What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
What to do?
9
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:50pm

I feel so lucky to have this board and you ladies. I've been lurking and responding here and there but can really see how you ladies have bonded and help each other out. I don't have that many "girlfriends" so it's comforting to know that I can come here and get help, advice or just share. So here's my story...

I've been divorced since June, separated since May, 2005. I was on my own, raising my two kids, son (6) and daughter (3) and felt like I was doing a pretty good job of getting on with my life. Dad is very involved in their lives which I'm very thankful for, of course.

Then around the end of the summer, I started feeling like I was ready to date again. Just get my feet wet and find someone to have some fun with. I met a man on online and we hit it off and dated pretty steadily until Christmas. He was dealing with some personal issues and I gave him some space to figure it out. In the interim, my work friends encouraged me to date other people and not tie myself down to just one man right now. Sounded like a good idea and I promptly met another man who is much more grounded, ready for a relationship, and is very attentive and a good dad to his three daughters. We haven't been able to spend much time together due to family obligations but have had coffee a few times as well as lunch. Well, Guy #1 called the other day and asked me out for this weekend. I haven't seen him in a month and Guy #2 has his daughters for the weekend due to his ex being out of town for 3 weeks. So I said yes to Guy #1. However, today, Guy #2 and I decided to play hookie from work and get together. We spent the entire day together, had lunch, talked, held hands, kissed, etc. and had fantastic time. I think I could have a real relationship with this man but the timing is bad right now since we can't spend much time together. I feel anxious in going out with Guy #1 because Guy #2 told me that he only goes out with one woman at a time. He didn't say he expected the same from me but I think it was implied. I know I should allow myself to "play the field" and see them both but my heart doesn't work that way. I always tend to lean towards one in particular (that being Guy #2) so I find it difficult to think about my date with Guy #1. I know I should go and not sit around this weekend hoping that Guy #2 calls or e-mails, right? Argh!

You all seem so healthy in your ability to date and not overthink it or try to have all the answers right away. I'm so jealous that I can't be that way. I tend to think that if the man I'm with at the moment doesn't want me, no one will. I know I'm better than that but can't seem to make myself believe it. I mean, after all, I was able to meet 2 very nice men in the last 5 months that's not bad.

Anyway, not sure if I'm looking for advice or just someone who says I understand. Feels good just to vent a bit. Thanks for reading...

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 10:33pm

I see nothing wrong at this point with going out with guy #1 if guy #2 is busy with his kids. I would not sleep with both. So I guess the turning point for me would be if I was to get intimate with one that would mean the parting with the other.

Maybe you do want to clarify with #2 about his statement for only dating one person. If he is more stable and into you and wants a relationship and you feel mutually about him he sounds like a better choice based on his history. His kids and family obligations are a blessing to keep you slow.

I am so glad you delurked - we need all the help and news we can get around here to keep our little place hoppin'

Keep us posted on how everything goes! Hope I have helped a bit. I am sure the others will chime in with their thoughts. The more thoughts we have the more interesting and educational it all becomes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:45pm
Totally agree with West on this. If you like Guy #1 at all, by all means go out, get reaquainted. You don't have a commitment of exclusivity from Guy #2 yet, and if you've been reading these boards you know how quickly men can vanish without explanation.
Totally understand the one person at a time thing though. I find I'm much more comfortable dealing with relationships in a serial fashion, though I made myself date multiple guys simultaneously for about 2 months just to prevent myself from falling too hard too fast with any one of them. My BF, M, made it clear he was the one woman at a time kind of guy AND he was willing to wait out my "due diligence" (his exact words) dating until I was sure about committing to him exclusively. He made it easy to take things slowly w/out pressure.
So don't feel guilty, enjoy getting to know both guys. The one who really digs you will be willing to let you take your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 7:02am

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we love having you. We're not all able to stop overthinking. It isn't unhealthy. Yes, you're better than that. To quote West, men are a renewable resource (a quote I LOVE, BTW) and there will always be another one.

I say go with Guy 1, enjoy yourself but don't put too much emphasis on it. If you simply think of it as an outing with a nice person, and not a date with a guy who could be The One, you'll feel much more relaxed about it.

That being said, you must be honest at all times- with yourself, and with whomever you're dating. If Guy 2 wants a serious, committed relationship where you're both exclusive, he'll tell you that.

Time constraints don't really mean you can't be exclusive- Shrimpy and her guy only see each other about once a week, yet they're fully committed.

If you don't want to date more than one guy at a time, don't. But I think you owe it to yourself to have fun. So, go one a date and have fun. It doesn't have to potentially be going anywhere, but you'll never know if it might have if you aren't out there.

Just my opinion, and you're welcome to vent here anytime!

Moody, who has learned she can juggle a little


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:09am

Hi,

I would be interested to know whether Guy #1's personal issues were valid... Or was he being flaky?

I am perhaps too harsh, but I feel that if a guy needs time out and some space to sort his head out, then he is not really THAT into me. Of course, this may not be the case here (and I apologise in advance if it is not), but I think Guy #1 should know that he can't just take time out from your life when he feels like it, and expect you to pick him back up after a month of not seeing each other, just because he decides he wants back in, or is bored, doesn't have a date etc.

It sounds like Guy #2 was hinting that he did not expect you to be seeing someone else. If you are interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with him, I think you need to clarify this. In the UK, where I come from originally, we don't date more than one person at a time, generally speaking. So I can see his point of view, although I appreciate that dating more than one person at once is common practice in the US. So maybe my vision lacks a little objectivity!

All the best,
Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:17am

You do have a very good point about guy #1!!

And I wish it was that way here - that you don't date more than one person at a time - but unfortunately that is not the way our men see it - because I think that is the way women naturally tend to work. But we have to date a lot to find the guy who shows by his actions that he is that into us and wants exclusivity with us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:19am

I appreciate that.

Wherever we come from, we all need that one essential piece of dating equipment - the bell. DING DING.... NEXT!!!!!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:22am

Thanks, Moody, for the compliment. But I have to give credit to my son's science class. They are studying renewable and nonrenewable resources on our planet. It was just too good of an analogy to pass up!!

Although this morning we had a cramming session on the chemical elements. He waited til 9PM last night to tell me he had a science test - probably because we had his best friend over who is going to move away soon and they were having fun.

I had to come up with funny ways for him to remember them all. Ag is silver because your hair turns silver when you AGe. On and on - I hope he gets an A. We crammed last night and then again this morning I slipped into his room with the science book and started quizzing him again to wake him up. It is crazy what kids have to learn these days - I don't think we covered that stuff until we were in H.S. - certainly not in fifth grade.

He has a peanut allergy - so lead is Pb - I said lead is poisonous and so is peanut butter to you!! So he remembers that one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:23am

That is so funny and so true! And the one thing I love about Switzerland is the cow bells!! you have so many there. But that is the one thing we need. I will have to remember that for when we have a new poster here asking questions about what we need for dating.

I think the most essential thing is to get tough and realize it is not us it is them and we have to have the bell ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:31am

So true about what kids have to learn. Nine times out of ten I can't do my son's maths homework. He's eight years old! I tell myself that I cannot be both creative AND scientific. LOL.

Lucky we have Monkey at home to do the maths and science bits!

Clem xx