What do you think? (Guys answer too!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
What do you think? (Guys answer too!)
32
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:37pm

OK - so after a horrific three month experience with Mr. "Divorced really means separated and sending my entire paycheck to my wife living in another house while I sleep on the couch in my mother's basement and oh, by the way, I just don't think sex is that big a deal and don't understand why you want it once a week" (sigh - takes breath), I recover to head back to an OLD I've used in the past but never met anyone through (by the way, Mr. "Loser"? NOT OLD - met him in real life). Within the first week, I've gotten a couple responses, but nothing significant, and then this guy sends me a message...and we start to talk.

So...we converse for about a week through the site while he's on a business trip, then when he comes back, we start communicating through regular email - and finally move to phone early this week. Nice guy, good job, single (made sure of that LOL), responsible, and friendly. Didn't really ASK a lot about me, but talked a lot about himself and other subjects - easy to have a conversation with. We made plans to go out this Sunday past.

The only "red flag" I saw was that he seemed to turn every comment I made into some kind of sexual inuendo (for instance, we were on the phone, and I was drinking water that went down the wrong pipe - I apologized and said I thought I was choking. His response? "Oh, what's in your mouth that YOU'RE choking?"). The thing was, he was able and willing to have interactive, non-sexual conversations, and in reality, most of the men my age are pretty quick to hop into bed anyway, so I let it slide (and yes, he would have said something about that).

Before we met on Sunday, he answered all my emails daily - we'd email each other 3-4 time a day, spend an hour or two on the phone, and text constantly. Obviously, sometimes one or both of us were busy and couldn't talk/text/email, but it didn't take long for us to respond.

We met on Sunday, had a nice lunch, an hour long conversation, and then went for a 2 hour ride on his motorcycle. Good time, great weather, and we had fun. On the way back, I asked if he wanted to go to the park, and he said "sure, I have a little time" (thought THAT was weird since it was only 6:30 in the evening).

OK - so we go to the park, then we go back to the diner where we met. Talk for a few minutes, and we make tentative plans for me to go up to HIM this week. Gives me a kiss, and we go our separate ways.

Sunday night, I sent a brief email. Thanks for a good time, hope to see you again, etc. He responded Monday morning - I had a good time too, let me know when you can come up, and I'll try to make sure I'm clear on my end. Ok. Last night I send him a text or two, which he answers, and then I send one that goes unanswered. I responded to his email from yesterday morning, and that has also gone unanswered.

I wouldn't normally be concerned about not hearing from him all day, because people aren't always attached to their computers/cell phones/etc. during the day - but the previous two weeks had been constant emails/texts/etc., so the CHANGE is rather unusual.

So - do I wait? Do I chalk it up to "he's just not that into you?" Do I go with my instinct (which tends to be rather pessimistic, given my track record) of "after the first date, he didn't like me and doesn't have the guts to just tell me, so he's just going to ignore me and hope I don't contact him?" Do I send him a message/text today or tomorrow, just to see if he responds.

God, I hate this!

HELP!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:57pm

Remember the "three day rule".... give him time to respond and take your time responding back... I think the initial quick responses was because you hadn't met yet and he's making sure you don't move on to another online contact... but now that you've met in real life... I say the "three day rule" applies... Like for example, I don't think you need to send an email the same day to say thank you. You can wait 3 days. If you get an email, you don't have to response the same day... try waiting atleast 24 hours to 72 hours...

Also, since you are online... keep sending out winks/flirts or email to new prospects... don't put all your eggs in one basket/guy who you met only once... next weekend you should be out with a new contact from online ... Then you won't be worried or wondering if/when motorcycle guy contacts you. You'll have to pencil him in and if he's interested, he'll make sure he doesn't get overlooked...

I hear ya... waiting can be the hardest part... but that's what ya have to do. Sounds like you two had a great time... stop worrying...

Hugs,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:07pm

You know what, though? I SHOULD be out with another guy - but to be honest, I don't seem to get the dates most women get. I have a very limited profile (I don't ramble on) and lots of pictures, and lots of flirts in both directions, but some of the women on here seem to get 3-4 dates a weekend, where I get 3-4 a year. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong...hmm...

So what you're saying is I should wait? And not contact him again? Or wait 24-72 hours and then send another email?

All of this, of course, has NOTHING to do with exploring other prospects - which I am doing, believe me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:21pm

I would stop communicating and allow him time to come forward and show you he is that into you. Sometimes they waiver in the beginning and need time to do that. If you are always prodding you won't know what he really wants.

As for his comment - let me know when you can come up.... I would say - I am flexible and can make time - when you want to do something let me know. Always throw the "let me know when you want to see me" ball back into their court.

Normally I would say "let me know when you want to come and see me" is sort of a copout - that he should be wanting to come and see you - but then you did mention you both agreed you would see him - not sure how far that is.

I would hold back a bit and try to find others to date - just so you don't try too hard in the beginning with this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:58pm

MamaRose, please be more careful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 4:11pm

Love the orange and apple analogy. It's a great way to look at it!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:59am

If you check out the Online Dating board they have these "rules of engagement" which you may benefit from. One of them is not to do too much email/ichat/phone before meeting in person. So the constant, multiple times a day email thing before meeting sets up a situation like you are in now post-first date.

Also another "rule" is to keep the first date short. It is very tempting to go on 4-8 hour first dates if you hit it off and have chemistry but it seems not to work out too well if that happens from a LOT of other women's experiences.

So, rule-of-thumb: if he's into you, you will hear from him. Regardless, don't hang your expectations and hopes on one guy especially after the first date.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:05am

I agree wholeheartedly with this advice and also with Soonee's to meet somewhere neutral in public.

These three tips (meet soon without a lot of phone/im/email, keep the first date short, meet in public) are the essence of success for OLD, in my opinion.

Although we are looking for romance and a long term relationship, I like to think of OLD like a job search. Don't do anything freaky, especially in the beginning. Keep it short and simple - you can never go wrong with that.

I also like to really examine their initial response - is their first email personable? Meaning did they take the time to read my profile and do they say *something* about it? Are they warm and positive and without drama stories on the phone? Do they want to do something for the first date that is mutually beneficial or slanted towards making me feel comfortable as the woman? These three things are HUGE!!!!!!

A guy that wants you to drive to him, who wants a lengthy dinner date for the first meeting (especially when you say coffee is best) or who blabs all about himself is just not a good one in my experience. Never to mention of course the one who wants to explain his bad marriage, multiple divorces and or relationship trainwrecks on the phone.

I think OLD is a great way to meet a lot of people. It is up to us to pick and choose the right people. We have to remember that sorrow and loneliness drive many to use those sites and while these might be good people you have to watch for the signs that they may not be in a good place in their lives for dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:33am

OK - so let me explain here - because I'm not adept at this "He's just not into you" thing - so before I waste time, I wanted to clarify whether my thoughts were valid or just excuses.

First of all, thank you for your concern about my safety, but please understand that I never take any chances - ever. I am a fairly good judge of character, based on incidents that took place (when we were sitting in the diner, he had pictures he had taken of a baseball game - every single server in the diner had to come over and look at them - had I disappeared, it was unlikely he'd get away), and my methods of judgement, I knew I was safe on the motorcycle. But I do understand your point, and yes, I always meet my dates, and usually have the ENTIRE date, in public places.

Second, understand I'm not PINING over the fact that this guy hasn't called. I'm just curious - and unsure of what to do. Instinct says just let it go - if he wants to get a hold of you, he will.

But then my insecurities kick in - and they start creating excuses. Maybe HE'S wondering why I don't email HIM - maybe he's concerned bc he hasn't heard from me andd doesn't know what to do. Maybe he's (insert random excuse here). And I don't know if I should send him a "hey, hope all is well" email, or if I should just let it go (keeping in mind that the last contact, both via email and text, was from me to him).

I do find the "don't email too much before you meet" thing kind of interesting, too.

Any thoughts?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 10:51am

I think your losing too much thought into this. Just move on and pick someone else. This guy is a MAJOR loser in my eyes anyway. He would have gotten a KICK in the ARSE the second he made a sexual innuendo towards me. Second kick in the ARSE is a guy that talks only about himself. I am reading this AWESOME book from Dr. PHil and if I had KNOWN what I know now, I would have NEVER dated the last 3 guys! NEVER! Total insight on keys of behaviour to watch for. I am going to start highlighting a few things, but I encourage everyone to read it. And I noted MANY mistakes of my own that I've made. Including pushing someone away that I know absolutely loves and adores me and making lame excuses about him, because I'm too afraid to commit to this person out of fear of being hurt. The book explains EVERYTHING. Very cool. And it is giving me a LOT to think about. Especially, since I came to work this morning and I had a card on my desk that made me laugh and inside it read:
Catherine -
I will never stop trying to bring a smile to your face... everyday!

He sends me a card every week for months. Now that is someone that is INTO you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:03am

If your last contact was from YOU to HIM then I say let it go... the ball is in his court. You do not need to send a "hope all is well email".

However, I did find this cool email online (and I've used it before but mind you I still didn't get a response). On the off and unlikely chance that he has a legitimate excuse and only after say TWO weeks of no contact. But I'm sure most people here would say don't even bother....

To: ‘Brian’
Date: Monday, April 11, 2005 4:48 PM
Subject: multiple choice

Please complete the questionnaire by indicating your answer below. Then simply hit the send button. Thank you.

I’ve gone dark because:
a) It’s not you, it’s me.
b) I was waiting for you to call.
c) I’ve been struck by terrible calamity, from which I hope to emerge soon, and will call you eventually.
d) You wouldn’t sign the credit-report authorization.
e) All or none of the above.

Hope you’re well.

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