What I just learned from a Man Site
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| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 11:46am |
Ok, so there is this website geared towards men that has a posting board just like this one. I thought I would get a man's perspective on dating and I got completely slammed for my post.
Here is what I posted:
There is this guy I haven't seen in years, who I had a very brief romance with. Anyway, I found his contact info online and we have been IMing and emailing for over a week. I have a rule against asking a guy out, and I feel that I made the first move by contacting him in the first place. How long do you guys typically wait before you ask?
The guys posted angrily
that my "rule" is just an "excuse" due to fear of rejection, which is the same reason that the guy I am talking about won't ask me out - he is afraid of rejection. Some posted that it was either the above or that he just doesn't want to see you.
Comments?

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All message boards have their own dynamic, and I'm guessing their dynamic is not one of support and constructive advice, since you said you were slammed for your question. There was a thread on the '30s and up' board along a similar line of what your responses said, but I just checked and the guy has deleted his whole post. It was very long but it basically said he doesn't ask a woman out unless he gets a really strong signal that she's interested. He's asked too many women out and been rejected too many times to believe that a smile or a flirt or a nice conversation means she's interested. Based on his post, I think he would have said that if you email a guy to see how he's doing, he's going to assume you are curious how he's doing and not assume more. He was saying guys are more straight forward in their thinking that way, like if you get on the treadmill next to him at the gym, he is not going to think you picked that treadmill because you think he's cute, he's going to think you picked that treadmill because you want to work out, and if you strike up a conversation, he's going to assume you like to talk when you run, not that you like him. His thinking was a bit too simple, but he was probably just trying to be a little extreme to make his point.
There could also be some truth to what the men on the other site said, that this guy might be afraid of rejection or he's not interested, but if you didn't have a fear of rejection you might ask him out. I like the policy of a girl not asking a guy out. I want to be asked out and it's really not about fear of rejection for me. If someone I like doesn't ask me out, I'm pretty much going to think he's not interested, and that it's his loss.
To me, it goes back to that "if he's too chicken crap to ask, you probably don't want to be out with him in the first place"
Somehow, things have gotten mixed up. The men are supposed to PREFER being the agressor/initiator, while we women "coyly" work it out so that they WILL ask us out. ie. initiating internet conversation by looking him up. What has HAPPENED to the chase and conquor in men these days?????
I don't agree with those guys. I think they just want things handed to them on the silver platter. They want women to hunt them down, ask them out, buy them drinks and then perform oral sex. LOL! Whatever happened to real romance?
That being said, I think it's FINE sometimes for women to ask men out. But I just don't think it usually works that way.
I'll be interested in everyone's opinions. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I like me this way! ;)
I think what happened is that as a group, women stood up and said we don't like old fashioned, we don't want to stay at home, we want equal pay, etc. etc. And there are lots of women out there that don't even know what old fashioned is any more. Which means there are guys out there who don't know about it either. If they've never seen a man hold the door for a woman or been told that it's appropriate (maybe they didn't have a father or an uncle even around to teach them), and maybe one day after they grew up they went on a date and the date said "I'll open my own doors thank you very much and I'll be paying my half of the check" they probably don't spend much time thinking about what other options are out there other than letting her open the door herself and letting her pay her half. Or maybe the do know about old fashioned and they'd just rather be with the girl who does everything for herself.
I agree with you though, I would rather date someone who has the whatevers to ask me out.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is was his first instinct on receiving my email 1) she is just checking in with me or 2) she is interested in me
I totally agree!
Some parts of the feminist movement were a great thing....but I think we also really shot ourselves in the foot with a lot of those concepts. Sigh...
Yes, I do.
This is like my silly DH saying I don't initiate sex often. BUT...what does he think coming to bed with freshly shaved legs, NO clothing and kisses on his neck are? Duh.
And if a guy has an ad on the personals, and you respond to it...who made the first move? Him in putting the ad up? Or you in responding? Chicken or the egg, bak bak bak bak baaaak!
:)
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