What to ask potential partner?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
What to ask potential partner?
7
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 11:08am

Hey all..I am a regular lurker on this board..dont think I have posted here though.


I am a single GRANDmother, raising my near 5 yr old granddaughter, so have the same issues as a regular mom =)


I am going through a divorce..been 6 mths and have no unresolved issues from that!


Soooo I may not be ready for dating due to alcohol abuse, past rapes, issues I will be working on soon with a therapist. I did some online dating for a few months, nothing stuck, no problem lol


BUT I just started seeing a guy I really like! The more I get to know him, the more adorable he is! I know I need to fix ME first, but just cannot let this guy go. He is so much more than both my ex husbands, and wants to take it slow too.


ANYWAYS, I emailed him some questions, just to check out a bit of his integrity. He is open for me to ask anything..but I am kinda at a loss of what to ask him next.


Yes he likes kids. He was divorced years ago and has 2 daughters he sees regulary..16 and 11. He did a stint in the military, is currently an instructer at a large college, takes classes, and has a side business.


What would you be asking someone that you just FEEL may be the next guy in your chapter of life? I dont want to smother him, but would like to feel him out more..


Suggestions??


~Lisa  =))

 

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 11:44am

Common wisdom and from my own experience is that to have the divorce papers signed and be emotionally on your own for a year before dating or getting into a romantic relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 12:22pm

Thanks Mark..I appreciate your wisdom, I do.


Well I am probably just going to give you a bunch of excuses lol.... so what do I say? I thought I was ready for dating, other iVillage sites say I am not, because of my past.


We (ex and I) get along great! He moved in a gf right after I left, but I left the marriage years ago, emotionally. I have worked on myself for years, and have come a long way. I have forgiven everybody, but just am stuck on my own self worth.


My biggest hurdle at this point is trust. I can talk, I can communicate, I can be laid back and easy going, I can be fun to be around..it's the sex that gives me the problems. I can DO for him, but am too shy to receive back. ( as in relaxing)


So maybe you think I am not ready. In some ways I am unsure myself. BUT if this guy hears it and is willing to take it slow and build a trust, who am I to deny my own heart? I have been alone for many years.


So maybe I am a train wreck heading down the tracks..then again, maybe I am more ready than I let myself believe I am.


Heck, the last thing I want is to hurt him


~Lisa

~Lisa  =))

 

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 1:07pm

We learn the best is from experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2007
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 1:54pm

~Mark..you are so wise..and forgive me, but sweet =)


My guy (geesh can I call him that?) called me at lunch and we talked about a lot of things. I broke the barrier and told him about my shyness. He at first didnt believe me. I am an aggressive female when I am drinking.both ex's liked it. This new guy doesnt. I am what I refer to as a "biter/scratcher", but Bruce doesnt like that. Its all I KNOW...but in my heart I AM NOT THAT at all....I am submissive..I was just doing what I thought was expected of me all this time.


So we talked...and touched on all those subjects. So since I have never made love sober, I am scared. Tomorrow night he is picking me up and taking me to his cabin. No alcohol. I think he now understands a bit of my past, and where I am coming from...he is happier knowing all that, than to think I was so damned aggressive. He is the dominant one..and I am more than happy to be the opposite. He knows now that I am going to have a hard time with it..but he said he is more than willing to work through it, even if we dont have sex.


So yeah I am SCARED..so friggin' scared..but this is what I want, and need. The time, the patience, the understanding.


I just want to feel like a woman.

~Lisa  =))

 

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 4:12pm

Aww thanks Lisa for calling me sweet.


I wanted to do the same out of a sexless, loveless marriage as well, i.e. explore my sexual side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:01pm

Welcome!! Glad you found us.

Geez - you have been through a lot - and it sounds like you have worked on you a lot. I must say I do agree with Mark that you should wait until you are divorced at least a year - but as you state you do feel ready. The only thing I would caution, is that the more time you take to get really happy alone, the more picky you get.

Okay - what I would ask is - are we exclusive and what does this mean - but only because you say he is taking you away to a cabin!! Never assume. Because the last thing you want and need is to open yourself up to him with vulnerability and then have him not call or not be into you or be dating someone else. Because that plain stinks and will set you back emotionally big time. Or it would for me.

One thing I think that is important is the way he makes you feel over time. If he has romantic interest he will be into you and go slow and do things to make you feel special. If he is just into the sex he will come on strong that way from the beginning. And those are usually the relationships, if they even progress that far, that turn into a headache.

So don't ever be afraid to find out what is in it for you and to make him wait!! Good luck for whatever you decide for you and keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 2:42am

My current bf and I did the eharmony personality survey and emailed the results to eachother. We didn't sign up, but we used it to learn some things. Sorry E-Harmony!


Just a thought, but if you are working on yourself, perhaps you should work on yourself first? In your post you mentioned alcohol, being raped, not divorced yet. I assume that since you are a grandmother you are at least around