What do you make of this?????
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What do you make of this?????
| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 12:12am |
Hi all,
I hope everyone is well. I have had a rollercoaster week. I've wanted to post before, but couldn't access the site for some reason.
Anyway--need help, please! Fellas feel free to put your 2 cents in on this one-I almost think it needs a man's perspective to help it make sense!
OK. I have been flirting with this guy at work and it seemed all the signals were there that he likes me. He comes around when he doesn't need to, he asks where I have been all day, goes out of his way to talk to me...So, I thought I would take alep and ask him out, since he wasn't asking me directly(I would talk about wanting to learn to ski and he would say I need an instructor and scoff at who i told him was going to teach me-a girl-or ask me when I want to go) So, he said he would think about it. Then later that day I went to talk to him and he said it was tempting, but he's not ready(he is also going through a divorce) I felt like a total idiot and I felt like crying, so i tried to avoid him the rest of the time he was in my area. Then, I went to talk to him, b/c I didn't want him to think I was being snippy or I wasn't interested anymore. He said he didn't turn me down(is he just wanting to wait a little longer?) and that he is afraid he will want to kiss me(doesn't he want to already?) He is also afraid of "getting attached and then getting burned" I can see that, I guess, I'm afraid of the same thing-but I still put my heart on the line with this guy everyday.
Anyway, we were talking a day or so later and he was telling me how much it cost him to get his jeep fixed and he was saying how if he'd had that money he could've paid off his motorcycle and he's trying to get all these little things tied up and out of the way. Then, he said(this is the one I really need translation on--mixed signals I think)"Let me put it this way. I'm trying to save money not spend it so that I can afford a house big enough for 5 kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!I'm standing there like"holy cow, did he just say that???!!!" I mean, he won't even go on a date with me and here he's talking about houses big enough for my family!(yes, I have 5 children and I doubt that was a number he just picked from the air unless that is how the male mind thinks-or he's incredibly cruel)
I told him that was mean. He gave me a look that shot right through me-a sincere look-and said it wasn't meant to be mean. Does he not realize that my deepest and sweetest fantasy is of the 2 of us standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes? Or sitting on the front porch swing watching the kids play? Probably not, but he definately knows I like him! Why would he say that if he wasn't totally interested? He also told me he has been asked out by a couple of women and he told his STBX about it and she was jealous, but he told her he wasn't interested in them, but there was this one girl(me) that he thinks is "cute as a button", but I have 5 kids and he was nervous b/c she always made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be a dad--she told him to go for it if he likes me.
What do I do? I am afraid I already messed this up b/c I wanted to get a reaction out of him and make sure he knows I am interested-so I told him some of my sexual fanatasies about him. It started out innocent enough and then he said he wanted details and I brushed him off, but he told me later he was still waiting, so I told him. I definitely got a reaction-the one I wanted. But I don't want to relate to him just in that way. I have felt like that was all I was useful to men for for most of my life-yes, including a good bit of my childhood. I can relate to him on other levels-intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I know this man-I may not always understand him, but I know his motives and what basically drives him(loyalty, honesty, hard-work, the outdoors, friendship...)How do I go back now and change the format? Can I?
I am trying to keep cool about this(and I am sorry this is so long)but I am head over heels for him. Just thinking about him wanting to kiss me makes me want to cry. I feel happy and sad all at once thinking about it. I think the sad comes from knowing how much he must be hurting over his divorce. It's so easy to forget that sometimes b/c he is always smiling and laughing.
So, input please. I need help here. Maybe I am not as ready for dating as I thought. I just don't know what I'm doing here.
Thanks, and All the Best,
Jean
I hope everyone is well. I have had a rollercoaster week. I've wanted to post before, but couldn't access the site for some reason.
Anyway--need help, please! Fellas feel free to put your 2 cents in on this one-I almost think it needs a man's perspective to help it make sense!
OK. I have been flirting with this guy at work and it seemed all the signals were there that he likes me. He comes around when he doesn't need to, he asks where I have been all day, goes out of his way to talk to me...So, I thought I would take alep and ask him out, since he wasn't asking me directly(I would talk about wanting to learn to ski and he would say I need an instructor and scoff at who i told him was going to teach me-a girl-or ask me when I want to go) So, he said he would think about it. Then later that day I went to talk to him and he said it was tempting, but he's not ready(he is also going through a divorce) I felt like a total idiot and I felt like crying, so i tried to avoid him the rest of the time he was in my area. Then, I went to talk to him, b/c I didn't want him to think I was being snippy or I wasn't interested anymore. He said he didn't turn me down(is he just wanting to wait a little longer?) and that he is afraid he will want to kiss me(doesn't he want to already?) He is also afraid of "getting attached and then getting burned" I can see that, I guess, I'm afraid of the same thing-but I still put my heart on the line with this guy everyday.
Anyway, we were talking a day or so later and he was telling me how much it cost him to get his jeep fixed and he was saying how if he'd had that money he could've paid off his motorcycle and he's trying to get all these little things tied up and out of the way. Then, he said(this is the one I really need translation on--mixed signals I think)"Let me put it this way. I'm trying to save money not spend it so that I can afford a house big enough for 5 kids."
!!!!!!!!!!!I'm standing there like"holy cow, did he just say that???!!!" I mean, he won't even go on a date with me and here he's talking about houses big enough for my family!(yes, I have 5 children and I doubt that was a number he just picked from the air unless that is how the male mind thinks-or he's incredibly cruel)
I told him that was mean. He gave me a look that shot right through me-a sincere look-and said it wasn't meant to be mean. Does he not realize that my deepest and sweetest fantasy is of the 2 of us standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes? Or sitting on the front porch swing watching the kids play? Probably not, but he definately knows I like him! Why would he say that if he wasn't totally interested? He also told me he has been asked out by a couple of women and he told his STBX about it and she was jealous, but he told her he wasn't interested in them, but there was this one girl(me) that he thinks is "cute as a button", but I have 5 kids and he was nervous b/c she always made him feel like he wasn't good enough to be a dad--she told him to go for it if he likes me.
What do I do? I am afraid I already messed this up b/c I wanted to get a reaction out of him and make sure he knows I am interested-so I told him some of my sexual fanatasies about him. It started out innocent enough and then he said he wanted details and I brushed him off, but he told me later he was still waiting, so I told him. I definitely got a reaction-the one I wanted. But I don't want to relate to him just in that way. I have felt like that was all I was useful to men for for most of my life-yes, including a good bit of my childhood. I can relate to him on other levels-intellectually, spiritually, emotionally. I know this man-I may not always understand him, but I know his motives and what basically drives him(loyalty, honesty, hard-work, the outdoors, friendship...)How do I go back now and change the format? Can I?
I am trying to keep cool about this(and I am sorry this is so long)but I am head over heels for him. Just thinking about him wanting to kiss me makes me want to cry. I feel happy and sad all at once thinking about it. I think the sad comes from knowing how much he must be hurting over his divorce. It's so easy to forget that sometimes b/c he is always smiling and laughing.
So, input please. I need help here. Maybe I am not as ready for dating as I thought. I just don't know what I'm doing here.
Thanks, and All the Best,
Jean

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I just wanted to let you guys know that I called and made an appt. to see a counselor next week for myself and my oldest DD.
The catalyst for that was a conversation I had at work yesterday with some friends. They were saying how you have to find out who you are and be comfortable with that person before you can move on. I don't know how it came about, but one of the people said he believed I was hiding behind shame. I had the strangest reaction to it. I got all red in the face and I was aggravated b/c I knew he was right. I don't know where it comes from-or exactly when it started-but I know it's there.
So, I decided I would go to see someone just to talk and see if we can't pinpoint and resolve the problem. I hope it will go well. I also felt my DD needed someone to talk to. I believe she was exposed to some of the trash and filth my stbx looked at and I am concerned about the behaviors she is exibiting. I know those behaviors and what drives them-I had them myself at her age. Hopefully, with some counseling, we can keep her from going down the same road I have. If anyone has any tips on what to look out for in a counselor(things that are ggod and things that would require a change in therapists)let me know. I went to counseling when I was a teenager, but all I got was 15 minutes a week with her and I don't remember much of what was said or done(besides they put me on Prozac which lasted all of 5 weeks before my mom took me off of it--THANK GOODNESS!). Anyway, I made sure my DD has a female counselor(I don't trust men-there's a statement to explore, huh?) and I ended up with a female counselor too(though I think I would have preferred a male counselor-face your fears-right?)
Anyway, I really appreciate the responses. I will try to heed the advice.
All the Best,
Jean
I think that is great. I prefer male counselors for some reason too, there is something about men that I know they can be more straight forward. The women on this board are very straight forward, but a lot of women aren't. Flame me for being biased, but it's how I feel (not totally against women counselors though). In any case, you have to pick someone you are comfortable with, but you also need someone who is good.
This is a repost of what I told someone on the divorce board about finding a counselor:
I think it's common to see 2-3 counselors before you find one that is a good fit with you. What I did was go on my insurance website, they had a list of in-network therapists. I printed it out and started calling only the one's who had PhD's (they have more training) and I looked for one's that dealt with marriage/family issues (I was getting divorced, but marriage counselor has the best background for my issues, which were understanding what went wrong in my marriage and how to find a healthy relationship now). You might have to see someone a few times before you decide they are or are not for you.
One therapist once gave me this advice: if you feel good after the session then that is not the right therapist. What she meant is not that you should feel bad, but that at least you should feel sad, angry, feel *something* after your session. The reason is that you are in therapy to figure things out, and if it was *easy* you wouldn't need someone to help you through it. Often the answers/issues are inside us and we've buried them because we don't really want to face whatever it is, and when the therapist helps us to see it, we cry or get mad or feel bad. But what happens then is that one we have faced it, we can see the issue more clearly and it's not so scary any more. After we cry or get mad, a little while later we feel better, more at peace, stronger. So if all the counselor does is pump you up and make you feel good about yourself, then they aren't really helping you much. In my counseling sessions, I don't always leave feeling sad, but there are plenty of times (especially in the beginning) that I did. Now it is more dependant on what is going on that week as to whether I feel good or sad. Sometimes I go in and I've done something and my counselor says I handled it really well and I know he is right. Other times I am sitting there, like a couple weeks ago, and I don't even realize I'm feeling sad and he just says to me, "When in your life have you felt most loved" and I just start bawling my head off because I can't answer the question. We talked for a while and I realize that I am really ready to find a relationship where I feel loved by the other person (something I usually avoid as a way of protecting myself from being dissapointed or having someone I love abandon me). That is what a good therapist does. He/she asks the questions that help you see what the problem is, and then helps you figure out why it's a problem and what to do about it. It's hard work, and it's not always easy, but it is the best way to get a better understanding of yourself and your needs, and how to get what you want/need out of life and your relationships.
Here was another reply from that thread that you might find helpful: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=14725.3
My mom says that anyone in a serious relationship that could head toward marriage should be in counseling. A counselor can really help you see if you are picking a person who is a good match to you. Just some food for thought, you might need counseling now and then want to go back later. I talked to my therapist about the time I went to therapy when I was about 20. I don't think it did me nearly as much good as going now has done. My therapist said to think of therapy as helping you get through layers. When you are young, you might get through a fairly superficial layer. When you are older, you can get a little deeper, but at some point you will hit a wall and want to stop going to therapy. You'll live your life for a while, maybe years. Then some day you might be ready to go again and get through another layer. I guess how many layers you need to get through could depend on a lot of factors. My mom will probably never get through all hers. I think I am in a pretty good place and although I still have some work to do, I'm fairly emotionally healthy - much better off than I was a year ago :)
Just want to add something that a couselor said to me last year. He had a Ph.D and was free for me to see because I saw him at the college where I'm a student. Anyway, he told me that, in general, psychologists are better to see as counslors (that spelling just doesn't look right) than Ph.D's because psychologists are trained in counseling whereas Ph.ds are doctors who specialize in psychiatric MEDICINE.
Amy
My therapist is a PhD, but is not a psychiatrist. He is not an M.D. I agree with you that if you need therapy, a psychiatrist is not the best person (you would go to them if you need medication in addition to seeing someone, or have really severe emotional or mental disorders for sure). I prefer a PhD psychologist (not psychiatrist) because they have more training than an M.A. or an M.S., and more training means more experience and that has to be good. I completely agree with you that a psychologist would focus more on counseling, which is what the OP is looking for.
Here is a link I found:
http://depression.about.com/cs/psychotherapy/f/psychologist.htm
"The simplest way to describe the difference between them is that a psychologist primarily aids the depressed patient by counseling and psychotherapy. A psychiatrist may also perform psychotherapy; but, in addition, can prescribe medications and perform ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. A psychologist may hold a doctoral degree (Ph.D.) and be called "doctor"; but, is not a medical doctor (M.D.)."
I haven't read all the posts, only your first one. That is too weird that he talked to his STBX about you. That he told her that you are cute as a button and have 5 kids.
He is still attached to his STBX. He doesn't know what he wants. Sure, it's easy for him to throw out a glib comment like....I want a house that's big enough for 5 kids, but he won't even go out on a date with you. That is lame. He wants some kind of entertainment out of a flirting with you, but mixed signals only mean one thing........he's not interested.
If he was interested, his words and his actions would be saying the same thing. He would ask you out, not string you along. I'd look elsewhere if I were you.
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