What do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
What do you all think?
9
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 1:20pm

I've known this guy for several years. He is a single father and this holiday marks our first year as a couple. I attended his company's Xmas party with him recently and we stayed overnight at a hotel. He took me aside and told me he needed to tell me something important. He told me that he had another child that he had not told me about. This was an older child that he had with a woman he had been engaged to. Apparently the woman remarried, he used to pay child support but then the mother took the child and moved to another country. He said he doesn't know where they are. I told him he should look for his child. He said he thinks the best thing for him right now would be to concentrate on taking care of the child he has here in the states (from his ex-wife). He said that he had seen a picture of his first child with her mother and his child was now very fat and he felt that the child doesn't know him nor does he know the child. He said if the child looks him up one day he will acknowledge the child but at this point seeing as how he doesn't even know where the child lives he thinks it best to concentrate on taking care of the child he does know. I felt very uncomfortable about that.

Second situtation: I know this might sound materialistic and I've always known he was a bit thrifty but we decided to exchange our Xmas gifts earlier. I bought him a nice sweater from Nordstroms and a $50 gift card to his favorite place. He got me a $20 gift card to a book store and a book on tennis. I don't play tennis but he said this way I could learn about what he likes (he loves playign tennis). What do you all think of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 2:08pm
Those two things would make me say DUMPOLA immediately - especially the thing about the child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 3:13pm
I have to agree that you are right. His comments about his child, his lack of enthusiasm in seeking her dont' sit well with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 4:34pm
The thing is that he has had total abandonment and apathy. That is just plain bad and a flaw in character I would not want to date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 4:58pm

A couple (okay, several) things I don't like.
One is his obvious detachment, and total lack of concern for his child. Another is the fact that he mentioned the child's weight- is he saying if it were a thinner, more beautiful child, he'd try harder to be a parent, since they are the only children worthy of a parent's love? Another is the fact that he hid this child's entire existence from you. You've been dating him for a YEAR, and he only now decides to tell you about something as important as another person? What else is he hiding or not telling you about?
The whole hidden child issue is too much for me, I'd be screaming NEXT!!!, even if he were the best gift-giver in the world. In fact, I'm not sure the gift is really an issue at all, a lot of people aren't good gifters. If you do decide to stay with him, perhaps agree ahead of time on a spending limit, so you'll both be spending about the same amount of money.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:34pm
Sorry Hon, but I agree with pps. Hiding a child from you is a terribly huge lie. I agree that the whole 'the kid is fat' thing pisses me off, because that's not the kids fault. I think it's time to let the guy go and cut your losses.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 2:38pm

That is one HUGE story to keep to himself for an entire year. That topic should have been covered early in the relationship when you each disclosed how many children you have.

It all sounds a little fishy to me. He's either a liar who made up the kid entirely for whatever reason it is that makes people lie....or he's a liar because he didn't tell you for a whole year. A lie of ommission is still a lie.

I think you should stop seeing him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Wed, 12-20-2006 - 8:52pm
Actually we were friends for about 5 years. He didn't make up the child. It was definately a lie of ommission. I also don't like his remark that his child was fat because "you know how hispanic women overfeed their children". His mom seems to agree that he should take care the child that is here and forget about the other one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 9:13am
Yeah, I didn't like the fat remark either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:33am
I think it's ovious that we all think it's time to walk away or run. You deseve better. He sounds awful and you shouldn't accept so little for yourself. Do you want to be with a man who has the capacity to do such a thing? If he can detach from his own child that way what makes you think he won't do the same to you?! He sounds like a naricisus to boot. I think that you deserve a real man and you should leave him so you make a place for one in your life