WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?
16
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:34pm

I have had a male best friend for the last two years. Each of us has always been in a relationship and I have never had any interest in him. He is definitely NOT my type and I mean, he just isn't; secretly I have always thought he may be gay, because his attitude and then his relationships are always very untouchable far away. We have a great time together when we are together. We have alot of the same interests but to me their is NO spark and I cannot overcome it. When it's spring and summer the girls and I have always stayed as guests at his house because its on the beach. He has ALWAYS invited us to stay and often begged us to just come down because he enjoys our company. He has always been great and he has always been very sweet and generous to the girls. I have often thanked him and told him not to spoil us so much and that sometimes I felt I could not reciprocate with the spoiling. He would always tell me it isn't about who can give what and he is happy to do this for us to give me a little bit of a break. The girls and I would always try to get him a little gifts, cards, take him out to eat someplace or try to do nice things for him to make up for it. Again, he has never made us feel threatened or otherwise. We know his family, his x wife who he has dinner with once the week and all are very nice. Hence, thinking maybe he is gay because his room is in hues of purple and pinks. lol.

Well recently, both of us have been single and since we've always been friends, he invited us the last 6 weeks to come down with the girls and stay at his house in one of his two guest rooms because he wanted the company. We have done so in the past and their was never a problem until now. Suddenly, when I was their the last time to see him he's been admitting that he really likes me and always has. I have told him that I do not see him that way. He was accepting of it, but now here comes the vent and blow up.

He made a sexual comment to me on Monday and I told him I felt it was inappropriate and I really am upset that he would be a jerk and act just like every other male. That I do not like him being suggestive towards me in a manner that is utterly disprectful. Now the thing is, he has made slight innuendos in the past, but they were so slight that I was very careful to not overreact and let it slide, because I didn't think he would go that route, because I didn't think he was IN that route. I assumed I misunderstood. Well, now I know that is exactly the route he was going and I called him out on it Monday for the blunt comment on Monday and for the past comments. His reply was this:

"I want to apologize to you for my comment this morning. I absolutely hate when you lump me into the "all men" category...but I deserved it this time.
That won't happen ever again."

My comment to him was I felt totally disrespected and I am appauled that he could turn into such a male jerk.

Here comes his reply today:

"I don't mean for this to be harsh but...I am tired of you scolding me...and I'm tired of you lashing out against me in your emails. All I try to do is make you happy Catherine. I invite you and the girls down for beach weekends. I have fresh cut flowers waiting for you. I have gifts for all of you. I take care of your meals. I do these things because hopefully they make you happy. They make me happy. And in return I get viciously attacked from you on Monday. I am not like other guys just trying to get in your pants. I am trying to make a difference in your life...but you just don't see that. So until you learn how to treat me better...you should probably just leave me alone.

I am not perfect Catherine...but I am trying."

ARGGGGH!!!! That give him NO right to treat me with disprect! So I wrote this:

Giving someone a gift or doing something generous for a person, does NOT allow the person giving the gift to treat the person receiving the gift inappropriately.

I am surprised that you would start to count the great things you do for me and the children to make the excuse of treating me disrespectfully.

A severe analogy but perfect example is a husband who buys his wife diamonds, gives her all the luxuries in the world; anything she wants, but if he is in a bad mood, he beats her. And his excuse is, I give you ALL of these things, so therefore I am allowed to treat you ANYWAY I want to.

And that is basically what you told me.

Don't bother ever giving my children or me anything anymore. We don’t need your charity, your gifts or your free dinners to us. I have and the children have always thanked you very warm heartedly and YOU KNOW how hard it is for me to accept something nice for you becuase I have always felt guilty, but now you have decided to dangle that in front of me like a carrot. Shame on you.

His response:
"You have turned what was intended to be a joke (yes...in hindsight...it was a poor one) into an absolute mess of a situation. I have never disrespected you. You seem to have this uncanny knack of knowing exactly what other people think and precisely why they do the things they do.

And your analogy is absolutely ridiculous as it pertains to us. But coming from you, I understand it. Because your thought processes are always severe. A reasonable person would ask another to not make comments that make them feel uncomfortable. Instead, you launch into vicious tirades.
You are black and white in a world of gray and you just don't see that. I try to keep in mind that past relationships have caused you to think this way...but every relationship you touch ends the same way. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you why. It's because you are afraid of intimacy.

And you know what the really sad part of this whole things is? I'm still crazy about you Catherine...and for the life of me I don't why. There's no innuendo here Catherine...so don't even think there is. It's just my problem.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, I am really upset by this. :(
Thoughts? Scolds my way?

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:36am

Ok, so he text messaged me last night and said: Can we please start over again? You are too important to me to lose our friendship. Hi... my name is J.

I wrote him back: I need some space right now and you need a cold shower because you are worse then a boyfriend; you are a total drama queen. We'll talk again when I'm ready. Goodnight.

GEESH! What DRAMA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:41am

That was a cute and clever by you - good job!

I do think this story has served one purpose you never would have thought of - and that is to give us all a lesson of what it looks like when a guy is that into you. He goes out of his way to do all kinds of things to please you and make you happy - romantically - NOT sexually (well at least not until the other day and this is a long time into it - he is a guy after all!) - and no matter what you do or say you cannot deter his feelings for you. There is no praying he will call or wondering what he is thinking - he is into you.

NOW - if this one could only fit your attraction scale, be closer in age with no crazy shoes, hair or pants then you would be set for life. acks.

But such is life.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:50am
Anyone can tell anyone else to get a haircut and kill the sandals, but what about the fuzzy ear hair and that fuzzy nose hair? That would HAVE to go. But how would one say something like that to someone? I am horribly mean to him sometimes, but I could never tell him that. No matter how close we are. I just feel that is so insensitive and hurtful. I've tried to make so many hints, but J doesn't get it. He's so oblivious. LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:16pm
But really- even getting rid of the fuzzy hair, you STILL wouldn't be attracted to him... would you?



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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:27pm
no, but it might help him more in the lady department. I dont know any woman that likes fuzzy ears and fuzzy nose. Do you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:33pm

Well, that is a project. We can morph him to be 8 years younger, not a blond - maybe dark brown hair, lose the shoes, socks and the pants, and get a big shave everywhere. Then not appear gay!! That poor buster is definitely not for her! Not even with an EXTREME makeover!

The funny thing is I can totally relate with my friend that also likes me to no avail. He doesn't believe in any sort of exercise and eats and drinks a lot and all the wrong stuff - which is not becoming at our age - he is carrying a lot of extra weight. He likes to smoke cigars sometimes which turns me off. Then there is the issue of him wanting to hunt, dive and fish EVERY weekend. He only wants to live on the beach and he doesn't tolerate kids very well. And he likes the woman to do all the work - cook, clean, etc. I remember he was sitting at another single moms house - she is a once a month FWB - he was talking to me on the phone while she was outside mowing the lawn. OH - and he is a 40+ never married. UGH.

The thing that is a bummer is that it is fun to go for beers and to chat with him - he tells amazing stories and we have many memories of growing up together.

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