What would you do? SIngle father/mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
What would you do? SIngle father/mother
2
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 8:04pm
Her is the setup... I'm a single dad with a full-time son age four. MOther just can't do the full-time thing anymore not for her (she was too young). My son us use to going from my house to her house since he was born (the mother and i were never really dating). He is and isn't attached to both familys (mother/father). I have been talking and seeing everyother week this girl from LA (I'm from Sacramento). Her and I want to get married we want to be closer to eachother. I have spent the summer in LA last year to get to know her better and It went wonderfully. Her son is 4 year old loves my son and calls him his best friend. He loves me and like me more then his dad since his dad isn't in the picture much at all. THe girl from LA lives withe her parents and is considering moving out of her parents house. My suggestion was to move to Sac since her and I could live together and or I would just pay her rent. She is hisitent since she has never lived out of LA and her son is attached to her family yet she will have to move away from her family. We both don't want to move on since we like eachother so much. So, what would be the best situation? My son has a right to see his mother cuz his mother is in his life twice a week. My family is in Sac. Would be a shame to dump this since I know I won't find anything better then her. BTW I'm 28 dated many girls and a good looking guy so I know what I can get and what is out there. She is also a very good looking girl with a great personality and has dated my men (24). Not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 10:31pm

Hi there. I think if you want to plan a wedding, you'll most definitely have to figure out how to live with one another. It's obviously a sacrifice one of you will have to make. Since she lives with her parents, her son is obviously very attached to them.

You say that your son is not overly attached to your family or his mother's. What if you moved- could you find a job, get your son adjusted, and handle living in LA? Could she find a job easier where you live?

Love's great, but it doesn't pay the bills. Speaking of bills- I would recommend NOT paying her rent. Also, if she's always lived with her parents, moving in with you may not be the best thing for her. She's young, and hasn't ever had to prove to herself that she can be strong, independent, and survive. Most women need to find this out about themselves before they're ready to make a serious commitment that's going to last- like marriage.

It doesn't really matter how good looking either of you are if you can't find a way to compromise and support yourselves. What about living somewhere between LA and Sacramento? This way the distance to your son's mother and your girlfriends' family wouldn't be as far for either of you as it would be if only one of you moved.

I haven't ever been faced with this type of scenario, but I know that dating guys who weren't already near me has never worked out for me- I'm not willing to leave the general area, my family, or my job. I'm also interested in dating men who are close to their families, have settled into their occupation, and have roots in their communities. All of the above things would make it nearly impossible for either of us to move far, and I wouldn't ask a man to, but I know I would be very unwilling to, as well.

Moody, not a mover and shaker


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 1:52pm

Hello tchin21 - welcome - and thanks for asking us our opinion!

I think I have to agree with the previous poster, Moodie, that love doesn't pay the bills. I know you feel that you love this woman, but from what you write here, I can see why you are not knowing what to do. There are so many things to me that make a long term thing difficult right now from what you describe.

The new woman sounds a bit inexperienced and unsettled that she still lives at home with her parents. I do think it would be an upset for her to move.

But at the same time you are rooted where you are with a good job and supportive family for your child. Even if they don't see your child often, they are in his life and he is used to them and their support. As he gets older it will be more important in his life and yours.

I have always thought that the best relationships are the ones that are easy and meant to be and with someone who lives close by so you can make sure you are compatible on a day to day basis and especially with kids and parenting styles. So I would not be willing to move or move my son away from his dad and my family for a relationship - that just would be too risky for me.

Maybe for right now you just need more time to be able to see what is the right thing for all involved?