What Would You Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
What Would You Do?
8
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:56am

You meet a 38 yo man who is in the process of rebuilding his life. He has 2 children and currently works at Walmart; putting in for supervisory promotions although none have been offered to him. Just recently moved into an apartment from living in hotels and has a vehicle, the only thing he was able to pay off and maintain w/his 401K money as well as his living at hotels, etc. He lost a well paying job 2 years ago. You meet and exchange numbers. The first few dates are at his place, where you just sit and talk. His apartment is sparse (no furniture) and sleeps on an air mattress w/a television. You enjoy his company and you both like each other. It is obvious he is rebuilding his life and has NO money, cause he has told you so. The question is 1) would you date AND commit to someone like this; and if so 2) how much time would you give this scenario in seeing this man's progress?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:47pm

I would date a man that I liked and got along with. I'm not one to judge someone's finances, as mine are something of a mess, however, I would expect that anyone I date could take care of himself and any of his dependents, as I have my own dependents and life to take care of.
That being said, if it's obvious that he is trying to rebuild something, and you like him and he likes you, is there harm in enjoying each other's company and seeing where things go? Do you have to head into this with a time limit in place? If he doesn't get a couch within a month, is that truly a dealbreaker, if he's a genuine good guy, and you still enjoy his company? I would hate to be judged based on my possessions rather than my personality.
However, if it's not a lack of funds that is the problem, but the way he spends his, that could be a long-term deal breaker. I'm not sure I can answer this question honestly. I don't judge people based on what they own, but rather, who they are. What they do for employment doesn't make them who they are, but the type of employee they are can be a part of it. If he's honest, works hard, and is trying, who cares if he has a king sized bed with a pillow top and four sets of 8000 thread count sheets? That doesn't mean he's a good man, a good father, a good person in general. Of course, neither does the lack of material possessions, so I would go into it with an open mind and just see where it goes. You don't have to decide if you want to marry him today, but you don't have to not see him anymore, either.

Moody- full of opinions today


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:34pm

I do not expect a sugar daddy to buy me a fancy car or house or jewelry. I just want someone who can stand by my side and ADD to my life, not take from it. I would seek answers to these questions with regards to money:
- does he have what it takes to keep me safe with his spending and tax paying habits? Meaning, does he keep it legal with reporting and paying taxes? Does he stay within his means with regards to his spending versus buying and buying and incurring a boatload of debt? Does he save any money or just squander it away?
- does he have enough to keep me the same with regards to what I have now? Or does he have a whole set of life's issues that will drain me.

He can keep me the same, or help me improve, but he cannot take anything away. I am the major breadwinner for me and my son - and I don't ever want the security I have now taken away.

Really, given that situation, I would be tempted to say NEXT. But only you can answer that for yourself. Hopefully my own questions will help you sort that out in your mind and make the best decision for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:13pm

I probably would not give him a chance. I do not like fixer-uppers.

I'm careful with money and would expect my partner to have a similar attitude with money. If I lost my job---knock-on-wood---, I would find a way to get by without dipping into my 401(k). I would work two jobs if I had to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:20pm

If I met a man like that, we might date a little, but it wouldn't be anything long-term. I would date someone long-term only if I thought he was someone I could marry. Someone who clearly matches me in who he is, his education, his work ethic, his values towards his children (if he has any), his parents, his family as a whole. He would have to be someone I could be proud of, and who is proud of me back.

It doesn't have anything to do with what material things he has. But if I was dating a man who couldn't afford to take me out to the movies because he is still trying to pull himself out of a financial spot... then my opinion is that he just isn't in the right spot to be dating to begin with. Me or anyone else! I would think he should use the time to concentrate on himself and rebuild his own life first. Just like Moms with kids who are trying to get back on their feet after a divorce. It's just not a time to be dating, but a time to rebuild what your new family unit will be, and energies really do need to be going towards that (finding a good/better job, finishing school, buying a house, whatever the goals are).

I've learned with my failed marriage that I don't want to date or marry a man based on what potential I see in him. I can see ALL SORTS of potential in everyone, because I like to be positive that way. But I learned that I need to just go by what's REAL and what's there- not just hoping for potentials. Not everyone will have the same ideas of fulfilling potentials as I would want for them (how dare them!!! lol) and so I have to go by what THEY see their potentials are. And then to date long-term... it's not even about potentials or ambitions anymore, but what is REAL. What/who he IS is who I'd be dating, and if it doesn't fit, then we wouldn't date.

So that's question #1. As for question #2... why would YOU be the one to set a timeline for HIM anyway? He might pull himself back up in 6 months, or it might take years (as in finishing a degree)... and really- only you can decide that one. But it's not up to you to make HIM fit into any timeline. If it's not right for you, then you walk. If you can keep on holding on and wait... then you hold on and wait. His rate of progress is his own business, really. You can't love him into moving any faster. (another thing I learned about my failed marriage)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:28pm

"I've learned with my failed marriage that I don't want to date or marry a man based on what potential I see in him. I can see ALL SORTS of potential in everyone, because I like to be positive that way. But I learned that I need to just go by what's REAL and what's there- not just hoping for potentials. Not everyone will have the same ideas of fulfilling potentials as I would want for them (how dare them!!! lol) and so I have to go by what THEY see their potentials are. And then to date long-term... it's not even about potentials or ambitions anymore, but what is REAL. What/who he IS is who I'd be dating, and if it doesn't fit, then we wouldn't date.

So that's question #1. As for question #2... why would YOU be the one to set a timeline for HIM anyway? He might pull himself back up in 6 months, or it might take years (as in finishing a degree)... and really- only you can decide that one. But it's not up to you to make HIM fit into any timeline. If it's not right for you, then you walk. If you can keep on holding on and wait... then you hold on and wait. His rate of progress is his own business, really. You can't love him into moving any faster. (another thing I learned about my failed marriage)"

AMEN!!!! This is probably one of the smartest pieces of advice ever written on this board. If only we all had this a long time ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 5:42pm
Well said and I totally agree w/you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 6:32am
just remember - no slack no mercy no regrets!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:40am
It's not about being materialistic, it's about wanting a man who is emotionally developed. As everyone is saying, do you want to gamble on potential? He may end up being a stable, great guy, but at the moment your dating the guy he could be and guess what men don't have these struggles. They don't say, gosh she's a nice girl and she's going to the gym so I'm going to date her until she loses that twenty pounds. Don't feel bad about wanting a reliable, stable man. You're a grown woman and you deserve a grown man.