What to tell older kids .......
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What to tell older kids .......
| Sat, 01-24-2009 - 3:06am |
I was just wondering what those of you with older children tell them when you start dating? I know most people here say not to introduce children until it has been serious for 6 months or so, but I worry I am going to be out with someone & bump into my older children!! Dd is 20.5, ds is 18.5 & dd is 13. My youngest dd lives with me on alternate weeks, my eldest dd lives with her boyfriend & ds lives with xh. We all get on really well & see each other regularly.
I can't decide whether it is best just not to say anything until I am in a serious relationship, or to mention I have been out casually with a couple of men. I just want to lessen the shock value as much as possible!!
I can't decide whether it is best just not to say anything until I am in a serious relationship, or to mention I have been out casually with a couple of men. I just want to lessen the shock value as much as possible!!



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I wonder the same things too. The guy I am seeing right now lives right on the main shopping street of our town and my son (16) is always there hanging out, so if I go to see my friend or we go to a local restaurant, there is always the distinct possibility of my son seeing me!
It's been a couple of months now and I have only started mentioning things about this person. They don't even know his name yet. My son, I think, would be OK with some details, but my daughter is adamant that she wants to know nothing. She's 13, so I am not sure if it is raging hormones or anger.
He has told his daughters about me (one reason is for his personal use...he and his older daughter are going through a rough patch, and she wants to go to my alma mater so he used it as an opening to get her talking...don't think it worked).
I don't want to get into too much detail with my kids, as it has only been a couple of months. But at the same time, he is the only person I am seeing, and since he lives so close it is inevitable that some day we might actually run into him at a store or something.
So I guess I would say, let them know that you ARE dating and if you find you are with one particular person and you have decided to be serious, then introduce kids into the picture. As for a time frame, that is what works for you. In my case, if things progress as they have been, six months would be way too long. I might consider introductions in about two months (that would be the four month mark). But, to me, the key is whether or not you think this person is going to stick around for a while. Otherwise, I think it is too hard on kids to have people come in and out of their lives, especially if they like them.
My children don't live with me but I talk with them every night. We check in with each other and share our days. I tell them the people I see so as consequence they know I go out. I don't call these excursions "dating" or the women I went with as "dates." I have told them that I was going out with X. They are hardly ever curious beyond that.
I have come from a family that is a "don't ask, don't tell" or more accurately "don't tell, don't ask" approach and I guess I convey that energy even though it is not conscious. My children's mother is even more so like that. I think my kids have picked up on that and don't really ask anything more OR they are just not that interested in my life which may be more the case LOL.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Tracy,
Wouldn't that be crazy, running into the older kids while you are on a date.
Eyesopennow- Good luck with Cute Dad :o)
I live in quite a big city, BUT it's one of those places where everyone knows someone who knows someone else! LOL So even if I did not bump into my kids I could see myself bumping into one of their friends etc. I just don't want them to hear from a friend "I saw your Mum with a man at ...."
Startover96- I'm glad it's not just me worrying about seeing my kids when I'm out with someone! I think that's the key isn't it, only introduce them if it looks like it being a longer term situation.
Living in Adelaide, South Australia
CL of
~ Aussie & Kiwi Mums ~
Email me!
Tracy
Thanks Mark. You have such a good relationship with your kids. My kids know I don't have any single male friends & they know all my married ones, so any mention or sightings would definitely arouse their curiosity!
Laura- Your girls sound great!! If my older ones lived with me I probably would have mentioned it to them beforehand, but since they don't it's easy to avoid it! I THINK they would be ok with it, but I just don't know what they think on the subject. My girls were great when we separated but my ds was very angry for a while (a few weeks). During that time he told my youngest dd (she told me) if I got a boyfriend he would beat him up! ROFLOL He was 17 at the time & has bouts of extreme stupidity ;o) LOL
Like you I'm certainly not looking for a step Dad for my kids, it's about me- at last!! I just don't want them finding out I'm seeing someone & being upset, I'd rather forewarn them.
Living in Adelaide, South Australia
CL of
~ Aussie & Kiwi Mums ~
Email me!
Tracy
I think there is a BIG difference b/w most of the ages of the kids of the posters who responded to this thread (is THAT a run-on sentence or WHAT? lol) - & what we raelly mean when we talk about not introducing SO's too early on. I think if you've got kids over age 14 or 16 ish, & certainly 18+, there is NO reason at all for keeping it to that "6 month rule" or whatever your time frame is.
For me, the idea of not introducing someone to Averey b4 6 months or so - is not ONLY b/c she's such a PIA about even the THOUHGT of my dating, but I most certainly dont want her to get close to someone, & after so much loss & abandonment in her life by her Dad, to have her lose someone again, if we broke up.
I think kids of a grade-school age are WAY more likley to get attached, & get hurt by
Living in Adelaide, South Australia
CL of
~ Aussie & Kiwi Mums ~
Email me!
Tracy
My DD (13) is having a really hard time with me dating. But I think a lot of it stems from the fact that once her dad moved in with his girlfriend he basically stopped seeing her and talking to her on a regular basis. So for the first 6 months post-divorce he was pretty good about having her come to him or coming here. But for the past year I can count on one hand the amount of times he has seen her.
So I think, to her, me dating is going to mean another parent abandoning her. And she does approach me that way...every time I leave the house you would think I was never coming back. So in this case, while I feel she is old enough to know what is going on, I don't think she is ready to meet anyone. It's a hard thing to balance. I want to be free as a bird about this, but her anxiety really weighs on me.
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