What to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
What to do??
28
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 7:31pm
Hi, I dated someone for around 7 weeks at the beginning of this summer. Then in a very mean way, he dumped me. Since we were friends before we went out, he still wants to be friends, which I agreed to. So far so good. The problem lies in the fact that he is eventually wanting to get back together. I don't know if I want that as I got my feelings really hurt when he dumped me. He said just tonight that he wants me to get to know him as friends and "see where things lead". But I don't know if I want that.....ever. On the other hand, there are a couple of more guys I know, that I like, but don't know how to get their attention. I'm not thin, but working on losing weight, and I'm definitely not pretty, also I am 24 years old, but everybody thinks im anywhere from 16 to 18 at the oldest. They have even argued with me and my sister about this, she's 16, they think we are twins. So, how do I get the attention of the other guys and especially the one I really want to go out with??? I am really confused about all of this. Also, I am a single mom to a two year old little boy as well as a full time student at the local jc. Can someone tell me how to attract the right kind of guys instead of always ending up with jerks??

Angela~

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:07pm
Angel,

Welcome to the board.

I can only hazard a guess at why you are attracting only, as you say, guys who want to hurt you. Even just on this board you are giving off a real lack of self-confidence or self-worth. You can't expect to meet a quality guy who's going to be interested in you if you think so little of yourself.

Now, you say you're not pretty and you're not thin. Maybe you're no supermodel. But ever hear that saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? I 100% believe that out there is a member of the opposite sex or two or three who thinks you are plenty good looking. Do you know what would subtract from that? Lack of confidence. You ask a man what qualities they like (besides the obvious physical ones) and confidence is tops on most men's lists.

So before you even start worrying about where to meet a guy, you need to build up your confidence. I can only imagine that your past relationships did a number on you and this is why you feel the way you do about yourself. Well, it's time to pull yourself up and snap out of it. If you don't, you will be alone forever or always with lousy men, that's just the reality of the situation. I was in a very scary abusive relationship when I was 19. I had no self-worth when I got away from him. I didn't even look at a guy for 6 months at least. And I had some crappy boyfriends after him who treated me poorly. But eventually, you get sick of it and you know the problem isn't with them, it's with you. So take it from someone who's been there, you have to fix the things within yourself first. Never mind about your looks.

I hope this won't come across as me preaching to you because I don't intend to but only to offer you honest answers to your questions. Please continue to post here and let us know how you're doing. You deserve better than to feel this way!

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:24pm
I can only imagine that your past relationships did a number on you and this is why you feel the way you do about yourself.>>>>>>>>>>

Try being stalked while dating one, then getting married only to get beat up over the stalking.

Well, it's time to pull yourself up and snap out of it.>>>>>>

The problem is, I don't know how.

I didn't even look at a guy for 6 months at least.>>>>>>

Try two years only to end up with a jerk who not only dumps you but lies to your friends about you as well. (same guy from original post).

So take it from someone who's been there, you have to fix the things within yourself first.>>>>

I can't do what I don't know how.

Please continue to post here and let us know how you're doing. You deserve better than to feel this way!>>>>>>>

Thanks, I will, right now I am getting over a stomach flu. Some fun!

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:00pm
I posted on the All About Me Game,I think is the name of the thread. I am number 14.

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 8:35pm
Bump~~~~~ Can anyone tell me how to get more self confidance or whatever it was that is supposed to help me??

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:48pm
Bump~~~~~ Can anyone tell me how to get more self confidance or whatever it was that is supposed to help me??

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:43am
Congratulations on the school and single mom success! I am a single mom of 2 boys and I am just now finishing my AA degree at 30 years old. I have been accused of looking too young sometimes too but I appreciate it now! You have alot on your plate as it is to be woried about the guys. I know it is great to have someone but you already have the best kind of unconditional love their is and that is your little one. You have to decide what your priorities are and it sounds like you are on the right track. You really need to focus on your positives and work on your self esteem. From there with all the other things you have on your plate it will all happen in its own time. I have had a struggle with my wieght for a long time and decided to finally do something about it. In the last month I have lost 20 pounds (and counting) and feel incredible.That alone has opened up many doors and I dont mean the weight loss it is simply in the positive way I feel about myself because I am doing something for me and it is wonderful. It comes through from the inside. As far as this friend dont let him be a thorn in your side. Sounds like he need to get his head on straight. I am sure you will find we all go through our share of jerks and you will just have to suffer like the rest of us have LOL. Keep your head up you are doing a good job!!! DES

Free Blinkies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:37am
Start by educating yourself on your own behavior and attitudes. Read, read, read...

10 Days to Better Self Esteem

The Feeling Good Book

Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting

All good books.

Then, learn about yourself, what you like, what your dreams are, what you want to do with your life and TAKE steps to BE who you want to be.

Then find positive, optimistic, overachieving friends to hang out with. Forget guys, a man is never going to "give" you self esteem. You have to have it in yourself, then some man will see it and respond to it if he's a good man.

A good Cognitive Therapy counselor could help, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:54am
I agree with this post - and thank revenoc for the list of books - I just ordered those.

You have to learn to look at the events in your life as positive instead of negative. All things in life happen for a reason.

I have found these books to be of a great help so that I may put seemingly very negative events in my life into perspective and see the positive and blessings they bring:

There Are No Accidents: Synchronicity and the Stories of Our Lives

by Robert H. Hopcke

Zen Miracles: Finding Peace in an Insane World

by Brenda Shoshanna

As an aside, I have read ALL of Brenda Shoshanna's books - they are quite enlightening regarind matters of the heart and relationships. She even hosts a board here on Ivillage.com

I know you are carrying a crazy schedule but know you can read just a few pages each day and pretty soon you will have read a lot.

Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 7:32pm
You have to learn to look at the events in your life as positive instead of negative. All things in life happen for a reason.>>>>>

I am sorry, but there is no way to put a positive spin on being first stalked with no recourse, and then beat up over the stalking.

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 7:34pm
have had a struggle with my wieght for a long time and decided to finally do something about it. In the last month I have lost 20 pounds (and counting) and feel incredible.>>>>

I hate struggling with my weight, how did u do this?? I would love to lose 20 pounds in a month, I am lucky to lose 4.

Angela~