What do you think? (Guys answer too!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
What do you think? (Guys answer too!)
32
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:37pm

OK - so after a horrific three month experience with Mr. "Divorced really means separated and sending my entire paycheck to my wife living in another house while I sleep on the couch in my mother's basement and oh, by the way, I just don't think sex is that big a deal and don't understand why you want it once a week" (sigh - takes breath), I recover to head back to an OLD I've used in the past but never met anyone through (by the way, Mr. "Loser"? NOT OLD - met him in real life). Within the first week, I've gotten a couple responses, but nothing significant, and then this guy sends me a message...and we start to talk.

So...we converse for about a week through the site while he's on a business trip, then when he comes back, we start communicating through regular email - and finally move to phone early this week. Nice guy, good job, single (made sure of that LOL), responsible, and friendly. Didn't really ASK a lot about me, but talked a lot about himself and other subjects - easy to have a conversation with. We made plans to go out this Sunday past.

The only "red flag" I saw was that he seemed to turn every comment I made into some kind of sexual inuendo (for instance, we were on the phone, and I was drinking water that went down the wrong pipe - I apologized and said I thought I was choking. His response? "Oh, what's in your mouth that YOU'RE choking?"). The thing was, he was able and willing to have interactive, non-sexual conversations, and in reality, most of the men my age are pretty quick to hop into bed anyway, so I let it slide (and yes, he would have said something about that).

Before we met on Sunday, he answered all my emails daily - we'd email each other 3-4 time a day, spend an hour or two on the phone, and text constantly. Obviously, sometimes one or both of us were busy and couldn't talk/text/email, but it didn't take long for us to respond.

We met on Sunday, had a nice lunch, an hour long conversation, and then went for a 2 hour ride on his motorcycle. Good time, great weather, and we had fun. On the way back, I asked if he wanted to go to the park, and he said "sure, I have a little time" (thought THAT was weird since it was only 6:30 in the evening).

OK - so we go to the park, then we go back to the diner where we met. Talk for a few minutes, and we make tentative plans for me to go up to HIM this week. Gives me a kiss, and we go our separate ways.

Sunday night, I sent a brief email. Thanks for a good time, hope to see you again, etc. He responded Monday morning - I had a good time too, let me know when you can come up, and I'll try to make sure I'm clear on my end. Ok. Last night I send him a text or two, which he answers, and then I send one that goes unanswered. I responded to his email from yesterday morning, and that has also gone unanswered.

I wouldn't normally be concerned about not hearing from him all day, because people aren't always attached to their computers/cell phones/etc. during the day - but the previous two weeks had been constant emails/texts/etc., so the CHANGE is rather unusual.

So - do I wait? Do I chalk it up to "he's just not that into you?" Do I go with my instinct (which tends to be rather pessimistic, given my track record) of "after the first date, he didn't like me and doesn't have the guts to just tell me, so he's just going to ignore me and hope I don't contact him?" Do I send him a message/text today or tomorrow, just to see if he responds.

God, I hate this!

HELP!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:29am
You are simply LOONY!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 11:58am
LMAO!! I love it, hehehe.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:04pm
And you love me anyway...lol...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:46pm

I am reading this AWESOME book from Dr. PHil and if I had KNOWN what I know now, I would have NEVER dated the last 3 guys! NEVER! Total insight on keys of behaviour to watch for.


Which book?


Sooneee, (aka Hermione)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 12:52pm

Love Smart: Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got (Paperback)
by Dr. Phil McGraw (Author)

Not everything is perfect in it, but it does give you something to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 1:22pm
I can only imagine it is very good - if you would be so kind we would love a book report on a few of the key points as you have time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 12:00am

I've read that one- and I recommend it highly!

Alot of it also starts out with you fixing yourself (as in healing yourself from your past relationships) before you ever start looking for a partner.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:03am

Since you invited "guys" to post also, I'm doing so.

I am curious about what happened. I tried to follow this time line and it seemed that this thread was posted within about 24 hours of your last communication with him. Did he ever call back?

I figured there were a lot of reasons that he hadn't called you as soon as he had been doing, but wondered what actually happened.

Michael (who is an old hand here, but not posting recently)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:39am

Nope - not a word - and I am quite "over it" as it were.

Here's my position on this whole thing - I've heard the responses other people have been given to their questions (as well as those given to me) - "you're not a couple - you just went out on one date - there's no obligation - blah blah blah" - and I find it to be bunk.

Maybe it's my age - but I wasn't raised to treat people this way.

Maybe it's the technological age - we didn't have emails, cell phones, or text messages - which I think greatly reduced the geographical distance we travelled for dates. Meaning we dated more in our "own backyard" - and if we decided to blow someone off by ignoring them, or dating them once and never calling them, eventually, we had to account for it - we all had the same friends/acquaintances, and in some cases, he/she showed up at your front door - and made you look like a fool.

I never ended a relationship - or didn't go on a second date - where I didn't let the person know - by phone or face to face - that I wasn't interested. Relationships sometimes got the "Dear John" letter - but there was a lot of thought put into that letter.

This kind of behavior, whether you call it "ghosting" or just disappearing, is childish - I haven't exhibited it since I was 10. Even though the technological age might be responsible for causing it, it's also there to SOLVE it. A text, an email - "sorry, I just didn't think we were a good match, but I wish you luck in your search" brings with it NO repercussions and makes you look better.

"Flirts" and "winks" are one thing - if I wink at you, and you don't wink back, I'm assuming you're not interested. But once actual contact has been made, once you've got my phone number, once you've PUT YOUR TONGUE IN MY MOUTH, yes, you ARE obligated, if you're no longer interested, to let me know that. I realize not everyone lives up to that obligation - I'm not naive, and I know that because people should do things doesn't mean they DO, but that doesn't negate the obligation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 10:51am

Never having dated men, I don't have anything to which I could compare your experience. However, of all the replies from women, I was suprised that none of them mentioned anything on your comment that, "he seemed to turn every comment I made into some kind of sexual inuendo. . . "

To me, this indicates his primary interest in you. Since everything is guessing now, maybe I'm wrong. Since none of the female responders to your post said anything, it could be that it's common for men to talk like that and actually be interested in developing a relationship that doesn't circle around sex.

But, it's all moot now. I do agree that some sort of letter or text saying, "I'm sorry, but I just don't want to pursue this relationship," should have been sent. Although, it wouldn't surprise me if he contacted you later on in some way. Not saying that he will, but in reading these boards, I've seen that happen often enough.