what would you do??...ex-inlaw question

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
what would you do??...ex-inlaw question
30
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:25pm

Here is the situation...My ex and I were together 17 years, married 13 of them. I always thought I had a decent relationship with his family. When we separated just over a year ago, his mother wrote the most scathing 3 page affidavit blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage, and blatantly lying. For example...she claimed she had to bring the kids to her house to eat dinner because I wouldn't feed them, that he (my ex) was always the one to enrich their education experiences (he was usually passed out in front of the tv while they maybe watched National Geographics, that's the only explanation I can come up with for that one). That other than a few hours a week I volunteered at the school for all she could see I spent my days reading on the sofa while "dirty laundry piled up all around" me, that she'd seen cleaner restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike... now mind you her son walked into the courtroom and not only didn't ASK for ANY custody he refused to even accept visitation every other weekend, and instead said he was good with my having sole custody and hoped I would allow him "liberal visitation as his schedule allows". So obviously HE was and is ok with my parenting.

Anyway, apparently she never knew I would read her affidavit. Or didn't think I would react the way I did...but in my opinion she has burned her bridge with me and as far as I am concerned she no longer exists in my life. He has asked me several times to bring the kids to his parents' apt. and I refuse...they live a good 20 - 25 minutes away and while I would never never come between my kids and their grandparents I am also not about to go out of my way for them. For instance, they had his brother, who is 40 but has Down Syndrome and lives in a group home, for a visit. My ex went to their apt. for his brother's birthday, and then threw a S*** fit that I wouldn't drop the kids off, saying it was their uncle's birthday and I should bring them to the party, and that he couldn't come get them because he was busy visiting his brother. In the end, he never did come get them, and I didn't bring them, and they lost out, but I felt strongly that I needed to stand my ground. They are HIS parents and their visits with the kids are HIS responsibility, imo.

However, he decided 2 weeks ago to move back to NJ, where he is from, for a job opportunity. Leaving me in SC, where I am from, and his parents have retired here. So now their visits with the kids ARE my responsibility. And she keeps making plans with the kids, leaving me to find out third hand. Of course this is also my fault because I don't take her calls...would rather she just went away!! Other people who read her affidavit said she is obviously delusional and they would never never allow someone l ike that access to their kids. Ex says she was just protecting her baby because I "declared war by hiring an atty and P.I." to prove his adultery.

I don't know if I have it in me to swallow my pride. She is one of those people who talks with a fake Boston accent and looks down on everyone.

I'm sorry this is so long...she left 2 messages on my answering machine tonight for my 12 year old daughter, to ask me what day she could pick up 5 year old Jacob from preschool. And I'm just aggravated as hell, and wish she'd move back to Jersey with my ex so she can continue taking care of him!!

Do you guys think communicating via email would be acceptable..I thought of sending her one tonight in response to her message for my daughter, saying that Jacob gets out of school at 12 and she can pick him up from school at 12 on Thursday but to please have him home at dinnertime. That allows them to see each other, on MY terms, and without the kids having to be the go between, and my not having to talk to her.

My kids know NOTHING by the way. They think everything is peachy.

I should have known, back when we were dating, and she cut up his Thanksgiving turkey so he could sit in front of the tv and watch football while he ate, instead of at the table with the rest of the family!!

If you read all this...thank you!

Jessie

Pages

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 3:32am

Tho I understand your anger, I do have to say, that we often do things out of spite and anger and we just have to learn to let it go. This is also a part of not forgetting, but learning to forgive. Before we divorced it was bad, when we divorced it was bad and afterwards it was sometimes a true nightmare but we tried to just scream at each other and then move on.

My life with my X-inlaws have been far from peachy and they are just the WORST grandparents when it comes to hygiene and responsibility, but I don't let that come between visiting or taking Nina to see her grandparents (they live 2,5hrs away).

A few perfect examples of what sort of people they are. Bare in mind, these are just a FEW things and I am serious, only a FEW of what they do. :
The believe that lying is ok and they openly admit that.
Nina will stay with them for a week or 10 days sometimes and they don't wash her hair and bathe her only once.
Teeth brushing- forget it. They used to give Alex gum, because they said that would brush her teeth.
When they serve noodles or something, they take their unwashed hands and just grab into a bowl to serve themselves.
They don't have soap in the bathroom where the toilet is. Only a handtowel. (I have to always bring my own soap)

However, I have stopped arguing, stressing and making myself miserable, because all in all, Nina adores and loves her grandparents. They take loads of quality time and really do lot's of things with her. She is truly entertained and enjoys every moment with them. They don't respect my rules and even if they say they do, I know they lie about everything, so I just chalk it off that they don't get that much time with the girls and therefore I just need to disinfect my child when she gets home.

I mean, look at it this way... Your X husband did far worse then his parents, but he gets visitation rights with his child as well. You can't stop that, so why try to stop contact that your children need to their grandparents, just because of a letter? It's done. My opinion is, you talk to her personally and tell her that you are absolutely sad about the situation that happened and that you felt very betrayed how she reacted. Nevertheless, you forgive her actions because she is an important factor to your children growing up, but you don't want to hear another word regarding your actions towards your X husband. He cheated on the family, you didn't and you would like some respect.

This will make her think twice about ever doing that again.

That is what I told my X's parents and it worked. Since time has gone by, they have actually come to me and apologized and said that they never thought what a rotten egg their son was, but because he has proven to them that he is a lousy father and never takes a moment to contact them again, they now see what I saw a long time ago and that I was right all along. That is very tough for a parent to admit to. Parents want to believe their children are in the right, no matter how wrong they are. Don't you see yourself doing that sometimes? I know that I've caught myself in that trap with both my girls, but sometimes I saw both sides of the coin and had to explain that it wasn't right, no matter how much they thought they were. Make sense? ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 10:54am
I can't know what it's like to be in your situation, but if you want your children to keep thinking things are peachy, then you probably have to make them *be* peachy. I think corresponding through email is a good idea, and I wouldn't say "please have him home by dinnertime" I would say "you can pick him up at 12pm as long as you can have him home by 5:30pm." That way you aren't asking her to be helpful, you are telling her the specific ground rules.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:03am

Hi Jessie,

Wow - what a story. Sorry that your ex turned out to be so bad.

I can totally understand how you feel about the ex inlaws because I am in the same boat with my feelings towards them.

I feel that my XMIL was the cause of my marital breakdown because she was jealous of me and put herself between me and my exh - long story - but the exh put her first and it just didn't work.

Anyway, I am trying to weigh all sides of your story as though it were me. I am by no means an expert on these things - you can find good stuff at bonusfamilies.com on these issues - but I can tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes. And I think that is what you want - a bunch of opinions so you can form your own.

If I was you, I would try to see it that everyone did the best they could and the marriage did not work and this is all history. Try to see the positive you got out of it and don't be bitter. Put the kids first.

Of course she wrote that very negative defensive letter because her son/your exh is her baby. I would expect nothing less from my XMIL. And as long as my EXH is here, I would do the same thing as you - expect him to totally deal with his mother.

Anyway, your situation, with EXH moving to another state and the inlaws here is new. If I was you, I would try to work with her so she can see her grand children. As long as she does not interfere in your life and as long as she enriches the childrens' lives it would be okay in my eyes. This may require some boundaries in the beginning - like she has to respect your schedule and help with driving if she can. But it is worth a try.

I think that she would be able to babysit sometimes and give you a much needed break. She would also add to the kids' lives. The key is that both of you would have to leave the past in the past.

If it doesn't work - meaning she is causing more trouble than she is saving - then that is a different issue and would have to be dealt with. But you will never know until you try.

I think I would try to sit down and talk to her one on one about the new situation and expectations. If you approach it like you want to get along with her and make it work, it could work and be a good thing.

Good luck and keep us posted - I hope you get some more ideas from the people on this board.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:17am

I agree with everyone's advice so far. It's tough, but swallowing pride is important for the kids.


My only other thought is this, and I've NO idea if it's right or not.


I am BIG on communication. if EX MIL doesn't know that I've read the scathing and UNTRUE affadavit and the air hasn't been cleared, I'd somehow communicate how those comments and lies affected me and made it difficult to work well with her, for the sake of the kids. Maybe write a letter? Something to get the bitterness OFF my chest and the air somehow cleared.


I guess my personality would make me want to wait for an apology, but that'd probably be a cold day in hell before that happened. So, again, I'd probably get what I needed to off my chest, and then decide for the sake of the kids to keep a cautiously open door to their grandparents. Apology or no apology.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:41am

I'm the voice of dissention.

I can promise you that if my ex moved away tomorrow, and our son seeing his mother (my ex-MIL) became my responsibility, my son would never see his grandmother again. I feel absolutely no responsibility to nurture a relationship between the two of them, and simply put, I will not deal with that toxic woman. Ever. In any fashion.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 11:47am

However, if this EX Mil isn't as toxic as your's (as in, doesn't say horrible things to the kids about mom. Doesn't lie) and only had that one bad thing that is totally an issue between MIL and her, don't you think kids should still have contact? It would be SO hurtful to THEM to lose that.


I never let Ty see his paternal grandparents. I didn't want to encourage a relationship with them, when the "link"

Becky

 

 

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:01pm
I think it depends on the situation. I don't think a scathing letter should close off instant relationship to the children. However, I don't know the storie behind your XMIL problems, but I am pretty sure that I would make the same decision if it were me. I just believe my children shouldn't see me as a bitter person. I rather think that time sometimes really does heal wounds and in my case it did. I still moan and groan about their behaviour, but I don't come inbetween the relationship and I never let anyone notice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:14pm

I have to honestly say I don't know. Right now, if my ex were to move, my son would probably see his grandmother as frequently as he does now, considering he only sees her on holidays and birthdays. I know my ex well enough to know he'll always be guilted and manipulated by his mother to endure the torture those occassions bring, no matter where he lives. Beyond that - I refuse to have anything to do with her.

Now - if my my son were begging, I would probably find a way to work around it - but I must admit I personally wouldn't handle it. I would have my ex-SIL handle it (I get along with her), I would have TT handle it, I would have my parents handle it, heck, I would PAY one of those family mediators to handle it. I won't deal with her. Ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:27pm

You are right. You don't know the story behind me and my exMIL problems. And therefore, you can't possibly say what you would do.

Bitterness has nothing to do with it. Wisdom and the need to protect my child has everything to do with it.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:54pm

Min, we've heard the story behind your ex MIL and her HORRIBLE HORRIBLE statements to JoJo. IMO, he should NEVER be around her. Not even with your ex's supervision. She's poision to his little soul. She doesnt' let by gone's be by gone's and she doesn't keep it personal, between the two of you.


YOUR situation is very different, from what I can see. It's way beyond pride and into the realm of more harm than good for your ds to see his paternal grandmother. And she just plain old doesn't deserve the title "grandparent" or the time that goes along with it.


That was what made me SO mad about Ty's bio dad's parents wanting to see him. As though their son's throwing sperm about carelessly ENTITLED them to a relationship w/the offspring. They would have seen Ty, if their SON had been worth 1/4th his weight and had had a relationship with his son and then brought him over to see them too. That was their only chance, imo.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Pages