Could happen... but I won't be making out. And no sex.

And no sex unless/until we have dated awhile and are agreeing to see ONLY each other. And for me- no sex until I am passed that 'unsure' stage of where a relationship is going- however long that takes. (Him, too- we both have to be okay with it) There is no set time frame for this! But until I feel more secure about things, it won't happen. I've learned in my old years, that having sex does NOT make a fragile relationship stronger. I've also learned that if a man doesn't want to wait for me, or pressures me- then he's kicked out the door.

Cheat on me once we are dating exclusively, and it's OVER, no looking back.

Be willing and able to talk about wants, needs and feelings without running for the hills. (or not even having a CLUE)

I'm sure if I sit here and think, I can come up with more. It's not really dating rules so much as lessons learned the hard way- and things I've learned not to sacrifice for the sake of finding someone or being with someone. A warm body with no substance isn't what I want!

**Edited to add something I forgot- NO last-minute dates! I can't drop everything and head out when I have the kids! I have to have some lead-time to arrange sitters.

~shrimpy




Edited 7/18/2007 2:01 pm ET by shrimpychimps

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:20pm

I've never met anyone to want sex on the first, second or third date, because one of my rules is "do not touch me on the first date". LOL. No kissing, no hand holding, no arm aruond me. NOTHING. You may get a cheek on cheek as a goodnight signal, but that is it. You usually don't even get kissed by me until the 3rd or 4th date. My last guy waited 6 dates and the guy now had to wait 5. For me, it's a GET TO KNOW me phase, not jump in the sack with everyone phase. Unfortunately, I've already had WAY to many partners in my life then I would like to even start mentioning. Things are different now a days. So to think if I had sex with every 3rd date I had, I would be in the several hundreds now. And kissing on the first date would be even more.

My daughter shakes her head at the amount of men that flock around me. She says, she can't take me anywhere. LOL. I literally meet men EVERYWHERE and not just online(petstore, bookstore, grocerystore, buying a christmas tree, hardware of course, coffee shop, playground, meetup clubs, bar of course, pharmacy, walking down the street or eating lunch). It can get kind of crazy, but I guess I'm just really lucky that way. I also have some of the wackiest date stories. I've been through it all. LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 7:17pm

I have a few that I have learned by reading a lot of books and by reading this board and by my own hard knocks.

My first one is that I have to work on me - so I am confident in my life and can be me and not be afraid to state who I am and what I want. I am not going to change to be with someone or try to appeal to everyone just to be with someone. I am very aware of my strengths and want someone who goes "wow" when he sees them. This one rule has really helped me a lot.

Does he have obvious things in his life that would get in the way of a relationship? Like travel all the time, little kids, alcohol, an ex, still separated? If so, I avoid this.

I have taken almost a forensic approach to watching every detail of correspondence in the beginning stages. Does he want to take me to someplace I like? And make me feel comfortable and have fun? So so so many fail on this one and to me it is HUGE!! Is he fun to talk to and be with?

I keep the first date short - maybe a kiss, maybe not - just depends on the moment and how I feel about the date. I believe it is better to err on the don't kiss side - make them want more.

Is he into me? Meaning he is calling, texting and wanting to see me? And he acts romantic and sweet almost shy. This is a big deal.

No sex until after exclusivity. And this exclusivity thing is also a biggie - if they don't ask, I will. I don't want to wonder or assume. I want to hear where they stand on that.

I leave it up to the guy to move things forward emotionally. I am not calling and chasing. And really here is where you have to just wait and see what happens over time - let it develop on its own. I am busy now so I don't have to see them all the time to feel secure. That is a biggie that I worked on - because I think I was needy before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 10:39pm

May I ask why little kids are a problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 5:44am

I think that guys with little kids tend to be very busy with all of their activities and that leaves no time for me. Plus I am selfish and don't want to do all of those little kid activities because I am really athletic and active. And I have an older kid. So I kind of want someone in the same boat. It is just me and my preference. Keep in mind I am 45.

Edited to add: for you, I would think about the time you have to offer and be upfront about your situation. It is helpful if you have sitters and family and an ex to help you . But the thing about having small children is that you are dependent on them being well and on other people coming through with the babysitting - so that can mean an upset to plans sometimes. I think a guy is either open to children or not open to children. And you do want to find that out in the beginning. When my son was small I dated plenty of guys and the time or my son was never a factor in the relationship. The good thing about small children is that they are loving and open to everyone. So if you find someone serious about you when your child is young the blended family thing will probably go better.




Edited 7/19/2007 5:51 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:59am

<> I think this is a good question... when I was first single again my youngest was only 8 mos old.... I googled for dating advice all the time and I found an article that said most guys were uncomfortable dating a women with a child younger than 2 yrs old. Mostly because a child that young needs a lot of attention, care and raising. A man feels more pressure to become "daddy" than for older children. So after my youngest past 2 yrs old., I was releaved and again hopeful about rejoining the dating scene... In the mean time, I needed to spend that time anyway developing my own self esteem that does NOT depend on a man. It was a well spent year and a half....

I say get a sitter and get out there...

Love,
Loonybunny