What would you do if I sang out of tune
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| Wed, 05-23-2007 - 8:54am |
would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key. Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends, mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends, mmm gonna try with a little help from my friends....
So, everything's fine, nothing major happening in my life. funnyguy is still great, and I guess I just need to ramble here for a while.
The man is amazing- he treats us well, listens when I say something, even in passing, and pays attention. He's supportive but not pushy, helpful but doesn't get mad when I don't want his help...
The only issue I have is that since things are so incredibly easy with him, it's very hard not to fall into insta-family mode. The princess had her birthday last week, and I purposely scheduled her party for when he'd be at work. It happened to be my only day off, but I did it early in the day instead of later when he could be there.
She calls him her best friend, and while he's a good sport- in fact, I think he loves it, it's a little unsettling for me. I know she especially is attached- he's the only man in her life outside of my father who is very ill. Being a six year old's hero is no small order, and while I think he's a wonderful role model and displays NO behavior I wouldn't want around my children, I also worry that this is very sudden.
Last night was open house at school, and the kids both asked for him to come. I told them he was busy, and he did come over for dinner afterward. He had added the training wheels to the princess' new bike, and she was over the moon about that. Droid spent a lot of time showing off his bike riding skills, and then wanted to sit next to funnyguy while we ate.
They both asked him to say goodnight when it was bedtime- normally if he's here when they go to bed, I go in each room, hug and kiss and tuck them in, and it's not a big deal to anyone. Last night, they both wanted a hug from him, too. He knows I don't want to rush things, and he knows I don't want my children so involved that we become some type of instant family.
He's very good about asking me what I want, and while deep down I DO want him to be involved, as involved as he'd like to be, I also feel that not involving him in everything will keep us from expecting him to be around, taking him for granted, or anyone getting burnt out on the relationship.
I know, though, that this is the man I could spend forever with. Obviously the two of us haven't really said that to each other, but I feel like he's everything I've ever wanted. He has said much the same to me. So, I don't know how to not worry about it and just let whatever will be, be... I feel like even though I love him, and know he loves me, I still have to hold something back, just in case.
A couple of things have happened recently that made me see that this is the real thing, and not just some passing fancy on either side.
The princess had a couple of helium balloons that she let go of inside, and they were sucked into the ceiling fan. I have twenty feet ceilings in my living room, so there was nothing I could do but shut the fan off. When funnyguy came over, he immediately went outside, got a ladder and untangled the balloons. He didn't complain, didn't pop them, though that would have been easier, didn't cut the strings, just patiently untangled them from the fan, took the ladder back outside, and told the princess not to let them go in the living room. Any other guy I know would have not done it at all, would have popped the balloons and/or cut the strings, or would have chastised both me and the princess for letting them get all tangled in the first place. I didn't even ask funnyguy to get them down- he simply did it.
Another thing- I have a TON of pictures, both digital and print, and wanted to make a DVD montage for my parents. I mentioned this to him yesterday, and when he got here, he came with blank DVDs, his digital camera and zip drive, and spent three hours taking pics of my prints and sending them to my computer, figured out my program, and helped me choose songs to play with them. We aren't done with it by any means, but this is going to mean so much to my parents, and it would have taken me weeks to do what we got done in a couple of hours with his help. We were up late, and he had to be at work early this morning, so I know he probably would have been sleeping if he weren't helpng me, and finally I said "let's just stop here, it's getting late." He never complained, never wanted to stop, and would have kept going if I hadn't said let's stop.
We have half-planned our summer vacations together, we're going to his cousin's wedding in August and I'm also taking a week off in July, and we've planned to do a couple days' camping and amusement park with the kids then. I got an invite for my cousin's wedding- local and earlier in July, and his name was on it too. That sort of threw me for a loop. Friends of mine are throwing a graduation party for their son, and automatically included him in the invite. I love it, but at the same time, I'm a little thrown off guard by it. It's been so long since I was part of any couple, having a man I can count on, who my friends like and who is just a good guy is strange for me.
Nothing is moving too fast for me, exactly, it's just that seeing him here, having him here, makes me yearn for the whole picture. I'm completely happy on my own, and enjoy my life as a single person. I enjoy it more with him there, though. I like knowing he's coming over, or we're going to dinner, or hanging with friends. I like knowing if there's a tedious little chore, he'll do it before I ask, without me asking, and only stop if he thinks I'm going to be upset by him helping.
The concern for me, I guess, is that the more used to him I become, the more familial we are, the more I count on, lean on, trust him, the harder I fall for him, the scarier things will be.
I don't know how to express exactly what it is I'm feeling- thrilled that things are going so well, and thrilled that finally I'm with someone I can be proud of and do see a future with- someone with the same values, morals, goals... and yet, under all that happiness is a worry that I'm going to push for too much, too soon. I am consciously trying not to make us an instant family, yet he seems to love the way the princess adores him and Droid looks up to him. I know he loves them, not because they're my kids, but because they are who they are.
How do I stop freaking and let it be? Or should I be letting things be? Should I be pushing him back to just casual dating, no involvement with the kids or the rest of my life for a while? I don't honestly want that- I've done casual dating, and the reason it didn't work is because I'm not a casual type of person. I know we haven't been dating long in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes, it's just oh, so right.
Sorry this got so long, guess I needed to ramble more than I thought I did- advice, opinions, support, criticism, ladies??
Moody, taking a deep breath now

I think a BIG key here is that you're not just thinking of things all by yourself and assuming things about him or you as a couple. I think it's big that you have both talked about it and seem to be on the same page. He isn't being dragged into the position he is in, and he doesn't seem to be freaked that the kids are 'after him' as much as they have been lately. You're not shoving him into any certain spot in your family unit, but yet there he is, willingly. And I sense that he would probably back out a bit if you should ask him to- and be okay with it.
I totally love the little things that he does for you (and the kids) that actually add up being something big. I'd be a bit scared of starting to depend on him too- I totally get your doubts on that part. But at the same time, I hear ya on how easy it is, and how natural it has developed. I say Go with it! The fears you have are based more on fears of the past with other people, not history with him. History with him shows that things are stable and solid and trustworthy.
I'm thrilled for you, and I'm almost ready to hear you announce some more permanent plans before the end of the year! But really... I think you can just let things flow just as they are.
~shrimpy, on track too- just a much slower one
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Moody!!! Yeah!! This all sounds so good to me! I like everything you write about him.
Okay - if I was you - I know I would feel the same way. I would be happy and yet scared.
The only advice I can give - is that you should draw a line in your mind about what is the difference between a fully loving and committed relationship and marriage. And keep it. Because that way he won't just take you for granted - he will want to marry you!
I guess I mean to say that I would not have him spend the night all the time because of the kids. Sure, it is a bummer and hassle for him to go home. But that is the line. I think kids make this part easy for us.
I do agree with slipping in the birthday party on your day off while he is working. Just keep doing stuff like that to keep it a little separate.
I really don't think you are going to have worries with this one after reading the balloon story. That is the most simplest of things but speaks volumes and yards for his patience, ability to fix things around the house and selflessness.
Just keep 'em honest, girlfriend. Keep him on his toes. Keep it fresh. I guess that usually means a little distance - not too much time. That is sort of what I am doing, too. You have to speak your mind about your needs and make them respect you.
As usual - great advice - I especially like this part:
"I say Go with it! The fears you have are based more on fears of the past with other people, not history with him."
Isn't that true for all of us! I know I have ghosts in me, too.
Moody - just keep making history and it will all fall into place- he will keep feeling more and more right.
<>
Shrimpy, you are exactly right. This really hit the nail on the head. What an eye-opener!
I'm not afraid funnyguy's leaving, or not into me, or has a problem with my children. Not at all. That's just memories and past history rearing its ugly head. He IS stable and solid and trustworthy, and I needed that reminder.
Thank you, thank you!
Moody, calmer now, but with that song stuck in her head
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Judy, funny you should mention speaking my mind about my needs- this is what I do. I am always telling him (and everyone, really) what i want, what my plans are, what I think. I'm pretty good at compromising when needed, but with funnyguy, his plans are usually so similar to mine that there really aren't many compromises.
I was a doormat once, and I felt horrible about myself. that will NEVER happen again, and I think part of what attracts funnyguy to me is my ability to be an independent person, be happy whatever I'm doing, and the fact that I don't expect him to fix my life.
My life doesn't need fixing, I'm content. That's attractive to anyone. When he does do the little things- the balloons, the training wheels, grabbing a pizza when I've had a long day- I am appreciative, and its genuine. I haven't ever been with anyone who wanted to take care of me, so I am not high maintenance and will never expect him to.
Meanwhile, finding little things to do for him is fun, too, and I feel valued because he doesn't expect it and is truly appreciative also. Last night I was rubbing his back as he was dealing with all of the pics, and he was so pleasantly suprised, it made me want to keep doing it, even though I started because I wanted to- making each other happy is making us happy individually, and that's something that was always lacking before.
In the past, when I tried to make a partner happy, it was out of some misplaced sense of martyrdom or because I felt like I was supposed to. With funnyguy, the little things we do for each other make US happy, too. It's an odd and yet blissfully happy state of being.
Ack- sorry I got off on a tangent here, just having a vent, think, analyze day, I suppose!
Moody, who has decided to run with this happiness
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Moody - What a fabulous post. Your life with funnyguy sounds very very comfortable. You sound like you are on cloud nine and all of the stars have aligned. That must feel so good and yet, as you mentioned, a little scarey too. I am sure that after being on your own for so long, and being happy as a single mom who had to fend for herself, it is a little unnerving to think of all of that changing. But....as you know...it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It's a risk that we all have to take.
Funnyguy sounds like a really great person - just like Shrimpy's Hiker. He seems to be totally in tune with your needs which is pretty incredible. Funnyguy seems like a pretty safe bet to me. I think you have done a good job of just letting the relationship happen.
I don't think going back to dating casually is really option. You just have to open your heart and let the love come in.
Sweet serenity....
Rose
Somehow I don't think you are going to have to do much to keep this one going and happy - you are on the right track!!
Keep us posted - we always love your fun song updates!!
Rose, you're right about going back to casual dating.
I think the biggest part of what makes funnyguy and I click so well is that we ARE on the same page- neither of us has any interest in others, and we're both working toward a committed future.
I don't expect or want or need any promises from him- his actions are loud and clear- and I don't give any because my actions are saying the same thing.
i am going to just enjoy this, continue to do what i'm doing, and if he becomes more entrenched in our lives, it will be because he was meant to.
Moody, deciding to live in the moment
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I love it, Moody!
That what I think is part of what makes it work. You're not saying "I'll be happy when we're married" or "I'll feel better about this once xyxy happens" or whatever. I sense that you are just simply HAPPY and there is no specific goal in mind that will get you there. And I think that is a HUGE part of what is making things work for you guys. He doesn't sense from you that he has to jump through hoops to try to make you happy. And so the 2 of you are able to just relax and flow and JUST BE... and you're both happy.
That's one thing about Hiker and I that surprises me. In comparing us to my relationships in the past, there were always this "I'll be happy when..." thing going on with the past. But with Hiker... I just love how things ARE and I'm already happy with things. If they continue to grow and develop, then that's what happens. But in the meantime, we're already happy with things and there is nothing to force or change or fix. It's amazing how that just works out! And I'd decided a long time ago, that with Hiker, I'm just happy with each day I get with him. If I realize one day that it ended up being the rest of our lives, then all the better! But I just go day-by-day and each day is another day together and it IS enough.
~shrimpy, living in the moment as well
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<