What do you think of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
What do you think of this?
13
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 3:42pm

I am fairly sick of being asked out by guys who DO NOT want to pay for me meaning dinner or drinks or anything. So I have had a few new responses from my POF ad. I basically told one guy I was sick of paying half and it would be nice to go on a date with a guy who is gentleman enough to PAY. He said that seemed like I was a gold digger! ME A GOLD DIGGER? I can pay my half...that was not the point at all.


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 4:03pm
When I ask someone out ( ok havent done this lately but you know!!) I pay. When a guy asks me out I expect them to pay for something if not everything out of courtesy. I think old fashioned is not such a bad thing to be when you are doing the asking. And what you are asking is that someone take time out their busy life and join you and allow you the chance to get to know them better one on one. I dont give that opportunity to any Joe walking down the street so I dont think I am being ridiculous to consider it a privilege. I would be put off if I had a few dates who ASKED ME to go out and then expected us to go halfsies on everything. Buy me a drink at least to thank me for coming out and putting myself out there for you for goodness sake! I completely understand your frustration. Maybe with the online thing they feel like they havent gotten to know you enough so that they are sure it would be a privilege so to speak? So I might say look if that seems unreasonable to you to pay for dinner or treat me to a drink while we are out, maybe it is that you need more time to get to know me. Money is tight I suppose everywhere but then again I wouldnt accept a date from someone who I didnt know enough to really be curious/excited about. I think some of the problem might be that in this day and age ( there I go sounding ancient again!) people do go out on dates knowing NOTHING about each other except the basics and they have no way of knowing whether they are going to end up meeting the person they think is on the profile or some dumbed down version. As I told a gf once, you have all the time in the world to write that witty perfect profile and respond to messages but on the date we are in real time and it takes more to keep up with me!
I will be interested to see what everyone else has to say about this...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 4:44pm

I wonder if it could be a "symptom" that is prevalent with certain age groups? That maybe younger men might feel like going halfsies and older men are okay with footing the bill? I don't know, as I haven't dated around much lately. But the ones I've dated since being divorced- have all been good about paying when they did the asking. Both young and old.


I'm old-fashioned too- and I agree that the person who asks for the date, is the one who pays. Hiker pays for everything when we go out because he asks. If I ask him to something, I will pay. And on occasion, I will treat him to a meal even if he did the asking, just to show him how much I appreciate him. But in the big picture... he asks, he pays. And I'm not a gold digger!!!!! I'd be offended if someone called me that. I'd like to dig for my OWN gold, TYVM- and work for my own stuff. Not for someone else to hand it to me.


~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 8:29pm

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but I feel like the guy should pay for the first few dates. NOW, when *I'm* the one who suggests going out (which I don't start doing until after the 3rd date) I always offer to pay and consider it my turn to pick up the tab. But if the guy asks out, I consider it his tab to pick up.


I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! WTH? Where is the chivalry? Offering to pay your half is one thing, but to have to keep doing it? And on the first dates?? Like I said... perhaps I'm *too* old fashioned...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 9:23pm
I already posted but I just read yours and it made me react all over again. What's up with the fact that thinking chivalry shouldnt be dead makes us feel old fashioned or too old fashioned or gold diggers or some other horrible thing we dont need to be feeling? I mean gee thanks for making us feel OLD fashioned. Like how sexy is that exactly and wouldnt they prefer for us to be feeling warm and lively by the end of an evening instead of staid and questioning whether we are stuck in another era? Niiiiice. Also everyone seems to be in agreement that who asks is the key to this question but I have gotten a hard time even from other women when I have mentioned that I think guys should pay for the first few dates if they are the ones asking. I seriously think it is the internet dating thing where it isnt so much someone courting another person anymore but profiles being matched and two people going blindly to meet - but even then one of the people involved has intitiated contact and then has had to ask the other out, right? I kind of want to have the opinion "hey, dont ask me out if you arent willing to actually spend twenty dollars to be a gentleman and do it right" I mean we all have twenty dollars but it is the gesture and dates can cost nothing if you have half a brain. I have been on plenty of dates downtown just sightseeing, walking, enjoying parks, and grabbing an icecream. Should we be splitting the metro tickets, icecreams, waters, or cab fares too? If people are going to be stingy about this kind of stuff, I have to shout NEXT because life is too short for this kind of computation!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for eponine365
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 1:57am

Weird that you keep coming across men like that though. I don't think I've ever had an issue, but when I start dating someone I start to insist every once in a while. I don't have tons of money.. but on occasion I like to pay for some things. Like lunch, or coffee ya know? I don't ever want dating me to be some kind of financial burden.


I went to Walmart once with the ex.. we shall call him the dumper! lol and we were shopping separatly. When we got in line he snuck in a full pay for both of our stuff. Well, it felt kinda weird because there were two outfits in there for my girls.


Funny back story to go along with that.. the day of my divorce the ex took the girls and I to this restaurant and halfway through the meal I was like omg.. this is the exact table that the dumper, me and my girls sat at. I look up and I'm like damn they're wearing his outfits too! lol


Back on topic.. do you think it has anything to do with your status in life? Like if for example you tell someone you're an accountant or something, you got your masters lets say. Well, they would assume you're in a damn good place in life and can afford to split maybe? I don't know.. I mean I've always been more on the poor side lol. Maybe they get the check out of pity lol. Actually, thats the last damn thing I want.


KoH and I went out to play pool tonight. We drank diet cokes and water and had a blast. He paid, but he also let me know if advance after his move and divorce he was flat broke. I'm totally cool with that.. I think it was nice and honest of him, and that he took me somewhere that he could afford to treat me.


I dunno, I guess its the proper thing to do at first at least?

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:12am
I havent run into it THAT much but my gfs and I have talked about it a lot because between all of us it does happen and it is annoying and doesnt make much sense to any of us. Maybe it is annoying to us especially because we like the chivalry but would never take it for granted. I guess guys sometimes think if they pay in the beginning they are setting a habit and they wont ever have a situation where they get treated or just that the expectation will be too high...I think you might be right about the status thing. I have a pretty public career and maybe they think I am set but even that makes me laugh since I am in the arts. Being "set" in the arts doesnt exactly exist. And I do just fine for my kid and I financially but really to me it is more about the gesture and the chivalry about it. I like that your date took you somewhere he could manage. It shows he wanted to pay but was smart enough to do it in a way he can afford.
Your story sounded so funny. Dont we all have that happen and crack us up in public from time to time - it kinda makes me feel crazy or look nuts because I am the type of person that will just bust out laughing and offer no explanations if something hits me as random and funny...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 9:24am

I guess guys sometimes think if they pay in the beginning they are setting a habit and they wont ever have a situation where they get treated or just that the expectation will be too high


I agree with this statement. Perhaps they think if a precadent is set, the woman will never pay for a thing and the guy will always get stuck with the tab. My personal opinion, if it were a first date and the guy didn't pay? I'd take notice and it would be a strike against him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:52am
Maybe it all goes back to West's post on the research paper on sexuality. Even today, with all our supposed modernity, men look for younger, attractive women for the purpose of gaining sex. In return, women are looking for men who have a job, can afford to support them, in exchange for sex, though for women I think sex means also intimacy.
Perhaps when a guy insists on going Dutch all the time, somewhere in the back of the woman's mind it is perceived that she has been deemed not worth paying for. And that is a deal breaker. The guy is perceived as cheap. No one is attracted to cheap.
I have been getting really irritated with M on this very subject. Yes, I have a more stable financial situation- but it is through hard work and good money habits, I did not win the lottery or anything. Yet, he has always had the attitude that I should pay more for our time together. It's gotten to the point I am going to have to sit down and explain that this is not OK. I, like the OP, have not planned for a budget for dates. Until M, every guy I dated paid for everything, I volunteered to make dinner or pay my half of something like travel. I agree that it the one who does the asking that should expect to pay.
I guess it is that I did offer to pay for our last date and his initial reaction was literally "about time". Excuse me? He went into this whole thing about how since I have the larger net worth I should pay more. I said, well sorry, but paying for dates is all part of being a man. The tradition may not seem fair, but it is what it is. His reaction was that this is the 21st century. Well, yes it is, but when men stop valuing looks over everything else perhaps women will not see being expected to pay as the guy being cheap.
QB, if I wanted a gigolo I'd get a younger guy in fabulous shape (the role reversal has to be complete)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:08am

His reaction was that this is the 21st century. Well, yes it is, but when men stop valuing looks over everything else perhaps women will not see being expected to pay as the guy being cheap.


I totally loved your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 12:07pm

Maybe part of it is the fact that I am a RN so they automatically think I am better off than I truly am! I do not get into my personal finances with guys right off the bat or ever really nor do I want to explain that a HUGE portion of my income goes to the care of my DS who is disabled and my DD who is also special needs.

Pages