What comes first? The chicken or the egg
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What comes first? The chicken or the egg
| Sat, 01-12-2008 - 8:57pm |
Ok, I am really confused here. Nascar contacted me today per email to tell me he's been crying his eyes out because I am his entire world and that he loves me. Okkkkk
He continued to go on that he hasn't

my first reaction is he's scared of being single again. The whole "I love you but don't trust you or feel entirely comfortable yet" says he doesn't want to be alone and he'd rather flounder in a relationship not working, than be alone and have to start all over again...
And if it were me, I think I'd be upset about the ex thing too. That's not to say I would think its a justifyable upset, but knowing me, and my feelings, I'd be upset. I think you feeling the way you do, is very valid. I hope one of the other ladies can shed some light.
I think Nascar might be more in love with the IDEA of having a girlfriend than he is actually in love with you. I'm not sure if he even KNOWS you, if he had such a hard time accepting your kids. It's like he wasn't actually able to see the whole package. But he knows he really liked having you for a girlfriend. It's just that the reality of it all, got in the way of his fantasy ideal.
But love??? I'm not sure if he even realizes that he isn't ready to truly call what he feels, "love". Infatuation, maybe. Fantasy, maybe... but not love. If he isn't able to share with you, then he is simply not open or ready for love. He wants to love from within his walls?? You don't want that! No one deserves that! But apparently that is all he can offer for the time being.
But he hates being alone (within his own walls?) and wants that ideal of being in a loving relationship, and probably DOES want that with you... but yet he just finds himself unable to. The difference between wanting something and making
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I definitely think its an infatuation and that it's definitely more fantasty and his ideal thoughts of what it should be like.
AND I REALLY agree about that whole alone thing. He's scared and he would really does like me, but he is unable to get me or want to get me because his walls are so closed. I think it's terribly sad to see him fighting whatever demons he's dealing with, but I know I can't be his therapist. I would have wanted to be their for him, make him feel secure, but not be a therapist for him or a security blanket. Does that make sense? I just felt that he had no tolerance for children and he wouldn't allow himself to ever be tolerant to anything that he wasn't used to.
I'm glad I am on the right track of recognizing things sooner, but I'm much happier when I can get some validation on this board that I am.
"My god, she is so strong and has been doing this all alone...?" and want to be near you and help and validate?
I dont know how to put it into words but the first thing he should feel is some sort of empathy even if he hasnt had kids of his own. Being a good single mom takes strength and grace under a lot of fires and he should be impressed when he sees you in the midst of it and in a bit of awe if you ask me. There should be some acceptable amount of chivalry involved as well that allows him to think " I will make sure she never feels alone in this again." "My presence here is meaningful and I will make sure that my being here is of help to her"
Sounds dramatic but really when you think about it, if he is uncomfortable around your kids for any reason, he cant be there without causing you more stress and strain. If anyone is to be around us permanently while we raise these kids single handedly they need to be a positive thing for us, take away some of the stress and worry - not add.
Of course he misses you. He is worried suddenly that something that he hasnt resolved about himself will keep him from being happy and he needs to come to terms with that and IMO that has nothing to do with you. If he doesnt want to have kids or be around kids and you have brought that fact out and plastered it in neon for him to see, he is suddenly having to come to terms with the fact that he has GREATLY reduced his available dating pool toward a forever partner. It is my opinion that as we all get older, there are less and less women out there that just want to fling around and more that are looking for something meaningful even if that doesnt include marriage or kids. So he would have to learn how to open up, trust and be available to someone. For him to realize that he is either going to most likely be alone a lot or work on himself is painful and he needs to feel that pain so just let him.
I am sorry it didnt work out. I was in love with someone for a more than a year who felt as he did and I tried and tried and had to end it because he just didnt have any interest in meeting my kid or spending anytime with him. This was years ago but I thought he was waiting so long to meet him because my son was so young at the time or just out of respect waiting for me to bring it up and then when I realized that he didnt want kids ever and that kids freaked him out I was already so ga ga over him it broke my heart to leave him. But I am so glad I did and he is still single and still living in the same crappy apartment and still going from woman to woman disappointing them because he cant just open his life to new possibilities. Feel proud for having made a strong decision for you and yours and have faith that someone else will make you look back on this and thank your lucky stars you left. There are better things and people to come!!
I think you hit it on the head! Its all about what shrimpy said too. It's about being alone and feeling that the dating pool will get smaller and smaller.
He is definitely going to find it very hard to find someone who doesn't have or want kids. And I don't foresee him changing at all. The more I think of his rigid routine, being stubborn about any change and now telling me he what he did, it just makes it more clear that he has some serious issues to deal with.
I did suggest therapy to him. In a nice way. :) I just told him I thought he should learn to have less fears and worries and to learn to take a leap or a risk for something that could be good to him, but that I felt that he had fears of failure and that therapy could help.
I did write him back today and told him I was disapointed to hear what I had read, but that I now felt that I truly did invest into something that wasn't going to change and that I am glad that I am learning more and more about the reasons for our relationship ending, which is now clear that the children were only a part of it. Him having cleared a few things up are making it easier now for me to put it to rest. In the last few days, I have felt much more relief! A huge amount of stress has lifted.
I really care about him and have strong feelings, but its already much easier and I know I want a healthy relationship for the NY08, not another wreck. I've spent 7 years being in failed relationships due to bad judgement but also due to my own issues that I have caused. I will be working very hard to overcome my own difficulties and hope that learning more and more about myself, I will learn to love myself and become a more happier and content person that will attract the same type. I think my not loving myself and dealing with my own issues of emotional abuse, I attracted the wrong sort of men. I just want someone EXACTLY as you described and who has a LOT of patience and understanding for my children and me. I don't want to be dysfunctional, I want to be normal. LOL
I'll sing back up to what everybody else said.