What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
What should I do?
33
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 10:24pm

This is one I would like your opinion on. Just a few hours ago the gf called to let me know that while we were in Italy her DS took my brand new Volkswagen Passat for a joy ride (without permission of course). Now his excuse was lame, clearly somewhat of a lie (wouldn't expect much different from a teen) and his apology was half hearted.

She asked me what to do, but didn't want to really hear my suggestion. I called her back and told her that I was not so angry but very, very disappointed and that I felt this was another example of him being irresponsible and NOT considering how his actions effect himself and his mom.

Now since I'm only the BF for a little over a year, I can't discipline him for his actions. So far all she has done is discuss it with me and not really heard what I said.

As the bf, what are my options here? How should she handle this?

Thanks for your considerations,

Zen.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 11:38am

I agree with Soonee. I would look at it if this kid was not the son of your gf then what recourse you have? Regardless, he is not your son, he is somebody's kid. She has chosen her way of parenting before you came into the picture with her. I doubt you can change that.

So what can you do about him? It looks like your options are what soonee has suggested, i.e. charge the kid with theft, accept gf's parenting, or leave the relationship.

Even though you say you don't want drama of your own making, it seems that you get what you wish for regardless huh?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 11:41am
I completely agree with you on most of your post but I do think that if they are going to continue and ever decide to live together, he will be in a postion where he would have to co-parent and with that comes disciplining a bit, right? Sometimes my DS is here with SYB and I am at rehearsal and he has my go ahead to discipline should something come up. I came home from rehearsal late on Sunday to find laundry done by my DS and his game system up in the kitchen on hold because he apparently fibbed about being busy with his science project when in reality he was playing a game. SYB caught him and swiftly took it away, enforced the completion of the science project and then issued a mild punishment of folding laundry. I was thrilled. We have talked though about what I consider to be ok for discipline and he is surely following my lead. We also have talked about what incentives to offer him when he is doing great and ways to celebrate his accomplishments so it isnt just discussion on bad stuff but we communicate a lot about how to raise him. his father is barely in the picture so I appreciate the participation more than I can put into words. I suppose the key is that we agree on 99% of it and I know he would never do anything that would go against how I am choosing to raise him.
Just as an aside - I think my son is RIGHT now presenting his science project to judges from NIH who are about to hear all about how we bought E coli and stored drool and then tested it to see if it could be used to fight it in a series of petri dish experiments. I wonder if they are going to have to fight really hard to not laugh. He is so cute. I told him I thought it was important to include in his presentation why he chose DROOL VS BACTERIA as his project this year. And he said ok kind of matter of factly and then added this sentence in his opening " I chose this project because Monty is my best friend and I have been wanting for months to have him help me with my homework. Finally he has!" HAHA.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 4:21pm

I agree with Soonee and Mark - especially given his age. You can take it or leave it at this point - it is not like the kid is 6 and in need of a dad or your supervision - he is a teen that is almost out of the nest and very set in his ways and probably a bit rebellious given his circumstances and their parenting standards and marital problems and divorce. I am appalled that she did not make the kid apologize and do something like wash and wax the car but that is me and I am not her.

Your idea of a positive outcome is most honorable, though, and maybe you can make that as a suggestion? But I doubt, from the sounds of the story, that this will be well received much less followed through. And that is probably making the matter worse in your eyes.

Is this the kid that had the drug problem a while back? My memory is fuzzy but I think I remember a story about him and her parenting from before. And that she was really in love with the boyfriend before you and posting about that on her myspace board?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 5:27pm

Hey little star,


You probably don't live very far from me, I'm on the jersey shore. You can smell the beach from my place. Yet you don't ever come to visit me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 5:47pm
Uhoh but now it just sounds ike you are parenting her and are grounding her for not properly parenting him. Are you going to take away her phone priveleges too?lol
Sorry, but it seems like she needs too much guidance to be an equal. I didnt follow your story before. I think when I got on board here you were at the tail end of some issue with her but I couldnt quite grasp it because I lacked the history so I am a bit out of the loop. Maybe that is good though because I am trying to be objective KWIM? I guess I just have to wonder - dont you want an equal? Someone who has their stuff together to really contribute something to your life and their own? I dont think she has her head quite screwed on straight and you raging on her doesnt serve as that special screwdriver ( athough you may want to pour yourself a screwdriver after this ordeal...lol remember those?) to fix her but rather just something to shame her and release your frustration at the fact that you are ill-suited.
There have to be more capable women out there for you. Do you need one to show up in order to move on? I think you might be better off on your own just being patient that the right woman is out there somewhere. But surely that isnt breaking news to you. So then, what gives?
It seems like this gf of yours needs constant shaping and correcting and surveillance - the amateur psychologist in me ( hey I have seen a couch or two! next session is scheduled for Friday to brush up on a few things actually:)....) wonders - if you searched yourself on this one, what do you think you are avoiding about you or your life by staying occupied with the watching, correcting and shaping of this woman? I have read the posters who say you enjoy the drama and while that might be true I think it is also true that you are escaping something by staying occupied by this. it is convenient. A calmer relationship would force you to reckon with a few things about you maybe and maybe you don't feel ready for that? but life is too short IMO for this... When you are with someone who has their life together it urges you to do the same or shines a light on the fact that you are messy in certain areas. When you are with someone who is less together than you even though it is annoying at times you are constantly in a mentor position where you can fake yourself into believing you DO have your life well in hand even if you truly dont. but you are only putting off the inevitable and avoiding your best life. Why do that?
Lilypie - Personal picture
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 6:21pm

My take on your situation is that even if you get your GF to mete out an appropriate consequence to her son for this particular instance,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 8:48pm

"When you are with someone who has their life together it urges you to do the same or shines a light on the fact that you are messy in certain areas. "


Excellent point!!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 8:56am

So, when are you coming to rescue me...


Hmmmm I think I need to rescue myself first...LOL


I get everything you are saying about not over-stepping your parenting boundaries but it seems shes just really lax on setting up some boundaries for her DS to begin with. I know you think it was only a "joy ride" but growing up at the jersey shore you know what joy rides were really like. I was no angel but no delinquent either and made my share of stupid choices believe me. When we all get together and talk about old times it makes me cringe now..I think more so because i have a DD of my own and it sickens me to know that karma can be a real b**** sometimes...LOL He needs a kick in the pants by someone. I dont know your history with her or how long you've been involved or where your relationship is going but mutual respect is key. And that respect should be between ALL parties involved in the relationship. So i think community service and earth day is an awesome idea...some yard work, house painting, hard labor... you know there are tons of farms in jersey how about a days labor???? I think that would wake him up LOL


M


PS My morning commute takes me along the coast every morning...dont you love living at the beach???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 10:22am

I

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 11:10am

"I sure hope she steps up to the plate now.


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