What Would You Do?!?
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What Would You Do?!?
| Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:35pm |
Hi ladies... still getting settled in here and having trouble setting up a reliable internet connection, so please forgive my sporadic posting, but here goes:
While I'm in VA, exbf is supposed to be taking care of DS.


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I agree with you, too, Bec.
I haven't lived that - but my ex did, and my niece has, and I know what it has done to them both.
My niece's sperm donor (who doesn't deserve the title dad in the least) started acting interested in her again last year. He picked her up to spend a fun filled weekend with her. Except that he didn't spend it with her. He dropped her off at his house with his girlfriend's daughter and their newborn and informed her she would be in charge and left. After she called his sister - who came over and helped her with the kids all weekend (her sperm donor and girlfriend were no where to be found) and then told him she wouldn't be babysitting anymore - she hasn't heard from him since. That was in August of 2004.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
My ex was always "uninvolved" with our kids. Even during our marriage. He did occasionally "babysit" them on a Saturday morning so I could go look for clothes for them at garage sales. And he DID babysit, he did a BAD job of it, too.
The kids weren't dressed, or cleaned, they were just barely fed...he'd give them a cup of dry cereal and plunk them in front of cartoons. He usually did something else and I usually came home to someone crying. Even now, they're older...when they're with him he doesn't do anything with them. They read or something in their rooms...he doesn't have a clue.
>>>Have either of you had kids who were promised a visit and then spent all evening waiting around bummed out for a dad who had better things to do than pick up a phone and say "I am not going to make it"? Do you have ex's who show up for their parenting time one out of every 3 times (When it's convienent for them) and then drop the kiddos off early enough so they can still go out and party?<<<
No, and that is why I'm saying if calling your child's father suits you and seems appropriate, do it. My father did show up when he was supposed to (not often, we saw him once annually from the time I was 5 until about the time I was 8, I think). He did call every Sunday (except during the year he was in the mental institution). I can't imagine the pain a mother goes through when her child is looking forward to seeing dad and he doesn't show - that is about as heart breaking as it gets I imagine. But I have needed my father to be there more times than I could possibly count, and he just isn't and he has caused me more pain than anyone else ever has. To me calling him a babysitter would be like calling him my aunt or something, it's not what he was.
And anyways my point was that often times VERY GOOD fathers are called babysitters just because society perceives them to be less important. IMHO that is soooo wrong. My father and my mother were not the same, my ex and I are not the same, but that does not in any way shape or form mean my father was less necessary in my life or that my ex is less important to my dd. That is what I think people are getting at when they call a father (and I'm talking about even the good one's) a babysitter... they are saying he is less important. And I think there is a general belief out there that fathers are not as important, not as necessary as mothers. That is just not true. Whether your father or mother are there for you or not, that impacts a child a great deal. If someone grows up without a babysitter, without aunts and uncles, without grandparents around, that will not impact their emotional health and well being the same as having an involved or an absent parent will.
I am sorry for bringing up bad memories. That was not my intent.
Your son's sperm donor is much more difficult of a case than my ds's dad. That is so heart breaking when they don't show.
My exh is usually late - but I do try to make light of it and we count on that. Of course exh pulls annoying stunts. Like travelling for 2 weeks and only scheduling 10 hours of a visit when it is convenient for him. He is so selfish. That is why we are divorced!! :-)
BUT I have come to expect/accept bad behavior from exh. It cost me $100 per hour at the shrink to learn to manage my expectations. I also pay a fortune in babysitting so I can have my freedom and not count on my ex for ANYTHING.
I don't talk bad about exh to my son. I always say that his dad does the best that he can.
And really that is it - they do do the best that they can - it is not the same as us - but it is their best and it is what they want to do. It is better that they are in their life than not.
Yes, that is what I was saying. I didn't even know it was an issue until recently. It came up because my ex and I had a huge fight (our only real fight since we separated and divorced) when the school called me and it was his week with dd. The fight boiled down to he didn't want to be thought of than less of a parent than me just because he's dad and I didn't want to be considered a part-time mom so he could feel like a 1/2 parent. I want to be mom all the time, even though my dd lives with him 1/2 the time (meaning the school can call me anytime they feel like it).
This spurred the discussion with my therapist and his feelings on being called his children's babysitter when he's alone with them.
My dad was a weird combination of really bad father and semi-responsible father. He always paid child support on time and agreed to more support than he would have been made to pay under state law. He always called on Sundays. He never missed a visit (although when you are taking your children once per year for 2 months, it's hard to miss that) except when he was locked up in the mental instituation. He also left my sister alone so he could go out at least once (he didn't believe in babysitters), my mom doesn't know how long she was alone, she was 4 and couldn't tell. He also did drugs in front of us. He also killed himself which to me was the ultimate abandonment.
I just don't think of our time with him as babysitting. We spent time with him because our parents agreed we'd live with mom 10 months of the year and dad a couple months in the summer, unless of course when that was physically impossible, and after the stunt that got him committed to the mental instituation, when my mom no longer felt safe with us around him very long.
And anyways my point was that often times VERY GOOD fathers are called babysitters just because society perceives them to be less important.
I 100% completely agree. It is horrible. Jas would NEVER EVER allow himself to be "babysitting" our son, or our new child when he/she shows up. Never.
I
PERFECT - You have done the very best that you could do and then some.
Although we do want to rage about the bio-dad, we know it won't change anything and it is painful for our sons/daughters.
Your explanation is right on - very very good!!
I think, too, that we cannot rule out the possibility/probability that although a bio dad might not be in the picture enough when they are young, they may be there in some way when our children are older. You just never know the twists and turns that life takes. People that seem insignificant or troublesome now can turn out to be so good later on for whatever reason.... and visa versa. So it is best to inflict no negativity/pain on this type of relationship and to just pray for the best.
I think I saw/felt this recently when my sister was here. I am not really getting along that well with her - but I don't fight or argue - I do set my boundaries and just let things be. Anyway, I realized that if something happened to me I would be grateful that my exh is there for my son - because he would be the best advocate - even much better than my sister.
I have a very VERY difficult time with this possibility. I try not to think about it. Don't know that I'll ever be prepared. I have been told boys almost ALWAYS, regardless of past circumstances, want to look their dad's up. Usually some time in their mid to late teens.
I know Jason would support Tyler in this. I know it would be VERY hard for me to, but I'd have to find a way. I think I'd just be honest and say "This is very hard for me. For now, I think I'll be uninvolved and let you do this. I hope you understand"
That's how I feel right now, anyway. But you're right. We do NOT know what turns there are in the road...
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