What to expect?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
What to expect?
18
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 12:10pm

Well, I find myself

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
In reply to: rob352007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 12:21pm
Sounds to me like you have your head on straight on this one. There can be spontaneous outings still IMO but that happens if there is an ex spouse who has visitation I guess. My son is gone most weekends for a day and a half so during that time I am working but also might be more fancyfree if my bf wants to do something spur of the moment. He is living here so I guess we dont classify things as spontaneous but you get the drift.
when we first starting dating I had been divorced for 6 years already and he was the FIRST person I ever introduced to my kid. I had relationships before this one of course but none of them made their way to getting me to think I was going to have someone be part of our family. I was also more career driven I guess but still I didnt get that "this is the one" feeling until my current bf. He met my son after four months but we only did things together once a month and there were no overnight stays until we had been together a year and were talking about the possibility of living together. Then he started spending more time with my son and with us and we had some overnight stays. This gave us a chance to see how the family dynamic and discipline division with us would work and it was both scary and thrilling because we could see it was going to be great for everyone.
As far as the sitter costs I would leave that up to the mom. I love the fact that you are chivalrous in paying for the dates though. I think for the first few that is kind of a must for me. I am a bit old fashioned myself in a few ways and one of them is to think that spending time with a woman who could be special to you and add something beautiful to your life is a privilege and paying for the first few dates indicates you get that. I am sure others will have other opinions though. My bf paid the first few dates and then we split things sometimes after that. Now we treat each other depending on who has the funds since we are both self employed and the incomes fluctuate.
If you date a single mom you will probably at first get to know her kids through her stories about them and how she speaks of them. I think for me it has been a huge red flag when a guy hasnt seemed interested in what I say when this topic comes up. If they are genuinely interested in hearing about my responses when asked about my kid then I know they are truly interested in me. The fact is, if you end up with a single mom, they might be raising YOUR kids someday too so how she raises her own kid now is pertinent to you. It is a part of her that runs deep and shows a lot about her patience, strength and perseverance. Those traits link to other parts of life as well.
I hope this helps and thanks for asking us!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
In reply to: rob352007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 12:33pm

It sounds to me that you have a pretty good idea of what to expect.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: rob352007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 12:38pm

Welcome Rob! And I'm sure you will get ALOT of responses, but I'm not sure if you will get all that many variations, as most of us are in the same single mom/dating boat and many of the scenarios you brought up, are true.


You WILL have to be more patient with arranging date times around the busy-ness of parenting and kids' activities. You can't expect to "just show up" at any given time and have it be welcomed. (I've had a man do that before, and while it's kinda nice for a little while, or on occasion... when he started to do it ALL the time, it got to me and I had to end it with him because he just didn't get the problem with it!)


You shouldn't expect to jump into "insta-family" (and it doesn't sound like that is what you're after). But be aware too- of women who seem to push for "insta-family" as well! Don't let yourself get sucked into doing alot of group activities with a woman and her kids right off. That's a warning sign. And likewise- don't ask a woman to start including her kids along on activities too soon either. Be respectful of her wishes, if she wants to keep you apart from her children until she sees that you are a worthy person to allow around her kids.


As for paying... I do like a man who pays for dates, especially when he asks! I also like a man who accepts graciously if I ask, or if I pay as well. As far as paying for a sitter goes... while I might think it's good to offer... I'm not one to ask a man to pay for my babysitting. And if a man offers, I'm not one who would take him up on it, either. I still think "It's my kids, I can handle their babysitting, TYVM!" But to offer... that is a nice gesture.


And for me- for the first few dates, I tend to prefer meeting the man somewhere for the date. I don't want "a stranger" coming to my house to pick me up, where I am out without my car, and where he will know where I live. Just a sign of the times and security when I have kids at home. Until I know the man is trustworthy and reliable and safe... I won't let him know where I live, or allow myself to go anywhere in HIS car. But that's me. I know not all women are like that.


Don't date or stay with a woman only because you feel sorry for her as a single mom! If you don't feel chemistry or interest, then do the right thing and set her free. No dragging it out because you feel like "rescuing" someone. And be aware of the women who might be wanting to be rescued, too (run!!!) because your part in her life should be as companion and friend, moving towards romance and more... not as her lifesaver from her own life.


I'm sure I could go on and on, and I'm sure others can add much more, but that's my input for now. Good luck on the dating! Just have fun, put no pressure on yourself or the woman, and enjoy the whole process of discovering someone new. You never know what treasures you might find in various "packages"... so be open minded and patient.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: rob352007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 1:00pm

Hi, and welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: rob352007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:49pm

Thanks a lot for the replies ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
In reply to: rob352007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 12:00am

That is one of the funniest first date stories I have ever heard!

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
In reply to: rob352007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 12:11am

Hysterical!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: rob352007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 3:21am
What a GREAT story!!!!!!!!!! Too funny! Now ... how come youre still not seeing THAT girl? lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: rob352007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 9:03am

In all honesty Soonee, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top that as far as dates go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
In reply to: rob352007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 10:04am

Dang... we have such great, understanding men on the board... where are they IRL?!? lol


That's HUGE, Rob- that you "get" all of that. The reason for dating, the taking it slow, the not putting too much into one person right away... all of it. I think you'll be FINE no matter what happens in the dating scene, just because you GET IT.


I believe finding the right person requires at least 2 things to work. Personality match-up, and timing. If one or the other (or both) doesn't match, then you're going to be swimming upstream and losing ground no matter how much you might want it. And it sounds like you and the coworker has the personality match, but the timing just isn't there. She sounds BUSY! So I'm sure she enjoyed the night out with you, because she could get a break from the busy-ness, plus have a great time laughing as well! Can't beat that, and I'm glad the 2 of you had the opportunity to share it and experience that, even if there is nothing more from it.


I seriously couldn't drink so much on an empty stomach! I couldn't drink that much even on a FULL stomach, who am I kidding!?!? But I would've laughed alot had I been there as well. Sounds like quite a night!


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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