What do you think? Advice PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
What do you think? Advice PLEASE
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 11:16pm

Hi All,

Well....I'm a single mom who has dated on and off and has recently met someone that I like....now here's the problem....

First of all, we work together.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:33am

So I am at a loss why are you even considering a relationship with a man who you have said has "major issues?"

I don't believe moving slow or fast makes a difference with anyone who has trust issues. The issue remains regardless until you and/or he does some personal work. Why would there be trust issues for him? If you cannot trust your father then who can you trust?

I believe that relationships are doomed if you operate from fear. If you are afraid of getting hurt then what a way to approach and start a relationship? I believe living from fear rather than from your heart makes what you fear a self fulfilling prophecy.

Take care,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 10:31am
Of course he has issues--that's one of the most horrible experiences you could ever imagine. I wonder if he's been having therapy for this. My 2nd DH had a lot of issues and I didn't realize how much it would affect his life. I mean, when I met him he was over 40 and those childhood issues were still affecting him--his father physically abused him, his uncle molested him, he had an affair w/ a high school teacher, etc. He had been in therapy but still had never resolved these things. Like if we had an argument, he'd start w/ "well, my father said I was an F--- up." Yeah, by that time, his father had been dead for 20 years, so why hang onto that? I always did wonder though (and never got the answer, because maybe there is none) why some people who go through terrible childhoods survive & come out to be healthy adults, and some never get over it. As of now, I think I'd avoid someone who had big "issues" and would much prefer someone who had a relatively normal childhood.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 10:16pm

Thanks MusicL for responding.

However, I think that to some degree, when you reach a certain age, everyone has issues of some sort....everyone has 'baggage', esp. if they've been married before or gone through a life changing ordeal.

I don't know to what degree his mother's murder has affected him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 3:02am

" We talked about it briefly, and he admitted that he is single b/c of this....that he has major trust issues."

That doesn't sound like someone that is looking for a relationship.

" Can you judge someone on a 'normal childhold' vs abnormal...and who say's what 'normal' constitutes anyway?!?"

Most people have some issues/ baggage, mom didn't do this and dad did that... but MOST people don't watch their father beat their mother to death.

"It doesn't make someone unworthy of a relationship or love..."

He's not unworthy of anything... but will he be able to reciprocate? Saying you have trust issues too isn't quite the same- he lost someone he loved TO someone he loved. You're scared of loving "the wrong man", yet you keep trying to love emotionally unavailable men. Perhaps that's the pattern you need to break?



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 9:54am

Here's the hard part...FINDING someone without issues!

My mom had a horrific childhood and wound up being the greatest mom ever. Her issues affected her to some degree, but she has lots of friends and has made a good life for herself.

I dated a man who was adopted, had a really good upbringing in a really good town, wanted for nothing, parents adored him, yet his issues were extreme...no one or nothing was good enough and he felt very flawed because he had been adopted. Blamed the whole world for his problems.

I think the key is, if someone has issues, that they are sincerely working on them and trying to learn and become a better person. In that case, I think you CAN try to have a relationship, but if the person refuses to do the work I don't think it's worth the effort.