What Would You Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
What Would You Do?
6
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:06am

Greetings board... Please forgive the cross posting, but I found multiple boards where I thought this message may apply.

I'm very much in need of advice and really don't know where else to turn... Here's some quick background... I was married for seven years, the wife had an affair and I divorced her. We share custody of our two children.

So now to my question... I've met a woman with whom I've fallen completely and totally in love. We both talk often about the way we feel and how neither of us has ever known love like this... But my apprehension is this... I never cheated on my wife while married and it's just something I know I would never do. My new girlfriend, however, had multiple affairs while married. She wasn't happy in her marriage and has a lot of scars from a less than pleasant childhood.

So now I'm torn as to what to do... I have never in my life met someone that I feel more compatible with... but I have this lingering fear that I'm setting myself up to be hurt. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would end up with someone who has done the same thing to someone else as my ex-wife did to me. And I think I can safely say that the devastation of divorce, especially with young children involved, is probably the toughest time I ever went through in my life.

My g/f lives with a lot of guilt and she didn't sit down and tell me "everything" until we had been seeing each other for about a month. At that point she said she needed me to know "everything" because she didn't want any secrets between us and that she didn't tell me right off the bat because she wanted me to get to see her for who she is and not judge her from her past... I can see the guilt she lives with and she cries about it often. I told her about my apprehension about getting involved with her and told her that I think she needs to see a counselor in order to better deal with this feelings of guilt. She agreed and has been going for several weeks now.

I guess what I want to know and what I'm asking everyone is... should I give someone a chance even though they've made mistakes? I know people aren't perfect and we've all done things we regret, but when it comes to infidelity, statistically does there tend to be a reoccurring pattern?

She says she's never met someone like me who wanted to get to know her and help her deal with her past... She says most guys have always been just looking for sex... I do care about her deeply and could see a future with her... she has a daughter the same age as one of my daughters and they are close friends.

I guess after being betrayed in marriage, I just don't want to set myself, or my kids, up to being hurt again, especially with someone with a known pattern of infidelity. I think I'd rather be alone and not get hurt than to love again if I thought there was a good probability of it ending in another painful divorce.

Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:17am

Hello and welcome to our board,

As a single parent I can totally understand your concern. I would feel the same way.

How long have you known this girl? I guess I am trying to see if you are in the initial stages of passion to have these feelings or if this is something you have built over time.

My opinion is that she has to deal with her past before she can have a future. She has to get herself into counseling to deal with the past abuse of her childhood. And to see why she became unhappy in her marriage and why she dealt with that with multiple affairs.

Once she does that, which will take time, I would recommend that you do the same. You have to find out why your marriage went unhappy and you have to heal from what your wife did. Plus I would think that more couples counseling is in order for you two initially and over time to keep you okay.

I would stress time and education in your case - do not rush into anything. You are right to be concerned, especially with children in the picture.

Good luck and keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 11:51am

It's a red flag that she wants you to help her with her past.

You sound like a great guy, but one who is attracted to women that he'd like to rescue. She had multiple affairs in her marriage. She might want to be "good" with you, but women with serious problems like infidelity will revert to their old patterns when life happens. Life creeps into every relationship. The high emotions of early love fade quickly (especially when step children are in the mix).

There are women out there who are by their very nature, loyal and monagamous. If you want to do yourself a favor, and your kids, look for a woman like that. She may not be flashy to look at (girl-next-door), but might be really hot one-on-one.

I'm one of those loyal types and I've found my match with my current BF. Two loyal people getting together is bliss. Yeah, the drama is missing...if you like that sort of thing. I'm at an age when I don't want the roller coaster ride anymore. Give me passion without heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:05pm

Close the chapter. This woman WILL break your heart.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 2:59pm

I was married 9 years and near the end I cheated. There was a lot going on in my marriage and I will save you hearing the whole story. The bottom line was that we were completely wrong for each other. I have spent time in counseling and I know what I wish I could have done differently. I know in my heart that given the same set of circumstances (if that is even possible to end up in that position again) I would make a different and a much better choice. Cheating did not solve my problems and only made ending the marriage harder by creating a whole new set of really big problems to go with the existing ones. But me knowing in my heart I would never cheat again is different than someone else believing me. I feel the same as your gf, it's important to be honest. Anyone that will accept me has to know my past and what I have learned by making those horrible mistakes.

I agree your gf needs counseling, she also needs time. You don't want to rush into a relationship with her, you want to give her time to figure this out and come to her own conculsions on why she made the choices. You should not commit to her until she can answer the question of why and what she would do differently if she could do it all over. Those are not easy answers and it should not be as simple as stating she is sure she would not do it again. If she is upset about it, and truly regrets her actions then I think there is hope for her and hope for the relationship (if she was blaming her spouse and excusing her behavior, then I'd say run for the hills). It also might help to go to counseling as a couple, it might give you more comfort that this won't happen in your relationship. I do agree with the other poster that you should not be the one helping her through this, that is the counselors job. You can be supportive, but this is something she has to do on her own and you'll have to give her some space to do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:37pm

Dear Guy w/a Q,


I don't think statistics answer your question.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:14pm

I don't believe in statistics when it comes to relationships, but I can give you my opinon as to what I would do. I would give her the chance, if she truly feels badly for her past experience and has learned from the pain that it has caused, she probably won't do it again. Counseling is always good, especially if she is dealing with a lot of issues, just to keep he relationship healthy.

I think you should take things slowly with her because she does have a past. The fact that she was honest about it is good, but you have to look at what she is bringing to the relationship. If everything was great and you both were happy until she brought this up, you shouldn't judge her for it, because she obviously shared her past with you because she trusts you.

If she is just looking for you to "fix" her then I wouldn't waste my time, because you can't fix someone they have to fix themselves.

I would follow my gut instinct, if your having doubts already you always will. Just keep in mind there are a lot of women out there who have never been unfaithful and you deserve to feel secure in you relationship and so do your children.

Best of Luck
Stef