What Would You Do?!?

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
What Would You Do?!?
31
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:35pm

Hi ladies... still getting settled in here and having trouble setting up a reliable internet connection, so please forgive my sporadic posting, but here goes:


While I'm in VA, exbf is supposed to be taking care of DS.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 8:35am

If you want total control then you have to have DS with you (with a nanny) all the time or have him go to your parents. But if you let him go to exbf then you have to accept the way that exbf does things.

In the scope of things, and as long as this is not on a full time, all the time basis, I think it is okay for DS to be with his dad - that is quality time - hopefully - and there is no one else like dad. As long as his physical wellbeing is not in jeopardy, I would not sweat it.

You cannot put your own set of values on your exbf. I do agree with you - but this is the way that it is.

Just watch and see and listen - you will know by your DS's voice and demeanor how he is getting along.

Hopefully your exbf adds many things to his life and they enjoy their time together. Try to be nice/accepting to the gf because she is stepping in as psuedo mom in a sense and it is better for your son if the two of you can talk somehow.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:31am

I would not have used him as a babysitter at all or let him be in my place. It's too late to change that. You kind of put a plan into motion and I think you need to roll with it. Your ex is not going to do things the way you do (i.e. sleepovers). He'll do whatever he wants with his time. Being a jerk father is still permissable under the law.

My son never sees his dad, except for the court-ordered visitation. I would never use him as a babysitter either. That would be one big headache. I don't even let my ex step a toe into my house with me being there.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:43am

Well, what are your options, really? I know it's maddening, but you can't dictate your ex's bad morals and example in front of your ds, as long as he's not breaking any laws. If you have somewhere else to put DS for that length of time, and have him STILL be in a

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:44am

Being a jerk father is still permissable under the law.


Sad but true...

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:07am

I don't think it makes him a jerk or says that he has bad morals that he has his gf sleep over. When I asked on this board about my bf sleeping over, I got a mix of responses. Some said they wouldn't do it, some said they did it and most said it was a personal decision. I don't recall anyone saying I was a jerk ex or that I had bad morals.

I think the bottom line is that the rule you want to have isn't a rule you can enforce. When children have parents that live apart (and sometimes even when their parents live together) the children get different messages about what is acceptable and what is not. It's your job to teach your son what you think is right, and his father's job to teach him what he thinks is right. It's your son's job to grow up and decide for himself.

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:11am
When the "jerk dad" comment was made, it was WAY less to do with the fact that he was having a sleepover and MOSTLY (from my POV) to do with his track record. His DS likes him, but he doesn't really have any true parenting skills. Mandi always ends up with a lot of "undoing" to do when her ds gets back from extended stays with his bio dad. THAT is the sad but true part... (just clarifying)
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:18am
Ok, thanks for clarifying. I obviously don't know the history. But it does seem that having ds be with his father, regardless of parenting skills, is right now benefitting Mandi in that she needs his help. So some amount of his jerkiness has to be tolerated. At least he's willing to be there for his son, even if he's not the best parent. To me that says a lot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 10:44am
The jerk father thing was something my lawyer said to me. I really resented it at the time because I was trying to limit visitation as much as possible. It's a hard thing to come to terms with.
Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 03-29-2005 - 9:10pm

I hear ya on the jerk father comment... I don't mind the mix of responses either because quite frankly if all I wanted to hear was my own opinion, then I'd just run with my plan.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:28am

I did want to tell you that I understand your frustration over your ex and DS's behavior at school. I'm kind of in the same boat. My son is in kindergarten this year. He was kicked out of one school after 6 days...yes, 6 days. He poked the teacher in the butt with a pencil. Not a serious injury at all (did not break the skin), but schools take zero tolerance to the extreme.

He's in another school now and he's been suspended once for hitting a kid. He's been sent to the principal's office one other time for some kid hitting him and he hit back. Every day, I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear how his day went.

Yes, I blame my ex for the behavior problems. I start thinking....if only he didn't have to keep that visitation schedule with his dad, then things would be better. My son has a lot of trouble transitioning between the two households.

But, I think this is just our situation. This is what we have to deal with. Being a single parent is hard. Kids having to adjust to rules at two different places is hard. We'll make it though.

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