What to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
What to do??
28
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 7:31pm
Hi, I dated someone for around 7 weeks at the beginning of this summer. Then in a very mean way, he dumped me. Since we were friends before we went out, he still wants to be friends, which I agreed to. So far so good. The problem lies in the fact that he is eventually wanting to get back together. I don't know if I want that as I got my feelings really hurt when he dumped me. He said just tonight that he wants me to get to know him as friends and "see where things lead". But I don't know if I want that.....ever. On the other hand, there are a couple of more guys I know, that I like, but don't know how to get their attention. I'm not thin, but working on losing weight, and I'm definitely not pretty, also I am 24 years old, but everybody thinks im anywhere from 16 to 18 at the oldest. They have even argued with me and my sister about this, she's 16, they think we are twins. So, how do I get the attention of the other guys and especially the one I really want to go out with??? I am really confused about all of this. Also, I am a single mom to a two year old little boy as well as a full time student at the local jc. Can someone tell me how to attract the right kind of guys instead of always ending up with jerks??

Angela~

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:00pm
OK, I ordered the 10 days to self esteem book off amazon, since I think from the sound of the title, that it is probably going to be the least vague. I hope it's good.

Angela~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 1:20am

Hi angelcharms,


Building healthy self-esteem is a process that can take a lot of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 8:45am
Maggie - WOW!!

This is the most unbelievable pep talk I have ever read. It is an inspiration to me. And I am so impressed with all that you have done to raise a talented daughter, lose weight, find a great husband and share stories on this board.

I think you should become the next DEAR ABBY!!

Thanks for sharing your story and tips. This is good for all of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:17am
If you learn from it, you can make it a positive, by figuring out how to not go there again. Or even just by overcoming it and having a good life, you have beaten it. Make the rest of your life YOUR life.

I was married to an emotionally abusive jerk for 19 years. You could look at yourself as at least not being in your situation that long. There's always an up side if you make one. Mine is, I got out of that marriage and I'm making it on my own and I'm happy now. I'm making my own decisions, I like myself, I'm getting an MA, working full time, taking karate, polishing up my Spanish. I love my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:53pm

Thanks, West.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:03pm
I sense that you carry around a lot of past pain and haven't gotten past any of it, yet.>>>

That's because the stalker guy keeps showing up and causing problems and the police won't do anything because he is in a public place. My ex husband is the only one leaving me alone.

Those past painful events are not reasons that you can't find happiness in your life now and in the future...You are AWAY from those men, right? >>>>>>

Yes and no, I am not in a relationship but still run into two of them.

It becomes easier to distance yourself from them on every level, when you realize that staying angry and even thinking about them is a waste of your energy; they are not worth it, and you have better things to do and focus on.>>>>>>

Whatever it has been in your life up until now that makes you feel so down on yourself, think about what it is, and "fight" it.>>>>>>>

I feel this way because I get treated like dirt even though I treat other people really good, and I get stomped on. I am sick of it.

When you give positive and loving "gifts" of yourself to others around you, that will come back to you tenfold, as well.>>>>>>>

I find this very difficult to believe because I do give positive and loving "gifts" to others around me and I'm still waiting.

I only want one nice guy to date me, I don't even get that, still have not figured out why. I do everything in my power to achieve this and it doesn't work. That is why I get so upset and depressed.



I am not angry, just dissappointed and a little depressed that I can't even get one nice guy to date me, and that I am almost 25, and have only dated three guys ever. The nice ones don't even come my way at all. Someone said it's about choosing the nice ones, but if you have a choice between A and B but A doesn't exist for you, how is that a choice??

Now, you are wiser and able to make better future choices for you and your baby.>>>>>

Like I said, not if that choice does not exist for me, and it doesn't.



You learn from the past relationships by choosing to not repeat patterns that got you there before (learning to identify men who use you or have abusive tendencies, for example).>>>>>>>

I did that and still landed a jerk.

Do they make me feel loved, highly valued and respected through all my dealings with them? Do they help improve my self-esteem & personal growth by their treatment of me, or do I feel lower self-esteem being with them? Do they honor my values? Does this person truly benefit me by being in my life, or cause me to struggle/feel bad/feel confused?>>>>

The problem is, that even the jerks seem to do this before they treat me like crap.


If you feel you've been stuck in a legacy of bad men and bad choices, you can turn it around. Become exactly the person you want to be, the kind of person you most look up to. Set your values and ideals high, and then gradually achieve them.>>>>>>

I did this too. I treat people the way I want to be treated, still doesn't work. I do act like the kind of person I want to date. STILL does NOT work.



Angela~

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 3:22pm

I am not angry, just dissappointed and a little depressed that I can't even get one nice guy to date me, and that I am almost 25, and have only dated three guys ever. .... That is because you are still uhappy with yourself. You ooze bitterness and disapointment. Even in these posts. I would stop looking at who is not dating you, and start looking at why I am so miserable. Regardless of what you think, you DO have a daily choice to either A) Continue wallowing in past disappointment and failure or B) Make a change in some way.


I would highly recomend therapy. Whether your insurance covers it or not. If you can't afford it, head to the nearest church and talk to someone there. There is always help to be had, if you want it and make the effort. You've received some wonderful, encouraging responses here from women just like you, who HAVE felt beaten down, disappointed and in the dumps. We all have to different degrees, but everyone's own pain is just as real to them as your's is to you.


I hope you CAN take some of the encouragement offered in these posts and use it for good in your life. Your kids need to see you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, be courageous and make a better life for all of you.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:08pm
Ok, IF you need to move away to get away from this guy, then DO IT! Don't tell me you CAN'T because it's a free country, you CAN if you want to.

I hear darkness and depression in your post. YOu may not think you're angry but you ARE...depression is just anger turned in on yourself. STOP IT...BE MAD AT THE RIGHT PEOPLE! It's not your fault, you're not the cause of the bad stuff, you were just the target. Figuring out how to not be a target is your only part of the story with them.

You can change the way you think, and change everything. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you can. Start telling yourself the truth. For example...

1) You're not ALWAYS attracting losers, you've attracted a couple and you're young and you can stil change your life.

2) The fact that you don't have that special someone in your life is not something only you have to deal with, LOTS of people don't have that special someone.

3) It's not true that nothing will ever change for you, because the truth is that CHANGE is the only thing you CAN count on. It's up to you whether it will be positive change or not.

4) There are lots of people who haven't date more than 3 people by the time they're 25. I know grad students who have the same story. AND single mom's who haven't dated anyone since theyre divorce, and 18 year olds who've never had a date. Not everyone is having a wonderful time in the relationship dept.

5) Only dating 3 is not necessarily bad if you are letting losers take advantage of you. I've dated about 20 men in the last 5 years and...ummm, lessee. One of them is nice, but damn, he's in Iraq now. I could be griping about how bad it is to find a nice one and then he's gone and "woe is me"...but I choose to think that I'm lucky to know him, and that there are probably lots of nice people out there I haven't met yet.

And LOTS of people, nice people, thin people, fat people, mean people don't have someone to date. If you sit in a mall (I did this, for reality therapy) and look at who is and isn't with a companion...it's pretty evenly distributed.

You can change YOU, and that's all. You can't make anyone else do or be anything else. But changing YOU is all you need to do to make your life a whole lot better.

You can do it. Say it once...just once...then say it again...and again till you start to believe it. "I can do it, I can..." You can.

Pages