What does it take?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
What does it take?
13
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:44am
Why is it that men are interested in me and not my child? He is a good boy and is very sweet. I very rarely have encounters with men, but, if i do I am careful not to involve my son. I don't want him to think that this person to think that this person is gonna be "daddy". I dated one man a few years ago who told me that it could be so nice if it were just me and him and asked me if I would consider sending my son to live with his father. Needless to say, I didn't see him again. My son's father is no where to be found and I have seen one man that I only introduced my son to as a friend (and did not let my son believe that there was anything more). This man was good to me but didn't pay much attention to my son. We are not together any more. Don't men understand that if they get involved with a woman with a child that it usually isn't "just the two of us". My son wants a "daddy" so bad.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:24am
This is my two cents:

I very specifically tell the men that I am dating within the first 2 minutes of meeting them, that I am single with two children ages 3 & 10. That I tell them, if they want to date me, than they are going to have to date a package; including my mother. LOL

That usually scares them off, but I have had men that accept that, but didn’t really believe what they were getting themselves into. Either they had no children of their own, or their children lived someplace completely different and only saw them once or twice a year. I have always handled the boyfriend relationship in which I calculated the fact, that he would be a future, I mean you can date a guy, but your dating, 80% because you usually are somehow searching for the ONE. Meaning that I could see him as part of my family, if I noticed he wasn’t that sort of person, or that my children despised him, then I dropped him like a hot potato. My oldest has a real knack for picking out the nice guys and the jerks, so I listen to her judgement, which ends up being 99% right. My youngest, though only 3 is the same in her way, she'll either try to play with them or run away/screams at them. They sense the character. For instance both my girls have never liked any of my boyfriends, until now. The new SO, doesn't have any children, but he is a teacher for ages 11-20, and has children around him all day, so he loves kids anyways and it shows; patience, understanding and though he has his quirks and a big worry wart about everything, he is a very nice man and they think he’s a great guy.

Yes, there is the worry that my children will be confused if I bring home every date, but I usually wait until the 3rd date to do so. If I think I will like him by the first and second date, I put him to the test. If he fails, he’s a gonner. There is a difference between knowing if he is nervous, comfortable, or uncomfortable and just not interested in my children. Nervous is ok, comfortable of course, but ignoring my children as if they don’t exist, or only being nice to them in my presence is a big NO NO. My girls take it well and I have brought home 4 men home to the girls in 4 yrs, so I think that isn’t a lot. 3 out of those 4 were great with me, until they met my children, then the tide changed. I thought it was the right thing to do, too introduce them to my girls, since I thought they were great guys, not until I introduced them to my girls did the colors change. So, had I waited longer, I would have been in for a bigger disappointment that I already was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:45pm
You make a very good point about that. I've thought about that too. Things could blow up as soon as he meets my son, but that wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least, I'd know. I think I might let him meet my son as a friend only and not say...oh, this is mommy's boyfriend. Just keep meetings very short. My son is only 5. I'll probably suggest this in a couple of months. We will have been dating for 6 months by then.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:13pm
My son was 3 when I introduced him to my then-boyfriend (TT) - after dating for a month. I introduced him as "mom's friend" - and it was on the 4th of July during a huge family function - so my son was very emotionally safe and surrounded by family. It was VERY important to me to see how TT interacted with him, if TT was interested in him and responded well to him, and if TT responded well to ME in my "mommy role". They would see each other for two or three hours one or two times a month for several months in very casual settings (normally group settings at first), and our relationship progressed very slowly in front of my son. In December - he spent the night to take care of my son because I was super sick with the flu (actually ended up in the hospital.) It was when he cooked my son dinner, entertained him all night, bathed him, and put him to bed and told him "Mommy is so, so, sick. I am here to take care of you and Mommy. If you need anything, I'll be sleeping on the couch." that I KNEW we really had something. Not just for US - but something positive that I would want for my son, too.



For me personally - 6 months would be way too long to go without introducing my child. To me - that would mean for 6 months - the man I was dating would only see a SMALL part of my life - an unreal part that didn't include all of my responsibilities. I couldn't do that. And after 6 months of dating - there would be a connection - and if the guy didn't interact well with my kid, respond well to him, respond well to me in that role - it would be much more difficult for me to break it off - and breaking it off would be a necessity.

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