What would you do?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 3:42pm |
Okay, I am asking complete strangers because I believe people who know us are too close to be objective. If this gets long I apologize.
BF has a female friend that is like a sister to him (that's how they describe the relationship) He has known her for over 10 years. Since the first of the year she has been making snide comments to me about our relationship (BF & mine). Things like: he's p*ssy-whipped, his heads so far up your a$$, you guys talk on the phone all the time, I never thought he would have kids/be married before me (bf thinks of DS as his), he shouldn't put all his eggs in one basket, he hangs up the phone with me to talk to you etc etc etc.
I don't say anything because she is what I would call emotional and high maintenance. Today a co-worker/friend of BF's who is also a friend of mine said that he would bet every dollar he had they had slept together. He said he had known them for 9 years and he believes as some point they had.
I realize that you should not let others influence your thinking but at the same time it got me thinking. If they are like brother & sister why would she not be happy for us? Why would she say these things? To me she always sounded a bit jealous. I always just assumed it was because her relationship wasn't going the way she wanted. Her bf doesn't want to get married.
So here's the 1st question: Would you ask bf about the past? What would your reaction be to the answer if it was yes? He cannot lie to save his life, so IF I ask he will answer honestly.
2nd question: If you get a "no" the the above question or choose to not ask, how would you handle the friend?

Well, what would you gain from the knowledge? Is knowing one way or the other going to help you somehow? Isn't she still going to be his friend?
I think, for me, I wouldn't ask, because I wouldn't feel the need to. I also wouldn't feel the need to discuss my past relationships (platonic or otherwise) with my BF in detail.
That being said, I think this girl's actions are from jealousy. It won't help you much to know whether she's jealous because she did sleep with him, wanted to, or is simply put out that he's got a girlfriend now and isn't emotionally "there" for her like he was when he was single, or maybe she's just jealous because her own life isn't going as well as his.
It might not be anything romantic, and it doesn't really matter what the cause of her actions, what matters is how you deal with it. What does your BF say? I'm assuming that since this is actually his friend, he probably either doesn't see it or she's not like that when he's around, since that's usually how women like that are. If that's the case, I think you should let him know what's been going on. Do it without blame, and without casting stones. It can be a simple thing, like, "It bothers me when Jane talks about how whipped you are. It's like she doesn't see how happy we are. As our friend, I wish she could be happy for us." You aren't accusing her of anything, just making a statement about your feelings.
If he's truly clueless to her actions toward you, you should clue him in. If he isn't, he should be a stand-up guy. You're his girlfriend, she's a buddy. None of his male friends would be allowed to disrespect you, right? Why should his female friends?
Bottom line, though, I wouldn't ask him, since in this case, knowledge is NOT power, and will get you nowhere. Knowing whether they slept together isn't going to fix the problem, which is the way this girl is treating you, for whatever reason.
JMHO.
Powered by CGISpy.com
After all the great advice everyone's given me, there's finally something I can relate to and opine about!
You didn't say how often this girl acts like this, but if it's only when the two of you are alone, I would just avoid being alone with her. Just because she's good friends with your boyfriend doesn't mean she automatically has to be your new best friend.
If you trust him, it shouldn't be a problem.
Powered by CGISpy.com
I would not speak to that girl anymore - I would either change the subject or walk away. It would be very clear that I do not want to hear HER opinion on the matter and that it was not up for discussion.
She will just have to get over it.
I don't think you should involve yourself in her drama or worry about the past and what she did with your BF.
I think it is a toss up regarding what you should say to your BF about her - I am always very leary about exs and would not want to fuel a fire or anymore drama.
I agree that you should bring up the way this girl talks to you to your bf in a non confrontational way.
Thanks everyone.
I realized that knowing about the past isn't going to change anything between my bf and I but it would change how I felt about her and how she "handles" me.
I think the best approach is to wait until she says something again. We are both in a class on Monday nights and this is where she typically says these things to me. Other than that class I never hang out alone with her. She is a gossip who likes to talk trash about others so I don't enjoy hanging out with her.
I figure she will say something "snarky" and I will probably just tell her that it bothers me that she speaks/thinks so low of KP and ask her to stop. If it doesn't, he will just have to hang out with her without me.
IMO, I think this girl is jealous of you and your BF. She is only 'jabbing' you when you are away from him, and who knows, she could be doing this to sabotage your relationship with him. (kind of like my best friends wedding sort of thing)I agree with the others about not talking to your BF about his past with her, that won't change anything.
This girl has 'red flag' all over her, and after your first paragraph, it was crystal clear, to me anyway, that she is wicked jealous of you. I would tread carefully around her.
I agree with "She's just going to have to get over it" too.
I have 4 main guybestfriends who I can share things with and get open honest from. Never, EVER would I treat their girlfriends like this. I would be/am thrilled to hear about any girl that they are dating and long to make her feel as comfy as possible into our little circle. She is DEFINITELY jealous. You are taking her "spot" in her eyes and she just doesn't like it.
If he's been best friends with her for this long, he probably knows EXACTLY what kind of person she is and expects this kind of behaviour from her. I would just ignore anything she says and not take it to heart. She's only trying to sabotage your happiness (and his) for her own. If you break it off with him, who will he go crying to? You got it. and she knows it.
She just is uncomfortable with someone else getting their arms around "her" guy. Whenever she says anything about him, I would do the same thing as (I think) Alison said "I can't believe you would talk like that about him, isn't he your best friend?"
And how does he speak of her? That will totally burn her up, but force her to feel a bit guilty and stupid for acting so childishly in the long run. Then maybe she'll just leave you alone!!
Hang in there, especially if he's worth it!!
--snow