What do you make of this?????
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What do you make of this?????
| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 12:12am |
Hi all,
I hope everyone is well. I have had a rollercoaster week. I've wanted to post before, but couldn't access the site for some reason.
Anyway--need help, please! Fellas feel free to put your 2 cents in on this one-I almost think it needs a man's perspective to help it make sense!
OK. I have been flirting with this guy at work and it seemed all the signals were there that he likes me. He comes around when he doesn't need to, he asks where I have been all day, goes out of his way to talk to me...So, I thought I would take alep and ask him out, since he wasn't asking me directly(I would talk about wanting to learn to ski and he would say I need an instructor and scoff at who i told him was going to teach me-a girl-or ask me when I want to go) So, he said he would think about it. Then later that day I went to talk to him and he said it was tempting, but he's not ready(he is also going through a divorce) I felt like a total idiot and I felt like crying, so i tried to avoid him the rest of the time he was in my area. Then, I went to talk to him, b/c I didn't want him to think I was being snippy or I wasn't interested anymore. He said he didn't turn me down(is he just wanting to wait a little longer?) and that he is afraid he will want to kiss me(doesn't he want to already?) He is also afraid of "getting attached and then getting burned" I can see that, I guess, I'm afraid of the same thing-but I still put my heart on the line with this guy everyday.
Anyway, we were talking a day or so later and he was telling me how much it cost him to get his jeep fixed and he was saying how if he'd had that money he could've paid off his motorcycle and he's trying to get all these little things tied up and out of the way. Then, he said(this is the one I really need translation on--mixed signals I think)"Let me put it this way. I'm trying to save money not spend it so that I can afford a house big enough for 5 kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!I'm standing there like"holy cow, did he just say that???!!!" I mean, he won't even go on a date with me and here he's talking about houses big enough for my family!(yes, I have 5 children and I doubt that was a number he just picked from the air unless that is how the male mind thinks-or he's incredibly cruel)
I told him that was mean. He gave me a look that shot right through me-a sincere look-and said it wasn't meant to be mean. Does he not realize that my deepest and sweetest fantasy is of the 2 of us standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes? Or sitting on the front porch swing watching the kids play? Probably not, but he definately knows I like him! Why would he say that if he wasn't totally interested? He also told me he has been asked out by a couple of women and he told his STBX about it and she was jealous, but he told her he wasn't interested in them, but there was this one girl(me) that he thinks is "cute as a button", but I have 5 kids and he was nervous b/c she always made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be a dad--she told him to go for it if he likes me.
What do I do? I am afraid I already messed this up b/c I wanted to get a reaction out of him and make sure he knows I am interested-so I told him some of my sexual fanatasies about him. It started out innocent enough and then he said he wanted details and I brushed him off, but he told me later he was still waiting, so I told him. I definitely got a reaction-the one I wanted. But I don't want to relate to him just in that way. I have felt like that was all I was useful to men for for most of my life-yes, including a good bit of my childhood. I can relate to him on other levels-intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I know this man-I may not always understand him, but I know his motives and what basically drives him(loyalty, honesty, hard-work, the outdoors, friendship...)How do I go back now and change the format? Can I?
I am trying to keep cool about this(and I am sorry this is so long)but I am head over heels for him. Just thinking about him wanting to kiss me makes me want to cry. I feel happy and sad all at once thinking about it. I think the sad comes from knowing how much he must be hurting over his divorce. It's so easy to forget that sometimes b/c he is always smiling and laughing.
So, input please. I need help here. Maybe I am not as ready for dating as I thought. I just don't know what I'm doing here.
Thanks, and All the Best,
Jean
I hope everyone is well. I have had a rollercoaster week. I've wanted to post before, but couldn't access the site for some reason.
Anyway--need help, please! Fellas feel free to put your 2 cents in on this one-I almost think it needs a man's perspective to help it make sense!
OK. I have been flirting with this guy at work and it seemed all the signals were there that he likes me. He comes around when he doesn't need to, he asks where I have been all day, goes out of his way to talk to me...So, I thought I would take alep and ask him out, since he wasn't asking me directly(I would talk about wanting to learn to ski and he would say I need an instructor and scoff at who i told him was going to teach me-a girl-or ask me when I want to go) So, he said he would think about it. Then later that day I went to talk to him and he said it was tempting, but he's not ready(he is also going through a divorce) I felt like a total idiot and I felt like crying, so i tried to avoid him the rest of the time he was in my area. Then, I went to talk to him, b/c I didn't want him to think I was being snippy or I wasn't interested anymore. He said he didn't turn me down(is he just wanting to wait a little longer?) and that he is afraid he will want to kiss me(doesn't he want to already?) He is also afraid of "getting attached and then getting burned" I can see that, I guess, I'm afraid of the same thing-but I still put my heart on the line with this guy everyday.
Anyway, we were talking a day or so later and he was telling me how much it cost him to get his jeep fixed and he was saying how if he'd had that money he could've paid off his motorcycle and he's trying to get all these little things tied up and out of the way. Then, he said(this is the one I really need translation on--mixed signals I think)"Let me put it this way. I'm trying to save money not spend it so that I can afford a house big enough for 5 kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!I'm standing there like"holy cow, did he just say that???!!!" I mean, he won't even go on a date with me and here he's talking about houses big enough for my family!(yes, I have 5 children and I doubt that was a number he just picked from the air unless that is how the male mind thinks-or he's incredibly cruel)
I told him that was mean. He gave me a look that shot right through me-a sincere look-and said it wasn't meant to be mean. Does he not realize that my deepest and sweetest fantasy is of the 2 of us standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes? Or sitting on the front porch swing watching the kids play? Probably not, but he definately knows I like him! Why would he say that if he wasn't totally interested? He also told me he has been asked out by a couple of women and he told his STBX about it and she was jealous, but he told her he wasn't interested in them, but there was this one girl(me) that he thinks is "cute as a button", but I have 5 kids and he was nervous b/c she always made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be a dad--she told him to go for it if he likes me.
What do I do? I am afraid I already messed this up b/c I wanted to get a reaction out of him and make sure he knows I am interested-so I told him some of my sexual fanatasies about him. It started out innocent enough and then he said he wanted details and I brushed him off, but he told me later he was still waiting, so I told him. I definitely got a reaction-the one I wanted. But I don't want to relate to him just in that way. I have felt like that was all I was useful to men for for most of my life-yes, including a good bit of my childhood. I can relate to him on other levels-intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I know this man-I may not always understand him, but I know his motives and what basically drives him(loyalty, honesty, hard-work, the outdoors, friendship...)How do I go back now and change the format? Can I?
I am trying to keep cool about this(and I am sorry this is so long)but I am head over heels for him. Just thinking about him wanting to kiss me makes me want to cry. I feel happy and sad all at once thinking about it. I think the sad comes from knowing how much he must be hurting over his divorce. It's so easy to forget that sometimes b/c he is always smiling and laughing.
So, input please. I need help here. Maybe I am not as ready for dating as I thought. I just don't know what I'm doing here.
Thanks, and All the Best,
Jean

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Hi Jean,
It sounds like this guy is interested in you, and you may well have some sparks. I don't think you can ruin things with a little sexual innuendo either. He should know that you are a sexual person and find him attractive in that way. That doesn't mean go and act out all your fantasies though,(yet) but I think it's okay for him to know you have them. MY first date was with a man who I met once, then we talked on the phone daily for hours for weeks before we went out. And believe me, we talked a lot of trash. And we did end up having sex on our first date (5 times!!!) and it was awesome and 10 months later we're still dating. Except, I have realized that he's not the man I want to spend my life with, just the first man who was really nice to be after my husband was such an a$$ for so long. I had thought he was "The One" because we clicked so strongly and the chemistry was just so...strong. The point being, don't think the first man who's nice to you will be the only man who will be nice to you. I don't know if that's what you're doing, but it was what I was doing.
Now, I work with a guy almost 20 years younger than me, gorgeous, tall (6'8") dark and handsome. Also happens to be smart, very clean cut...if only I were younger!! But anyway, we flirt all the time and it keeps things fun. Sometimes we can be quite crude..last night he described what he'd like to do with me, if I had all night, and walked away with a "ponder that"...I said "I'm pondering". Now I would never never let anything happen but it is fun to think about. I mean this guy is 6'8" and wears size 14 shoes!!
I guess I'm still pondering :)
Good luck Jean, I hope things work out. Take it slow. Be confident that you DESERVED to be treated well by all men and don't limit yourself to the first man who treats you well. He may well be The One for you, but he may not. I never really believed in rebounds but I see clearly now that mine was a rebound and unfortunately he is going to get hurt because it's just not there for me anymore, and I hate that because he is a Great guy who treats me like gold!
I have a friend who went through a divorce a couple years ago and she told me that I am in a good place right now, but the worst is yet to come. I don't know what that means. I wish she had expounded a bit and given me some clear warning rather than a vague idea that bad things are coming.
I should be thankful that he isn't rushing to get me into bed or something. I'm definitely not ready for that. I may not even be ready for a friendship of this type. I certainly didn't go out looking for it and for a couple of months I tried to fight it b/c it wasn't what I wanted.
I guess time will flow as it always does and I will just have to ride the tide. Thanks again.
All the Best,
Jean
Jean,
I don't mean to insult your friend but what kind of thing is that to say to someone- that the worst is yet to come? Talk about scaring the heck out of someone, after they have already gone through a divorce and become single mom to 5 kids? And its gonna get WORSE? It may have happened that way for your friend but I don't think it necessarily happens that way for everyone. Consider Jean, it's possible, just possible, that things are going to get really good in your life. Quirks and snags are a given, but you dont HAVE TO go through a bad time because of some post divorce punishment predestination.
That said, I agree with the ladies that you might end up having a good thing with this guy but it could be ruined by charging in too fast. THe fact that he is making conflicting statements ( he isnt ready to date but he is working on a big house for 5 kids) show that he is still grappling with an awful lot. That is too much to grapple with in the beginning of a relationship. When he has sorted through some of it, then he will be able to be a good companion.
Not an expert, but someone who cares,
Amy
Hi there,
I can explain what she means by "you are in a good place but the worst is yet to come" -
What she means by "in a good place" is that you are rid of a failed marriage that caused you pain and are now free of that problem.
What she means by "the worst is yet to come" is the spiritual, physical and emotional transition you are about to go through to:
1) find yourself again as an individual
2) figure out why your marriage went south and what you did to contribute to that so you won't repeat that mistake, hopefully
3) mourn the loss of a dream and expectations that you would grow old with your best friend; deal with huge pangs of pain when something you see reminds you of the pain you had in your marriage - this is bad around the holidays I think - but can be triggered at random
4) the struggles you will have as a single mom and dealing with an ex who is going through all of these same steps and for the kids and maybe even your family who are all doing the same thing
5) being single and dating again and the challenge of finding a new partner who will want a relationship and you and your children
Really, all in all, this is just a process. You have to learn to accept where you are in life and to see it as pain with a purpose and that you have it better than what many people on this planet have. And you have to learn to be happy with what you have. The grass always looks greener on the other side. I think this is a good time for you to develop yourself as a person and learn to live alone and be strong.
With regards to this guy and your feelings, I think you have to take a big chill. Which I know will be hard since you see him every day. But maybe now is a good time to develop a lasting friendship and not put pressure of a romantic relationship on things. Get to know him as a person. Be there for him for his every day life and stories. See if he will do the same for you. Show him your best side.
You never know what will happen - maybe it will all turn out the way you want in time. But don't push it now when he is not ready.
Cheers - keep us posted with your stories. We are all on the same road here. I am so glad you joined us!!
Thank you, First. I always try to summarize the process by saying that you cure one big big problem (the pain of a failed marriage and getting away from a spouse that doesn't love you) but it creates a THOUSAND more!!
I don't think anyone could comprehend that if they hadn't gone through it. Most married people avoid you and many are not sympathetic, my own sister included.
Very well said!!
I am looking forward to your answer to my QOTW - maybe you can even ask your counselor's opinion if you have time in the session and share with us - I always like reading what she has to say. (or is it a he?)
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