What to do?
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What to do?
| Sun, 02-11-2007 - 10:20pm |
Hello, I am a 30 yr old single mother to a wonderful 11 month old son. I tried eharmony to find a decent human being to try to start a relationship with. I made contact with a nice man (nice meaning gainfully employed, doesn't push me/demand my time). Problem, I am terrified to phone him. I live with my parents due to losing my job after having my son. I am working full time, but cannot afford to move out, yet. How do I start to date? Do I tell this man that maybe he should go on and I just forget about dating for now? I am confused. I don't know what to do. He wants me to call him, I keep appologizing for not calling. Now I feel like an idiot. Christy

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It doesn't sound to me like you are
I am scared of dating while living at home. I feel like a loser. I do not see how any man would want to date someone that lives at home with family. I feel that my situation comes across as being a gold digger or something. I want to start dating, but I am embarrassed of this situation.
I have to agree with what Alison said. I also don't think you're ready to date yet.
It's not something to be ashamed of, if you're living with your parents as a single mom, trying to get back on your feet. You're in a specific situation, and you know it's not because you are lazy and trying to simply sponge off of them.
But if you have a shameful attitude about your situation, and don't feel like you're a worthy person for a man to date, then that attitude WILL come across if you meet up, and that alone might turn him off to pursuing anything more, even while you may be a great catch and you might match wonderfully otherwise.
That is one BIG thing I've learned in my dating since getting divorced... you just have to be OKAY with yourself and what your life is, before you can ever be good for someone else as a partner in dating or in a relationship. If you see any characteristic in yourself as "embarrassing baggage" or have the attitude of "how can anyone love me this way?"- then how CAN a potential partner not see it as negative as well?
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Let me say this as well. I DON"T feel bad about myself, I have dated a few men that have felt this way towards me. What will make him any different?
Just forget my posts, This is stupid. I am not going to try to date.
<<<"Let me say this as well. I DON"T feel bad about myself, I have dated a few men that have felt this way towards me. What will make him any different?">>>
Well, if that is the case, then you won't know what eHarmony-guy will think unless/until you contact him and agree to meet! How would you know if you don't give him a chance?
Not every man on the planet would see your situation as the men in your recent dating history has. And if they do- then say "good riddance" because you wouldn't want to date them anyway!
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Aw sweetie (((((((((HUGS))))))))
I know it's hard right now, but you will get through this.
Hi Christine,
Welcome!! Sorry to hear your story - but glad to have you here with us.
I think Shrimps and Alison give great advice. I always love what they write.
After reading your story, the only thing I would add is that you have to do whatever it takes in your life to make yourself proud of yourself. I think when you are happy and proud of yourself you make better selections of potential partners and have higher standards for how they treat you.
Maybe for right now you just need more activities and friends? And to enjoy the time with your parents and little one. Get back on your feet and then you will meet the right one for you.
When I read your story, I think wow! How great it is that you have such nice parents to take you back into their home, and how humble and gracious you are to do that too - it is not easy for anyone to live with their parents again after they have been out on their own. That would be hard for me. So I do admire you for how you made a mistake and then fixed it.
Being a mom is just great - single or not. I would pick having a child over an SO any day, although they are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
Come here and read our stories and post often - and you can live vicariously through all of us.
I think that when you can get to know someone in person and look at their life decisions and how they treat other people you can get a good feel if they were trustworthy. I bet you look back on your exh and see things that bothered you from the beginning. This is why you are not ready to take another risk - because you want to be stronger on your own. Just a thought from reading what you write.
Hope this helps!! Don't be sad - look at this like an opportunity to get strong and create your life the way you want it!! I mean, you have a clean slate so now you can make the most of it.
Hi there, Christine, and welcome! I too lived with my parents while trying to date. It isn't impossible. I actually sold my house and moved in with them because my father was having health issues. Now I have an apartment not too far from them, and still see them daily. I was upfront about living with my parents, but didn't really go into the details of why when I met someone new. If it lasted more than a couple of dates (which was- IS rare for me), I spoke a little more about my father's health issues, and my reasons for being there. I wasn't ashamed to be there- it made sense at the time. If a man couldn't deal with that, or didn't want to, he wasn't the right man for me.
I agree with Shrimpy, Alison, and West about most of this. Do what you want to do now. Conecntrate on making yourself happy. If dating makes you happy, date. If being single and just focusing on you makes you happy, do that.
If anyone thinks you're a golddigger or looking for someone to take care of you, that's really their problem. We can't change how people think, and why would you want to? If they think that, they're not for you. Let them think whatever they want, their thoughts and opinions don't matter in YOUR world.
Also, as far as EHarmony Guy, there's no reaosn not to tell him. I've used EHArmony in the past, and if I remember correctly, there's a whole laundry list of steps to go through before you're at the contact point. If the two of you have made it this far, give him a call, meet for coffee, and see how it goes. The issue of you living with your parents may be overshadowed by something else- maybe you'll realize YOU don't like HIM once you've met in person.
Be selective, have fun, and please stick around!
Moody
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