What is the point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
What is the point?
15
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 1:51pm

Fact: I am in love with Jack. He is a good person and until I - ME ME ME - and comfortable moving on I am not going to. No one can understand the relationship we have between each other except us and although people may experience what are seemingly similar experiences they are not the same. I do listen and do take heed but honeslty when I did take advice here - it wasn't for me. It didn't work out. Telling Alyse he was never coming back - DUMB. Should have stuck to my guns on that and explained things how they really were. I tried to say that I was through with it but I am not like that. Maybe I am not like most of you - in fact I KNOW I am not. I am not saying one is better because I don't think that is true. I am just different in many ways and maybe that is BAD. But it is who I am. I am a good mother, I work hard, and love and forgive like you wouldn't believe. I don't get pissy, whiney, weepy, or anything like that. I am open, honest, loving and forthright but I am not demanding, manipulative or sarcastic. Listening to anyone else just makes me one of those bad things.

I really thought coming here would be a place to find encouragement but I have not really found that here much. I see a bunch of people who complain when it doesn't work out, don't make themselves accountable for things not working out (haven't you noticed it is always HIS issues?) And flip flop just as much as I do. I am not the only one that asserts one day I should take a break and then the next posts about some guy.

So thanks to all that have been kind and tried to understand my side and actually read what was written. So many times I am amazed at what is derived from my posts. I especially HATE HATE HATE the tactic of copying my posts and putting them in your own and then analyzing them and taking them out of context. I am always frustrated with that one.

I realize many of you have stated that it is hard to know with not being here. I am not trying to dog you guys down at all. I wish you all luck with everything and I will still be around because I do like to listen to the advice you give others. But mine is too colored by a view of me or of Jack. That is my fault for telling you all too much detail. This is no fault of yours but I feel that I do not fit in well with all of you. I will just have to do what is best for me and leave for a bit- maybe for good who knows. But I wanted to say thanks and let you know why I am going. It just isn't a good fit here for me and the way I am. I am sorry. So for now I am going to take a break from all of you. I am sure I will lurk and may post here and there to people but I will keep this business off the board. Sorry to have frustrated and upset you with my personality but I obviously have. Maybe I am tough to be with ;) Maybe Jack has good reason to be cautious. You never know.

And just a side note: for those that on-line date think about guys who you have emailed and talked to and were excited to meet and then were NOTHING like you thought. I dare to say many of the people you meet on boards like this may be very similar in that. I have met woman from my other boards and been shocked. Sometimes in a bad way and sometimes good. Just something for you all to think about in your certainty about me. The only thing I am certain of is you are all well meaning. And for that I appreciate it - really. This just isn't the place for me - at least for now.

Take Care

Laura

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 2:27pm

Laura,


Most people DO find support and encouragement here. Even when we don't agree, we can be supportive. There are always women here who make choices that I don't agree with, but I can still be supportive of them. Like Candi so clearly said, you change your mind weekly and that is why it's impossible to stay on track and stay supportive of you in the way you're looking for.


I am genuinely sorry that you feel so isolated from the group. I am sorry we couldn't be more help. But I am glad you still will be lurking about.


Two comments:


1) WHY would you hate people pasting YOUR EXACT WORDS in, to be sure that we can't mess it up? That's the best tactic around here for letting people know exactly what they are commenting on. Sorry that bothers you.


2) On your side note, as an addition: Sometimes people IN REAL LIFE don't turn out to be who you thought they were. I would venture to say, just as often as online people turn out different.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 3:09pm

I don't know the history with Jack because I am new here. But since I have arrived I've tried to follow along with the posts and replies about your relationship with him. It seems that this has been a roller coaster and going on a very long time. It also seems like most people are on the roller coaster with you, trying to be supportive when you are getting over him, and also being supportive when things change and you are trying to keep him in your life, but at the same time wanting to be realistic and honest with you about what they think. I imagine that the whole experience has been exhausting for you, and at the same time frustrating for those here who do support your choices. As soon as everyone was behind you with completely cutting him off, you have a date, and the next think you know you are extatic he's changed his plans to spend time with you. That is a really different place than you were a week or so ago. So it's kind of hard to follow along and be supportive of any choice, when the decision is constantly changing.

I personally think you should do what feels right. I also think keeping him away from your dd makes sense given how she reacted to his leaving. From the little time I've been here, I also get the sense that there is not much chance the relationship is going anywhere but you are very reluctant to let it go regardless of that fact. I don't have lots of room to talk since I don't know all the history and I am in a relationship right now that I don't know where it's going. I'm trying to make sense of it all it isn't always easy. I know that. I agree that everyone here has the best intentions, and I personally think I've gotten some of the best advice from people on this board. If you feel you need to take a break from here, then you should do that. But I'm also guessing if you change your mind everyone would understand.

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:07pm

Laura
All I can say is good luck. Sorry to see you feel this way but you feel the way you do and I'm not going to argue with you. Hope you'll chime in once in a while.

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 8:50pm

Hey Laura,

I didn't read all of the messages in the last thread. I know I've given you some advice in the past. I hope I didn't make you upset. I really do understand your situation with Jack (mostly I do understand). You probably feel about him the way I feel about my ex and if my ex wanted to see me, I'd get back on that roller coaster (cautiously). I wouldn't be able to stop myself. Really, you just have to do what you have to do and not worry about what other people say. I wish the very best and I hope you get what you want.

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:19pm

I do wish you good luck, Laura.

I think we have all learned as much from you as you have from us on the board. It is hard for us to watch another mom have pain and that is probably why we all "attack" you so to speak. We have all been there when it comes to being unhappy in a relationship(s).

I just want to say that I think you have to remember something I said earlier. You are a very creative person/artist and you tend to paint a rosy picture in your mind about someone's potential. This is your strength but it is also your weakness. You don't have the same "alarm" zone as many people do. By "alarm zone" I mean the point at which you draw the line and set off the alarm that something is not right.

I think that you should want someone who is really into you without so much commotion or effort. Just try to let things be for now and not push things forward. Become who you are on your own. Don't be afraid to be alone.

I know that you hang onto Jack because you feel something is there and you are not "done" yet. But please don't wait until you are very miserable before you decide you are done. Think about what everyone here has said. Just rest. And then come back and help us too.

I wish you and Alyse a Happy Thanksgiving.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 4:51am

I know I may be a part of the decision you made to take a break and I'm sorry you feel that way. I totally understand how you feel and where you're coming from. I've been on this board 3yrs now and I can tell you, that you don't know my background from the beginning of time when I joined this board. That's probably good, because let me tell you, I do understand where your coming from. More than you know. I've been in love with a man for the last 18 years (since I was 14; Alex's Dad) that I know deep down I can't have him, but the moment he is in my life, I drop everything and everyone because I still can't fathom the idea that it CAN'T WORK. He goes through the same. It would have probably worked each time had he been able to see how selfish and sorry feeling person he is (the most selfish man that anyone has ever met in their entire lives on this board or anyone else that I've ever met face to face), I can't change him. He thinks the world owes him (he was adopted and has issues of not feeling wanted) and until he realizes it doesn't and shouldn't revolve around him he will be a very unhappy man and he will make his life miserable and those that love him. It's been a roller coaster for 18yrs and never ending because of our daughter, I see him and I can't move on. I am just dying to know what Christmas will be like this year, because he announced the other day that he's planning on coming over to Germany to see us. I love him, he loves me and he's asked me to marry at least half a dozen times (last summer was the latest) and I can't. I know if I do, my life and my childrens will be miserable. I can't find a descent relationship, because he is in the shadows all the time. It's a nightmare. Especially for me, because I want to learn to move on and I can't feel that I can. He is the only one that truely knows me (he feeels the same, because we've known each other so long), so I don't have to explain myself to him, don't have to try and make my life look shiney and happy, when I know what I've struggled against and he knows who I am. It makes it very easy to be with someone who knows you, but it doesn't mean he is good for you. I realize that. Will I ever fall on my butt and actually marry him, or let myself get caught in his web again? Maybe, I've found myself caught in his web time and time again, but I never went so far and to make the final leap, because I knew my life would be miserable and most important my children don't deserve to be put through such a strenous relationship. Our daughter (she's 11), actually thinks we are nuts and hopes we never get married, because she says we would make each other miserable. When he visits, it's always the same. We act as friends, then he makes the move about how he feels about me, I get suckered into it, then we are lovey dovey and like a unit (he's my right, I'm his left), then the fight breaks out (because he does something unbelievable selfish again(me, me, me syndrom)) and it's like World War 3 and the house rocks and shakes. Give us an hour or two maximum and then we are all lovey dovey again. This has been the nightmare of 18yrs. My family loves him(they agree with me though, but he is a gorgeous, intelligent, charming, and very humourous man), his family loves me and they treat us both as if we were together. He gets invited to my families holiday parties when he is visiting Texas and I get invited to his families get togethers. It's all very nuts and odd. His family is also VERY wealthy and they spoil me and my two girls WEEKLY with real gold and silver jewelery, clothes, shoes and I even got a real fur silver fox coat last year. Without his family, I would of been on the streets with my girls long ago.
What I am basically trying to say is:
I understand more than you think, but no matter how you perceive him as the prince or the soul mate, sometimes, no matter how hard it is, you have to walk away for the sake of saving yourself and your child(ren). In reality the relationship is a abusive one, because you aren't happy, you don't feel your really number one, your going through the vicious cycles over and over and over again and NOTHING changes. No one can give you advice and maybe it's a good idea to get away from the board awhile. I know that when I have found myself getting involved with Scott again and I needed to get away from all advice and look deep within myself, I actually found myself to pull away from this board and to pull away from friends and family to look deep within myself, because I knew the best advice I could get was the little person inside my head telling me to either accept or keep walking.
As for the other men in my life (which is all rather similiar to Scott: drama after drama),I have had my shares of the worst kind and this board kicked my ass literally. They didn't draw the flowers that I saw and they saw the danger zones. They gave me advice even when I didn't ask and they basically put me in line(sometimes it really ticked me off). ALL THE WHILE supporting me and telling me, I deserve better and I am a good person. No one wanted to see me hurt anymore than I have been or my children. This board is about a lot of care and support; the good and the ugly. No one says things to intentionally hurt you (even tho it can), they say things, because they care about who we are and that we have enough struggles. Dang, don't we? I know I sure the heck didn't ask to be raising two children alone and both fathers creeping out on me. I would love to have a real relationship and the big happy family. I long to sit at the table for Thanksgiving with my kids, my husband and maybe if he has children(which I hope), to give thanks for what I have. I want the House, the Family Values, the whole enchilada. At the moment, it ain't happening and it hasn't happened since the day I started dating men. I finally know now why. I totally realize what I have been doing and I think it might be the reason that I can actually overcome Scott this time around in life. I started to stop dating because I was hurting myself more and more. The women on this board have experienced my nightmare of men, that I have only myself to thank. I was always trying to escape the hurt and would run from one to another. Never healing, never wanting to be alone, never trying to figure out that maybe it was my fault, because I was seeking these people that hurt me out. Not intentionally, but in the back of my head I sought for men that were my father. Those that I knew would abandon me as he had. Not dating in the last 3 months may sound silly, but if you know who I am, then its a HUGE step that I am extremely proud of. I used to be proud that I had a flavor of the month; Mr. January, Febuary, March, etc..., now I am extremely ashamed, but at the same time proud that I realized the denial I was putting myself in. I could never say, I am going to stop dating for 6 months and do it. I put way to much expectations of myself that I couldn't handle. So I started a ridiculous thing about not dating for 1 week, then when the week was over, I said another week, once I got the hang of it, I said, OK, now for the Month of October, then once October was over, I decided "Hey, this really did me good, I think I'll try it for November.", now November is coming to an end and I am even happier, so I am going to go for the next phase "December". Anyway, your time will come, in due time when you are ready and not when someone, or everyone tells you that you have to be ready. Take care of yourself and find your way. Hope you to try to keep lurking and when your ready, post again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:42pm

Wow Catherine, what a wonderful response. It's very kind of you to share your story to try to help someone else, and quite a story it is.

Laura:

You are right when you say that no one can truly know what you are going through. Of course we can't, we're not you, and we only know what you tell us. But, we all have something in common, we are or were at one time single moms, and we've all been in love, and we've all been hurt. And, like Catherine so eloquently put it, we probably relate more than you think. I think Catherine's willingness to share her personal heartache proves that there really are caring people here on this board. At least I think there are.

I don't think that anyone has meant to hurt you. I think that everything that was said was said out of love and concern for you as a fellow single mom. The bottom line is this: we are all adults and we all have a mind of our own and our own free will. We can get advice from anyone, but what we do with that advice is our own choice. We can take it or leave it. What I particularly like about this board is that even when we go against the advice of everyone here and post about the turnout, no one here ever says "I told you so". Compassion and support is received instead. I know, that recently happened to me, and I'm very grateful for that.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 1:08pm
Hi Laura,
I have been following your relationship with Jack and I am a nascar fan so I understand who his dad is. But the question I guess is how long is Jack going to let his mother and father run his life? Have you ever met his parents in this affair? I guess you might be talking down to us but I guess I just wonder how long you are willing to wait for Jack and what will you do if he finds another woman and gets married without pursuing any more than what he has with you? Just confused and think you are letting a man make decisions for you and your relationship.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 2:35pm

Talking down to you? Not sure what you mean. I have met his parents and they do know now that we are dating and have been for a long time. Lately things have been changing a lot, seeing as he sees his parents in a new light - some personal family info I am not at liberty to share. Some recent events with his parents are changing his view of them and his relationship with them. I don't quite understand your comments honestly. I think anyone can leave anyone at any time for other woman. It has happened to all of us hear obviously even if it wasn't for another. People leave and change their minds. He could do that. I could also do that. I suppose I will be sad and hurt. How would you feel? But that doesn't mean that is going to happen. Just like the fact that just because people get married doesn't mean they will stay that way. I personally love being with him and since I still can be I will be. I orginally thought that our problem was souly that - his parents/family/upbring. And it still is I suppose but not the way I orginally thought.

Seriously though...talking down to you? I don't really understand that. That wasn't my intention and I don't see what I have to talk down to any of you about. I just have different ideas about things than most people. That isn't unique to this board for me and doesn't mean I view any of you any less.

laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 4:27pm

While we're sorry to see you go, I'm sure we all understand your need for a break. I've taken time off from iVillage before but mostly because I had no time to do it.

For me, the point of coming here is to get things off my chest. I can come vent and be semi-anonymous. I can reveal what I choose and no one will know what I don't want them to. I can pick and choose the advice I want to take and give advice when I feel like I have some to offer. I know how you feel. We all can relate to feeling ganged up on, but also the overwhelming feeling of support and friendship. I can honestly say that there have been times where I was mad as Hell at the comments thrown my way, but I had to step back and realize that either the person saying these things was not aware of the whole story either because she didn't read it right OR I might not have offered enough info. Also, I had to sometimes look in the mirror and say, "Mel, you're just being dramatic". That's a hard pill to swallow. I also know that the girls here have watched me go from a dysfunctional at best thing with Zac to a serious relationship with Shane and then marrying him and now expecting his daughter. They've watched us go up and down and after some time, who can expect any of them to just keep their mouths shut? I come here and gripe abut him hurting my feelings and as soon as they agree with me and say how bad he's being to me, I begin to defend him as if all of a sudden, it's okay for him to do that. But they also point out that maybe I'm just being difficult and need to step outside of myself for a second and look at the fight for what it really is...me spouting off inflamatory remarks that hurt his feelings so he retaliated. Do I like reading that when I've come for support??? HECK NO! But that's the breaks. I come here, I spell it all out as best as I can and as soon as it's posted, I'm saying I'm open to all comments good or bad.

I could stop coming, but I choose to stay because I love the feeling I get when I post something exciting and see the pouring out of "good luck", "Happy for you", and "we're thinking of you". If I didn't ever have that, I'd certainly go elsewhere.

I do hope you will be back. But take all the time you need and update us on your life srom time to time.

Mel

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