what was I THINKING!?
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what was I THINKING!?
| Sat, 03-05-2005 - 9:25pm |
I spent a few hours in Barnes and Noble today and gave this a semi good read.
It clarified some things I've been feeling lately...since I started evaluating
that the guys I've wasted

I'm going to pick that book up because that has so been me before.
Thanks Candi - that sounds like it is worth a trip to B&N -
I agree that dating Mr. Inthemeantime is not good for us - we really have to find someone who digs us and who wants to settle down with one woman.
I am curious, Candi, did you hope for something more right from the beginning - or did you discover later on that they just didn't have what you want?
What do you mean by they weren't even close?
I think we all get in the boat of being overly optimistic because the idea of having a special person is so appealing - I think I have done that.
I was thinking more about your post today - and I was thinking that we all have to date like we have 8 more guys standing at the door - that is - that we should feel very special and expect to get treated that way or we don't waste our time. It is too easy to waste time with the wrong person.
Well, each case is different, and I've only had long term (more than a month or two) with two men. Many had red flags so obvious that there was not a second or third date. And you know I often ruled out men I met online before I met them.
The first long term was A - we both said up front that it was not going to be permanent, that we just needed someone at the time. I admit though, I did get emotionally involved and it hurt when it was over. Some things he said were not helpful either. I don't know if all guys would do this or not, but like AZ Tbone has said, he and his FWB have ruled out a permanent thing, so I assume there are concrete reasons.
Anyway A said things that sounded like he would have chosen me "if"...if I had been younger (because he couldn't imagine "losing" his soulmate at some point), stuff like that. That made it sound like I just didn't measure up. NOW...that did end up driving me crazy, and I broke it off, after seeing him off and on for 8 months. NOW I think I see that he is just not able to be with anyone, I've seen him go through a couple more girlfriends, one that he thought was the woman he wanted to spend his life with. So, I think he is just in fantasy land waiting for something perfect, but maybe he doesn't even know what it is. AND he doesn't have a lot to offer realistically, he has some real emotional problems due to issues with his mom and he's kind of a hermit and will never make more than 8 bucks an hour. (ANd, before anyone jumps me, I'm not being a money grubber, I'm being realistic. I hold myself to the same standard and have gone from 8 bucks an hour to 12 an hour, and I'm not finished moving up the pay scale yet, I'm not saying I have to have a millionaire, but I don't want to support someone or to have them have to support me.)
So, did I end up feeling I wanted more? I guess I did at some point, but I think it was an illusion I had let myself entertain. I wasn't really THAT into him either, in a realistic fashion. I look back and think "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"
And he wasn't even close to my ideal. He is a hermit (I'm a total extravert), he didn't want to get to know my kids, he was irresponsible (his mom bought him cars, still), he could barely pay his bills, and all this at 35. He was smart, but he didn't use it. I would have been supporting him, for the most part.
The second was Trav - We talked a LOT at first and saw each other 2 or 3 times a month in spite of his job. And actually he was the one who mentioned theoretical (now I see that as maybe a red flag if I run into it again, next time they'd better be talking real, not theoretical) questions about living together and marriage and his plans for retirement. So, yes, I did hope for more, and it could have happened. The problem was that I wasn't getting what I wanted in the meantime. And our communication got less, I think because he thought he "had" me and didn't have to work at it so much. So, he just wasn't giving me what I need. He was happy with the way it was, I wasn't. And someone who thinks they can "land" me and then not work at it is definitely not even CLOSE to the kind of relationship I want.
And, realistically, I can count off several men (ron, ron, chuck, aaron, ricardo, kevin) that I COULD be dating now, but I decided they were not what I want. So, that IS how I'm thinking about dating. I could be messing with Mr. wrong, or at least Mr. "I'm wasting my time"...but I am not going to do that. I have a life to live and things to do.
So, if someone wants to date me he'll have to make an effort to let me know. And I may say "no way"...
I usually have a list between 4-10 guys at all times, that I know, all I have to do is pick up the phone and they'd be here in two seconds flat. But, they aren't my style and I rather not date at all, then think I have to date them. And yes, I tell them that and sometimes, even worse, I tell them exactly why I won't, but they still stick around, because they say they rather just have my aquaintance if nothing else.
Sorry, I might sound shallow, but to me, if I want a relationship with one of these guys, then he has to somewhat turn me on. No matter how big his heart is, I've realized that I want someone that takes care of himself and has great charm. I have dated men that were soo ugly, but they were so sexy, because they were highly intelligent, had this wonderful charm, could talk to people, was sure of themselves and that is something I really like. Someone that doesn't have issues, is self confident and makes himself look great. Most of the men I could date, keep trying too hard. They keep telling me how much money they have, how strong they are (lol) or how irreplaceable they are for their work place. I don't care! Yet, when I go out in social public, they can't dress or act like they belong in public. So it might sound shallow, but I say this all the time. My job was something special in the hotel industry and it's starting to go in that direction again now, and when I am out for a company function or anything that requires you to hold a conversation and be gracious, then I want to have a well dressed, well mannered man on my arm, that can talk too. I've had the well dressed, awesome, gorgeous man, but then he'd open his mouth and I thought I would go under in shame. LOL. So, talking is important. LOL.
Soooo, I agree, act like you can afford to be picky. I do, it works. It kind of builds an aura around you that makes you irresistible. We all have heard, act like your not interested, then you never get rid of them? It really does work that way.