WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?
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| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:34pm |
I have had a male best friend for the last two years. Each of us has always been in a relationship and I have never had any interest in him. He is definitely NOT my type and I mean, he just isn't; secretly I have always thought he may be gay, because his attitude and then his relationships are always very untouchable far away. We have a great time together when we are together. We have alot of the same interests but to me their is NO spark and I cannot overcome it. When it's spring and summer the girls and I have always stayed as guests at his house because its on the beach. He has ALWAYS invited us to stay and often begged us to just come down because he enjoys our company. He has always been great and he has always been very sweet and generous to the girls. I have often thanked him and told him not to spoil us so much and that sometimes I felt I could not reciprocate with the spoiling. He would always tell me it isn't about who can give what and he is happy to do this for us to give me a little bit of a break. The girls and I would always try to get him a little gifts, cards, take him out to eat someplace or try to do nice things for him to make up for it. Again, he has never made us feel threatened or otherwise. We know his family, his x wife who he has dinner with once the week and all are very nice. Hence, thinking maybe he is gay because his room is in hues of purple and pinks. lol.
Well recently, both of us have been single and since we've always been friends, he invited us the last 6 weeks to come down with the girls and stay at his house in one of his two guest rooms because he wanted the company. We have done so in the past and their was never a problem until now. Suddenly, when I was their the last time to see him he's been admitting that he really likes me and always has. I have told him that I do not see him that way. He was accepting of it, but now here comes the vent and blow up.
He made a sexual comment to me on Monday and I told him I felt it was inappropriate and I really am upset that he would be a jerk and act just like every other male. That I do not like him being suggestive towards me in a manner that is utterly disprectful. Now the thing is, he has made slight innuendos in the past, but they were so slight that I was very careful to not overreact and let it slide, because I didn't think he would go that route, because I didn't think he was IN that route. I assumed I misunderstood. Well, now I know that is exactly the route he was going and I called him out on it Monday for the blunt comment on Monday and for the past comments. His reply was this:
"I want to apologize to you for my comment this morning. I absolutely hate when you lump me into the "all men" category...but I deserved it this time.
That won't happen ever again."
My comment to him was I felt totally disrespected and I am appauled that he could turn into such a male jerk.
Here comes his reply today:
"I don't mean for this to be harsh but...I am tired of you scolding me...and I'm tired of you lashing out against me in your emails. All I try to do is make you happy Catherine. I invite you and the girls down for beach weekends. I have fresh cut flowers waiting for you. I have gifts for all of you. I take care of your meals. I do these things because hopefully they make you happy. They make me happy. And in return I get viciously attacked from you on Monday. I am not like other guys just trying to get in your pants. I am trying to make a difference in your life...but you just don't see that. So until you learn how to treat me better...you should probably just leave me alone.
I am not perfect Catherine...but I am trying."
ARGGGGH!!!! That give him NO right to treat me with disprect! So I wrote this:
Giving someone a gift or doing something generous for a person, does NOT allow the person giving the gift to treat the person receiving the gift inappropriately.
I am surprised that you would start to count the great things you do for me and the children to make the excuse of treating me disrespectfully.
A severe analogy but perfect example is a husband who buys his wife diamonds, gives her all the luxuries in the world; anything she wants, but if he is in a bad mood, he beats her. And his excuse is, I give you ALL of these things, so therefore I am allowed to treat you ANYWAY I want to.
And that is basically what you told me.
Don't bother ever giving my children or me anything anymore. We don’t need your charity, your gifts or your free dinners to us. I have and the children have always thanked you very warm heartedly and YOU KNOW how hard it is for me to accept something nice for you becuase I have always felt guilty, but now you have decided to dangle that in front of me like a carrot. Shame on you.
His response:
"You have turned what was intended to be a joke (yes...in hindsight...it was a poor one) into an absolute mess of a situation. I have never disrespected you. You seem to have this uncanny knack of knowing exactly what other people think and precisely why they do the things they do.
And your analogy is absolutely ridiculous as it pertains to us. But coming from you, I understand it. Because your thought processes are always severe. A reasonable person would ask another to not make comments that make them feel uncomfortable. Instead, you launch into vicious tirades.
You are black and white in a world of gray and you just don't see that. I try to keep in mind that past relationships have caused you to think this way...but every relationship you touch ends the same way. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you why. It's because you are afraid of intimacy.
And you know what the really sad part of this whole things is? I'm still crazy about you Catherine...and for the life of me I don't why. There's no innuendo here Catherine...so don't even think there is. It's just my problem.
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Ok, I am really upset by this. :(
Thoughts? Scolds my way?

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1) he does have feelings for you and cannot contain what is in his head and it slipped out - they say love is like a cough and cannot be contained
2) his timing is poor in light of what you have just been through because it obviously upset you and you do not feel the same way
3) maybe you did over react a little bit - you should put him in his place if he makes you upset or uncomfortable with sexual comments - I think you can state that a comment like that makes me feel uncomfortable but I do not think you should put him in a category of "all other men" or make a derogatory statement about men because that attacks his person
4) you definitely should NOT go to the beach with them because you don't have feelings for him and he does and it is obvious his feelings and acts have caused him to have expectations
5) maybe this is the perfect opportunity for you to do something different for vacation this year that is great for you and your girls
I agree that had I known he was INTO me like that I would not have gone to the beach again and I have not since the incident 3 weeks ago.
I probably did overreact, because I just felt that it was totally wrong timing and he knows me better then that. He's known me for two years and he knows the things I hate, because I have told him that sooo often. So it isn't a newsflash. I am kind of just upset because I thought you can have a male friend, without any complications, but once again, I am proven wrong. I will be going to beach, but instead, maybe not as often but then I will stay at a hotel and picnic on the beach or just do a day trip. :)
Yes - we will get you some nice big glasses, too!!
I know that this is a big disappointment. Just as you needed the friendship the most is when he pops this up. And like you said, he does know your agony. The thing is that he probably feels somehow that he is different. Sigh.
I have a good friend from grade school - our dads even worked together. We tried dating once like 17 years ago and he never got over it. He still likes me. After my divorce we found each other again through a mutual friend at a HS reunion. I was happy to have his friendship and just to be able to have a great adult evening out of the house. But he wants me to sleep with him. UGH. I have no feelings for him and we are not even compatible at all that way now. But he still feels this way and so we cannot see each other anymore. Every so often we will get together for a beer or we will chat. But it is just so obvious. I feel bad for him but there is nothing I can do.
I hear ya!
J is sooo not my style. He's this hippy wanna be surfer 12 years older then me guy. His hair is just tooo long for me. It hits his collar. UGH! And on top of it, it's bleach blonde from the sun. And I know this is awful, but I don't date blondes. Then the worst is: He has fuzzy ear hair and fuzzy nose hair and it drives me INSANE. I just want to take the electrical shears on him and give him a facial. Then he wears the GOD AWFUL BIRKENSTOCKS and bright orange, electric blue, blinding yellow or spring green colored pants with some sort of out of sort color to go with it. He is athletic and has a great body for 47 but the fuzz all over is just a KILLER on my eyes. He knows all the things I can't stand in a man, so I don't know why he thinks I would be attracted. I've had to openly tell him "I am not attracted to you. You are NOT my type. You are a hippy! and your sandals are god awful." How much more blunt do ya gotta be?
Of course, he isn't letting it go. He wrote me again about how emotionally screwed up I am and I just think.... No joke! Have I not clearly told you that and have I not told you I don't want to be with anyone because I have to heal?
I am so happy alone right now. I've been having this great time at Nina's soccer game. I am making new girlfriends. And they are SO nice. They are two ladies, both married to really sweet guys and they don't treat me like I have leprosy for being single. I look forward to soccer practice and the games because I am finally starting to feel I am making friends here and keeping busy. I'm going to miss them when it's over, but we have the fall and hopefull Alex will be going to softball.
I must say, this description is JUST HILARIOUS. Although I know this post and topic are most maddening for you it did get a good laugh out of me. OMG - what a cracker - 12 years older, hippy hair, those shoes and pants. Dear heavens, you poor thing. You were CLEARLY not underestimating the fact that you don't and won't have an attraction to him.
I think this one just likes you. He probably has for a long time and since you two were always dating someone else that helped contain it. But now that you are both single he cannot contain himself. And all he thinks about is his attraction for you and how he can help you since you are troubled. He does not think about what turns you on or what you have said. I think no matter what he would always want you and hope springs eternal. Or so they say!!
IT sounds like the sports and the girls are just the ticket right now.
I agree with Judy- he's liked you for so long that he's not hearing what you say about other guys and what you like/ dislike... he's just feeling his attraction for you and waiting for you to be single...
It's too bad that he's carrying on- you might just not reply to him for a while and leave things be.
I think for me it's rather obvious that he has developed feelings for you that are way more than simple friendship.
Maybe he thought that if he was wonderful and caring and sweet to you and the girls, your feelings would develop. You can't help that they didn't, but he can't be faulted for hoping they would, either.
As far as your emails back and forth.... if he is truly your best friend, perhaps he's seeing something about you that makes you uncomfortable. It is obviously his opinion only, and he's entitled to it. But if you're feeling so hurt and angry about it, maybe it's because it is coming with a grain of truth.
You know him well- do you think you can both get past this and maintain a friendship? In my opinion, it probably wouldn't be fair to try knowing that his feelings have headed in another direction.
One more thing about the sexual remark- you know him- is this completely out of character for him? I think given his response to your reaction, he probably didn't mean it at all disrespectfully, but it's out there, and now how you deal with it is entirely up to you.
Moody, who needs her best friends to be women, always
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