What I just learned from a Man Site

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
What I just learned from a Man Site
19
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 11:46am

Ok, so there is this website geared towards men that has a posting board just like this one. I thought I would get a man's perspective on dating and I got completely slammed for my post.

Here is what I posted:

There is this guy I haven't seen in years, who I had a very brief romance with. Anyway, I found his contact info online and we have been IMing and emailing for over a week. I have a rule against asking a guy out, and I feel that I made the first move by contacting him in the first place. How long do you guys typically wait before you ask?

The guys posted angrily

that my "rule" is just an "excuse" due to fear of rejection, which is the same reason that the guy I am talking about won't ask me out - he is afraid of rejection. Some posted that it was either the above or that he just doesn't want to see you.

Comments?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:28pm
No, he does not live close by. We talk about everything, even mentioned our brief past together. He was engaged but they broke it off, he gave me some detail. I gave him some detail of my divorce. ETC
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:32pm
Have you hinted at seeing him, without coming out and saying you are interested? Like, "it would be nice to catch up with you in person" or something like that? Have you asked questions like whether he's dating anyone or how he feels about the idea of a relationship after the breakup of his engagement? If he's not close by, is a relationship really an option?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:49pm
Yep. He said he was hurt but it was two years ago and he didn't say he was seeing someone seriously. He lives about an 1.5 hours away. A relationship is possible for me, I don't know how he feels about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 3:54pm
I'm going to take a guess and say he's not interested, or at least not interested right now. I think if he was he'd be asking to get together. Keep emailing him as a friend if you are enjoying that, and maybe down the road a relationship will be possible for him too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 4:07pm
That's what I was thinking. Frustrating isn't it?
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 4:18pm
Well, bummer. I didn't realize he was so far away. Based on that fact alone (w/out any of the other circumstances involved) I'd say he probably has NO CLUE that you are interested in him pursuing you. I mean, from that far away, I myself would assume an email flirtation/friendship was all that was going on.
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 7:44pm
I don't think and hour and a half is that bad, but that's probably because I have done this type of distance before. Anyway, I guess I just have to keep dropping hints and if it was meant to be it will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 12:20pm

I think your dad is right about letting the guy make the first move. If he is not making a first move there is a good reason. I do not see anything wrong with dropping a few hints or showing your interest, though.

Just enjoy your chats and try to keep busy with other things.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 12:46am

This is one of the few threads where I read every post. First, I don't like most of the "man" sites since they seem to be angry and full of a lot of backlash. I think that a lot of this attitude of men backing off from initiating the romantic moves is a backlash at the feminist movement.

I don't think that it is very common for guys to have been threatened or attacked for making a move on a woman, but the stories that they tell each other reinforce the idea that it's common and that it's expectable. The idea they have is that feminism has made it so that a woman pretty much has to state in writing that she is interested in receiving romantic overtures from the man or else the man will get in trouble for making any moves. There are even stories that go around about schools where this is required if sexual harrasment charges are not going to be filed.

It is also true that men have started becoming used to being told by a woman that "I really didn't mean it in that way" after he seems confused when she rejects his advances. Some of it may also come from the responses that have been rude and nasty instead of just saying, "No, thankyou."

I don't think those situations are that common, but hey; how many times do you stick your fingers in a live light socket before you become really wary of ALL light sockets? All that has to happen is for a guy (a normal one, not the insensitive louts) to get slapped down real bad once or twice and he's worried about it happening each time he puts a move on a woman.

That said, I think you gave him enough of a signal that you were interested. Anytime a woman makes an effort to talk to me AND asks about my "wife" or "girl friend", I know what she's interested in. There is even a special way that women ask the question, like, "So, what does your WIFE think about that?" Every time they ask, I can even hear the capitol letters in their voice, meaning they want me to reply, "Oh, I don't have a wife."

Anyway, I would suggest that you give this guy another 2 weeks or so. One week is really not that much time for him to come to a conclusion. You had time to think about him before you ever contacted him, now he needs time to think about you. But if HE hasn't pushed it any further by 2 weeks, he probably won't. I do tend to think that the guy should be the one to take those other steps after you show an initial interest. I also have seen a lot of situations where the woman did most of the pushing and the guy went along with it. Those things always seemed to go bad. But, that's my opinion.

Michael

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