What do you think? (Guys answer too!)
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| Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:37pm |
OK - so after a horrific three month experience with Mr. "Divorced really means separated and sending my entire paycheck to my wife living in another house while I sleep on the couch in my mother's basement and oh, by the way, I just don't think sex is that big a deal and don't understand why you want it once a week" (sigh - takes breath), I recover to head back to an OLD I've used in the past but never met anyone through (by the way, Mr. "Loser"? NOT OLD - met him in real life). Within the first week, I've gotten a couple responses, but nothing significant, and then this guy sends me a message...and we start to talk.
So...we converse for about a week through the site while he's on a business trip, then when he comes back, we start communicating through regular email - and finally move to phone early this week. Nice guy, good job, single (made sure of that LOL), responsible, and friendly. Didn't really ASK a lot about me, but talked a lot about himself and other subjects - easy to have a conversation with. We made plans to go out this Sunday past.
The only "red flag" I saw was that he seemed to turn every comment I made into some kind of sexual inuendo (for instance, we were on the phone, and I was drinking water that went down the wrong pipe - I apologized and said I thought I was choking. His response? "Oh, what's in your mouth that YOU'RE choking?"). The thing was, he was able and willing to have interactive, non-sexual conversations, and in reality, most of the men my age are pretty quick to hop into bed anyway, so I let it slide (and yes, he would have said something about that).
Before we met on Sunday, he answered all my emails daily - we'd email each other 3-4 time a day, spend an hour or two on the phone, and text constantly. Obviously, sometimes one or both of us were busy and couldn't talk/text/email, but it didn't take long for us to respond.
We met on Sunday, had a nice lunch, an hour long conversation, and then went for a 2 hour ride on his motorcycle. Good time, great weather, and we had fun. On the way back, I asked if he wanted to go to the park, and he said "sure, I have a little time" (thought THAT was weird since it was only 6:30 in the evening).
OK - so we go to the park, then we go back to the diner where we met. Talk for a few minutes, and we make tentative plans for me to go up to HIM this week. Gives me a kiss, and we go our separate ways.
Sunday night, I sent a brief email. Thanks for a good time, hope to see you again, etc. He responded Monday morning - I had a good time too, let me know when you can come up, and I'll try to make sure I'm clear on my end. Ok. Last night I send him a text or two, which he answers, and then I send one that goes unanswered. I responded to his email from yesterday morning, and that has also gone unanswered.
I wouldn't normally be concerned about not hearing from him all day, because people aren't always attached to their computers/cell phones/etc. during the day - but the previous two weeks had been constant emails/texts/etc., so the CHANGE is rather unusual.
So - do I wait? Do I chalk it up to "he's just not that into you?" Do I go with my instinct (which tends to be rather pessimistic, given my track record) of "after the first date, he didn't like me and doesn't have the guts to just tell me, so he's just going to ignore me and hope I don't contact him?" Do I send him a message/text today or tomorrow, just to see if he responds.
God, I hate this!
HELP!

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I was surprised that none of them mentioned anything on your comment that, "he seemed to turn every comment I made into some kind of sexual innuendo. . . "
Soonee,
Your points are well taken.
I wasn't really hurting - I'm more disgusted. I don't really CARE that he didn't want a second date after the first. Did I like him? Sure! Would a relationship have worked between us? Who the hell knows? I would have gone out with him again had he asked, but not having asked is not a big deal. I had no real emotional investment.
I don't EXPECT people NOT to "ghost." I know they do. I'm simply ranting on the degeneration of society that we, as people, tell ourselves "oh, well, that's what people do." I refuse to do that - I accept it, of course, because I have no choice - but I don't accept that it's ACCEPTABLE - if that makes any sense. I think it's rude - plain and simple. And as you can probably guess by my tone, nothing irks me so much as rude.
As to his "wanting me only for sex," oh well - he didn't try...would he have gotten it if he'd tried? No - but the makeup of our date (public place, meal, park, etc.) did not leave the door open for him to try - and I gave him ample opportunity to suggest plans on his own...so it's not like he tried and was rejected. It's more like he didn't like what he saw, and didn't want to try.
The only thing I find that you said that I disagree with (and please, everyone, feel free to comment) is the "making sure you have a healthy solid relationship before you allow his tongue in your mouth." How long does it take to make sure you have a healthy, solid relationship - in my world, many, many dates - over many different time periods (daytime, evening, etc.) - and over a significant period of time...weeks at least, if not months. There are few men that are going to "hold off" on French kissing for more than a few dates - if that - hell, I just asked my 18 year old son, and he told me there are few TEENAGERS that hold off on French kissing for more than 3-4 dates.
My comment "once you've put your tongue in my mouth" was really tongue in cheek (or in mouth LOL) - meaning that if you like me enough to want to kiss me (and come on, if you don't like me, you're not going to want to kiss me - you may not want to do anything MORE than that, but please...), you at least should show the common decency of telling me you're not interested. You don't ghost on jobs - most of these men (and women) would never THINK to start a new job and then just "not show up" because it wasn't for them...that's for kids...I don't think it's unreasonable to WANT decent human behavior from people in their 40's.
Two things for the record:
1. Most of these people would be APPALLED if their children showed some of the behavior they showed.
2. I was "ghosted" by a fiance - who was living in my house - and had given me a ring - AND had moved 2100 miles to be with me - AFTER we started house hunting and planning our wedding. And allow me to be crude in saying way more than his tongue had been in my mouth.
So it's not "how long" - it's the person themselves - if they are the sort of person that can live with themselves KNOWING someone is wondering what happened to them, they will ghost.
>>You don't ghost on jobs - most of these men (and women) would never THINK to start a new job and then just "not show up" because it wasn't for them...<<
I hear what you are saying... but how about this... If you go on a job INTERVIEW, there is a good chance that you will simply NOT hear back from the employer if they DON'T want to hire you. Remember the ole saying "don't call us, we'll call you." This happens all the time! I think a first date (kiss or no kiss) is NOT a commitment of any kind and does not require a follow up call. Most people take a follow up call as a sign of interest anyway (even if you called to say "no thanks"). Is it the denegration of society... perhaps.
IMHO, Don't put pressure on a first date.
Loonybunny
I'm not putting pressure on a first date, Loony - if anything, I'm putting pressure on people in general to behave as decent human beings.
I'll use another example as well as your "job interview" - that of an audition. You're right - I don't expect to hear from an interview if I didn't get the job - but I know that going in - and if the potential employer says "I'll call you either way" I DO expect to hear one way or the other - it's a matter of keeping your word and behaving with integrity.
When I go on an audition, I am told upfront whether or not I will hear if I DON'T get cast. Usually, I'm told "only those being cast will be called" or "if you're cast, you'll get a call, if not, you'll get an email." Yes, I wait by the phone for 2-3 days, but when that goes by, and I hear nothing, I don't wonder why - because the director didn't say he/she would call. If, when I'm at the audition, the director says "we will call you either way," then YES - I do believe they're OBLIGATED to keep their word.
A first date in and of itself is not an obligation to anything - not to a second date, not to a follow up call - it's just that - a first date. It does not, however, excuse rude and/or inconsiderate behavior. If the first date ended with "well, if either one of us is interested in getting together again, we'll call" that would be fine - but when it ends with "I'll call you" or "let's get together thursday" or even worse, you get an email the next day THANKING you for the date and asking when you can get together during the week, yes, I believe you ARE obligated - as a hunman being - to stick by your word and not be a coward.
As to the phone call - totally unecessary - an email that says "thanks for the afternoon, but I don't really see that we have that much in common - good luck in your search" gets you off the hook, gives the other person closure, and is easy, quick, and free. And anyone that sees THAT as a sign of interest is just naive.
I know people are not going to change their behavior - because it's just another sign of disintegration of communication that many things, including the electronic age, have caused on society. Text message wars is another one - and while I don't support them, and speak out against them whenever I see them, I know they're still going to happen.
But in my opinion, it's rude and unacceptable behavior - and not something I would accept (were I to witness it) in my son.
JMHO
Hey Mamarose - I think the issue here is mainly a complete lack of common courtesy. And I have to agree that I think it is almost a lost artform. Sad really. I too would be very disappointed if my own children did not exhibit that characteristic. Sorry to hear the guy turned out to be a coward.
Rose - wishing you better luck in your dating future....
I think I had mentioned it in my post somewhere. Just have to find it. That is a complete turn off right away and you get the ax immediately.
So happy to see you again Michael! Now we have Michael and Mark!! YAY!!!
I was ghosted by my x fiance as well. I wonder if they were related!?? Same incident. Odd........
Anyway, I have a story for every tale anyways. :)
Cat,
If we were both "ghosted", but at different times, I would not be surprised to find out they were the same person.
This one, most likely, had a "fiance" in every time zone
I am VERY VERY black and white! Extremely so that now man can put up with me! WHY???? BECAUSE I am OLD SCHOOL. You'll notice in alot of my dates, they are outta here within 2-6 weeks because someone pisses me off and does something that I find impolite and just plain freaking RUDE. I will tell it to their face either in a calm voice, in a higher, irritated voice or I'll just slap them, but the point gets across. LOL.
I put up with no BS and I hate cowardly spinless pond scum and YOU KNOW WHAT??? That is what you unfortunately picked and YOU know what else? Join the club into my world. LOL.
Welcome my dear into the new and not improved world of dating where their are plenty of women that like to be treated as door mats and plenty of men that no longer have to show manners, good standards and respect, because the women let themselves get walked over, for the fear of not finding someone. The pressures of the dating world now aways suck and I suggest you read that book I told you about. YOu'll see.... we are right.
It's not really ghosted per say. They just got seriously scared and ran like hell! LOL.
IMHO: I rather them run like hell then make hell in my life. I'm happier that I found out in time, even though I miss him still - wedding date would have been August 11th of this year. Makes me want to cry the closer the date creeps up. No wonder I've been cutting my hair and acting weird. I think I'm just done with everyone and everything.
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