What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
What should I do?
33
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 10:24pm

This is one I would like your opinion on. Just a few hours ago the gf called to let me know that while we were in Italy her DS took my brand new Volkswagen Passat for a joy ride (without permission of course). Now his excuse was lame, clearly somewhat of a lie (wouldn't expect much different from a teen) and his apology was half hearted.

She asked me what to do, but didn't want to really hear my suggestion. I called her back and told her that I was not so angry but very, very disappointed and that I felt this was another example of him being irresponsible and NOT considering how his actions effect himself and his mom.

Now since I'm only the BF for a little over a year, I can't discipline him for his actions. So far all she has done is discuss it with me and not really heard what I said.

As the bf, what are my options here? How should she handle this?

Thanks for your considerations,

Zen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 10:47pm

Well, a lot depends on how old this kid is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 10:53pm

Ok- I ran your scenario past my 8 yr old ds, and his reply?


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 11:48pm

agree with alison - in this situation - IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE that you are not the dad - it is YOUR car he took

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 11:50pm

Let me get this straight- your GF's teen son took YOUR car out for a joy ride while you were out of the country? That is theft plain and simple. If he's underage it is a huge deal. Had he been caught it would have been a huge fine for MOM and theft charges. If you then said he had permission and he was underage YOU are in a heap of trouble with the authorities. What if he'd had an accident? He is not a covered insured on your policy I presume. This is a big deal and it is irrelevant that he is not your kid. He took YOUR car. You are responsible for any damage caused by a driver of your car. And I have teen sons, they wouldn't dream of taking my boyfriend's car without permission, probably wouldn't take it even with permission. But you like drama and chaos so have fun.

QueenBun

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 6:20am

Hey Queenie, I love drama, but not this one much. Sort of the beginning of the real relationship crap and a foreshadow of what being with her long term or marriage might be like.

I'm with all of you. He just turned 17 and got his license in January. Since GF and ex-hubby share custody, kids were staying the full week at dad's while we were gone. DS has key to GF house because when both parents are home the kids live with her half the week and with dad the other half. So he had access to my car key because I left it at her house with my car. We took a limo to the airport from her house since she had to work the morning we left. He and some buds stopped in at her house during the week to bring in her mail and make sure it was okay.

I agree that without a license this one is a deal breaker and the hammer of the gods should come down. As you would expect, GF has been very lax with him. Not only has she not imposed any penalty for it here yet but she also told me that Sunday nite he came home a half hour late even after she said that she talked to him about the car incident and told him he was in trouble. She told me she just let his coming home late ride. Man that made me mad because not only did it show that he doesn't understand that he is in trouble but it is disrespectful to her and her authority as his mother.

I think I've said it in another post, neither parent really has given either child any chores or responsibilities so the kids have no clue on what it is to be responsible. As you know my "drama" has been mistaken for me dating a very young immature girl, not the 40ish woman I am.

Last nite after posting this she called me again to say goodnite and I made it very, very clear that I was upset with her as well as him, maybe more her now because so far she has done NOTHING to punish him (and help him learn the lesson here). Interestingly, before reading any of your posts I did what you gals suggested in your posts and and told her that he will have to serve some penance with me soon. She was really uncomfortable with this.

As the BF I'm stuck in a spot (yes, probably more drama but not my doing this time) because I can't really tell her how to raise her kids but clearly there is a need for me to force some discipline here. We were all kids once and screwed up in our lives, so I think as his first "Zen Offense" the punishment can be a little less severe then it would be otherwise. But there absolutely has to be some discipline. She of course told me that she will handle it, which so far means nothing and probably means she won't handle it at all.

I'm not going to let up on her or him now until I am sure he gets that he was very, very wrong and that she understands that her son is 17, not 10 and that he has to start being much more responsible period. She has to stop treating him like a delicate child and start treating him like a delicate adult.

I was thinking about having him be my slave around my house for a couple of weekends, but I spent some time last nite thinking about what I call "positive punishment." I am on the Environmental Commission in my town and think maybe I'll make him spend all this Saturday with me at the Earth Day event from 7AM till 7PM setting up, policing the grounds, helping out with the kid events, schlepping stuff for the vendors and senior citizens, et cetera.

Any of you have some ideas like this that would be essentially a form of punishment but also teach him something in addition to being a positive motivational force? Also, I'm very curious about what any of your BFs would do or say here or how you would handle the situation with your BF. I'm sure the other men who lurk here would probably like to hear this as well.

Kisses,

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:48am
I just asked my live in bf what he would do in your situation and he and I came up with a few ideas. It occurred to both of us that in our years we have friends of friends or neighbors from the past who are in law enforcement and that most of them would be perfectly willing to participate in what would be basically a scare tactic in coming to the house when the kid is there to file a report or discuss what charges would/should be filed along with the probably consequence he would face. Most teens just dont realize that they could be charged with theft for something like this and there are fairly mandatory consequences if that should happen. In fact I think community service would be a requirement in the punishment in most cases and then of course it would go on his record as a juvenile. So your idea about having him participate in the "positive punishment" isnt far from what he would face if it did go through court from what I know. Dealing with just you would save him the stain on his record. I also like the idea of taking away driving privileges if he already has some.
I think you enforcing some sort of punishment is an important step in your relationship with your gf. the two of you sound very different in a lot of ways but if you choose to stay together it needs to be clear that you will be enforcing some sort of discipline in the house you live in should you ever live together. She would need to accept this about you or move on and raise him as she wishes alone or with someone else. My bf and I have very similar ideas about discipline where my son is concerned. Occasionally he will be slightly more severe than I am but mostly I chalk that up to him not falling prey to loving my son the way I do because I am his Mom. This is only natural. I know that sometimes I go soft because I just melt in my heart somewhere over my kid and I need someone around who can remind me of what the long term consequences are when and if I decide to slack off because I cant bear the thought of him being a bit uncomfortable. That is the challenge all moms and dads face really - dealing with the fact that to raise them properly there might be times where they are upset, uncomfortable, hate you temporarily and avoid you out of anger. My son is only 9 and there have been days where he is in trouble ( for fibbing or something along those lines) and dealing with punishment and not talking to me very much and it hurts my heart but my bf is there to remind me that we are doing right by him in drawing boundaries and making sure they stick. We are coparenting because otherwise living together would be a nightmare and he would pit us against one another somehow when he is older IMO.
hope this helps....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 9:51am

Hi Zen,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 10:05am

Zen, since he is not your son it is totally not up to you to suggest punishment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 10:52am

"then holy sh*t what a mess you'll have on your hands!"


HAHAHAHAHAHA



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 11:20am

Hi Zen,


Whoopie on the trip...lucky dog. Ok on to the juvenile delinquent in your relationship with the absent parent. Ummm not only should you do the scare tactic that city spoke of, community service at your earth day event "schlepping" crap-ol-a around but perhaps a preview of things to come for him. Say a visit to your local jail. When i was in HS many moons ago it was right around the time scared straight came out. The program where they bus delinquents to a a hardcore prison (in Jersey it was Rahway...very scary place. We didnt go there but a local smaller prison was enough for our school - and no i wasnt a delinquent it was part of sociology curriculum but it scared the crap out of me just the same) Anywhoo...this kid needs to be taught a lesson and if your relationship w/his mother is going anywhere then you have to be allowed to parent a bit, especially given the magnitude of his crime...yes CRIME. I dont mean to bash your gf by calling her absent but thats what she was/is. How can you expect anything from your children if you allow them to put them selves in this amount of danger and anyone else for that matter. He just got his license in Jan which equals seriously inexperienced. Would you be as calm as you are if he had hit/injured/killed himself/others? How would his mother have felt?

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