what would you do??...ex-inlaw question
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| Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:25pm |
Here is the situation...My ex and I were together 17 years, married 13 of them. I always thought I had a decent relationship with his family. When we separated just over a year ago, his mother wrote the most scathing 3 page affidavit blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage, and blatantly lying. For example...she claimed she had to bring the kids to her house to eat dinner because I wouldn't feed them, that he (my ex) was always the one to enrich their education experiences (he was usually passed out in front of the tv while they maybe watched National Geographics, that's the only explanation I can come up with for that one). That other than a few hours a week I volunteered at the school for all she could see I spent my days reading on the sofa while "dirty laundry piled up all around" me, that she'd seen cleaner restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike... now mind you her son walked into the courtroom and not only didn't ASK for ANY custody he refused to even accept visitation every other weekend, and instead said he was good with my having sole custody and hoped I would allow him "liberal visitation as his schedule allows". So obviously HE was and is ok with my parenting.
Anyway, apparently she never knew I would read her affidavit. Or didn't think I would react the way I did...but in my opinion she has burned her bridge with me and as far as I am concerned she no longer exists in my life. He has asked me several times to bring the kids to his parents' apt. and I refuse...they live a good 20 - 25 minutes away and while I would never never come between my kids and their grandparents I am also not about to go out of my way for them. For instance, they had his brother, who is 40 but has Down Syndrome and lives in a group home, for a visit. My ex went to their apt. for his brother's birthday, and then threw a S*** fit that I wouldn't drop the kids off, saying it was their uncle's birthday and I should bring them to the party, and that he couldn't come get them because he was busy visiting his brother. In the end, he never did come get them, and I didn't bring them, and they lost out, but I felt strongly that I needed to stand my ground. They are HIS parents and their visits with the kids are HIS responsibility, imo.
However, he decided 2 weeks ago to move back to NJ, where he is from, for a job opportunity. Leaving me in SC, where I am from, and his parents have retired here. So now their visits with the kids ARE my responsibility. And she keeps making plans with the kids, leaving me to find out third hand. Of course this is also my fault because I don't take her calls...would rather she just went away!! Other people who read her affidavit said she is obviously delusional and they would never never allow someone l ike that access to their kids. Ex says she was just protecting her baby because I "declared war by hiring an atty and P.I." to prove his adultery.
I don't know if I have it in me to swallow my pride. She is one of those people who talks with a fake Boston accent and looks down on everyone.
I'm sorry this is so long...she left 2 messages on my answering machine tonight for my 12 year old daughter, to ask me what day she could pick up 5 year old Jacob from preschool. And I'm just aggravated as hell, and wish she'd move back to Jersey with my ex so she can continue taking care of him!!
Do you guys think communicating via email would be acceptable..I thought of sending her one tonight in response to her message for my daughter, saying that Jacob gets out of school at 12 and she can pick him up from school at 12 on Thursday but to please have him home at dinnertime. That allows them to see each other, on MY terms, and without the kids having to be the go between, and my not having to talk to her.
My kids know NOTHING by the way. They think everything is peachy.
I should have known, back when we were dating, and she cut up his Thanksgiving turkey so he could sit in front of the tv and watch football while he ate, instead of at the table with the rest of the family!!
If you read all this...thank you!
Jessie

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I meant to put in this link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psbonusfam
It is for the step families and divorce board, which is headed by the authors of bonusfamilies.com. I have received a wealth of information from that board, although I am mostly a lurker. I think you could learn a lot by reading the posts and perhaps asking your question there, too.
That board has taught me that I am very lucky with my circumstances and that I have to put the past in the past and put my child first.
Good luck to you for whatever you decide. I am hoping that your XMIL will be okay and help you sometimes, especially since xh is not going to be in the picture as much.
As much as I didn't like how my XMIL behaved when I was married, she surprised me by being okay at my DS's first communion. I hadn't seen her or spoken to her at all before that. But I did approach the whole situation as though the divorce never happened and I was kind, smiled and said hello. They even sat with us in church. I was nice to her, and she was nice back. It was a good day for DS.
>>>It is for the step families and divorce board, which is headed by the authors of bonusfamilies.com.<<<
No way! Thanks for the link :)
I think email is the perfect way to start communicating.
Kim
OH Min!, I hope you didn't think I meant that I was saying you were Bitter or anything along those lines. I think I wrote what I wrote wrong. I was trying to say, IN YOUR Case I am sure that you have made the right decision. I always see you as very wise and of course we have to protect our children from people that harm them in any way and that even goes for grandparents, spouses, siblings, etc. But I meant, that I felt, if it was only a scathing letter that keeps people away from people, then we would have lot's of unnecessary bitterness and a mean letter shouldn't sever a relationship from grandparents and their grandchildren. Emotions run high in that sort of situation. That's all.
Whew! I hope that I got that right now. Sorry if I upset you. Just bad letter writing.
Thank you for all your answers and the link...I will check that other board when I have more time.
I guess the bottom line is, the woman is only toxic to me. She loves the kids and they love her, and she does fun and enriching things with them. I don't think I have it in me to open the lines of communication, she knows I read the affidavit. She once told me (when ex didn't pay child support and I told him the water had been turned off, not true but I thought I could get some $$ out of him) that she knew I was angry but I need to grow up, let bygones be bygones and think of the kids, and come stay with her until I could get on my feet. No apology, just basically telling ME to grow up and swallow my pride. Also, as usual, taking responsibility for her son's shortcomings. And worried that without water, I wouldn't to cook or bathe the children. Never mind that, not once in a year has he actually paid the court appointed amount of child support!! Not his fault in their opinion...the judge set it too high, but my negligence would result when I stop feeding and bathing my kids. That will be a cold day in hell!!
Oh, I'm getting angry all over again!!
Have a great day everyone...it is my birthday today. I decided to turn 35 again!!
Jessie
HAPPY 35TH BIRTHDAY JESSIE!!!! ;)
Hope you can treat yourself to a great day!
Thanks for the clarification.
It's really impossible for wounds to heal when you are still licking them and are attacked yet again, with the target being your most sensitive and weakest place, your child.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Since she has always loved the kids and they have always loved her and she's been great with them - I think that's a great decision for you. If it's easiest for you to communicate with email due to your history, I think that's fine.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Are you doing anything fun???????????
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Are you doing anything fun???????????
Well, my 12 year old daughter is cooking me a special birthday dinner...I don't know exactly what it is but since I did have the ingredient (shopping) list I suspect she is going to tackle homemade fried chicken. My 5 year old went to a friend's house today and his friend's mother helped him bake a cake. So I'm going to sit back and let my kids take care of me, and enjoy it!
I know they have a special present for me too.
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