what would you do??...ex-inlaw question

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
what would you do??...ex-inlaw question
30
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:25pm

Here is the situation...My ex and I were together 17 years, married 13 of them. I always thought I had a decent relationship with his family. When we separated just over a year ago, his mother wrote the most scathing 3 page affidavit blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage, and blatantly lying. For example...she claimed she had to bring the kids to her house to eat dinner because I wouldn't feed them, that he (my ex) was always the one to enrich their education experiences (he was usually passed out in front of the tv while they maybe watched National Geographics, that's the only explanation I can come up with for that one). That other than a few hours a week I volunteered at the school for all she could see I spent my days reading on the sofa while "dirty laundry piled up all around" me, that she'd seen cleaner restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike... now mind you her son walked into the courtroom and not only didn't ASK for ANY custody he refused to even accept visitation every other weekend, and instead said he was good with my having sole custody and hoped I would allow him "liberal visitation as his schedule allows". So obviously HE was and is ok with my parenting.

Anyway, apparently she never knew I would read her affidavit. Or didn't think I would react the way I did...but in my opinion she has burned her bridge with me and as far as I am concerned she no longer exists in my life. He has asked me several times to bring the kids to his parents' apt. and I refuse...they live a good 20 - 25 minutes away and while I would never never come between my kids and their grandparents I am also not about to go out of my way for them. For instance, they had his brother, who is 40 but has Down Syndrome and lives in a group home, for a visit. My ex went to their apt. for his brother's birthday, and then threw a S*** fit that I wouldn't drop the kids off, saying it was their uncle's birthday and I should bring them to the party, and that he couldn't come get them because he was busy visiting his brother. In the end, he never did come get them, and I didn't bring them, and they lost out, but I felt strongly that I needed to stand my ground. They are HIS parents and their visits with the kids are HIS responsibility, imo.

However, he decided 2 weeks ago to move back to NJ, where he is from, for a job opportunity. Leaving me in SC, where I am from, and his parents have retired here. So now their visits with the kids ARE my responsibility. And she keeps making plans with the kids, leaving me to find out third hand. Of course this is also my fault because I don't take her calls...would rather she just went away!! Other people who read her affidavit said she is obviously delusional and they would never never allow someone l ike that access to their kids. Ex says she was just protecting her baby because I "declared war by hiring an atty and P.I." to prove his adultery.

I don't know if I have it in me to swallow my pride. She is one of those people who talks with a fake Boston accent and looks down on everyone.

I'm sorry this is so long...she left 2 messages on my answering machine tonight for my 12 year old daughter, to ask me what day she could pick up 5 year old Jacob from preschool. And I'm just aggravated as hell, and wish she'd move back to Jersey with my ex so she can continue taking care of him!!

Do you guys think communicating via email would be acceptable..I thought of sending her one tonight in response to her message for my daughter, saying that Jacob gets out of school at 12 and she can pick him up from school at 12 on Thursday but to please have him home at dinnertime. That allows them to see each other, on MY terms, and without the kids having to be the go between, and my not having to talk to her.

My kids know NOTHING by the way. They think everything is peachy.

I should have known, back when we were dating, and she cut up his Thanksgiving turkey so he could sit in front of the tv and watch football while he ate, instead of at the table with the rest of the family!!

If you read all this...thank you!

Jessie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 4:38pm
Happy Birthday - sounds like you have wonderful kids - enjoy!!
Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 5:01pm

Hi
chiming in late. First off, Happy Birthday!
Hope you have a great second or third anniversary of your 35th, or whatever anniversary it is! ;)

As far as the ex mil, I think that if she is good to the kids you should try to facilitate her keeping that relationship intact as much as it may cause you stress. It's one more person they have in their life that loves them and that can also give them a connection to their dad, something that sounds like they don't have that much of with his attitude towards visitation.

If you have to email to avoid confrontations, do it. I agree with you that she shouldn't be communicating with the kids when making plans like she's been doing, it does put them in the middle. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves even to the point of being uncomfortable and maybe you just need to switch gears, offer her an olive branch (over email) and tell her you don't want to see your kids lose out on a great grandmother. And let her know that you would appreciate her respecting you as their mom and communicating through you any plans that need to get made so you know exactly when and where and there is no miscommunication. I know she's been plain awful to you, but she doesn't see it that way and she never will. So all you can do is try to smooth it over a little and go forward. If she's not willing to work with you, then you just do the best you can. If there comes a time when she's trashing you to your kids or doing anything harmful to them, then that's a different story.

Hugs and hang in there! Stories like this make me so glad I don't have ex in-laws!
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 10:33pm

"It's one more person they have in their life that loves them and that can also give them a connection to their dad"
Good point, I guess clearly I need to swallow my pride and encourage the relationship. Which I basically have been doing, but have not had an actual conversation with the woman in months. Although, she did take my son to buy me a birthday present, a birdhouse that they painted together. Each side has one of the kids names on it (I have 3)and a picture. It was actually a very thoughtful gift.

The birthday dinner was quite a treat...Becky realized at 6:15 that the recipe called for the chicken marinating for 24 hours so we had to find another recipe. Hit cooks.com for some ideas and came up with a honey-curry chicken which was delicious, she served it with a salad and dinner rolls, and of couse cake for dessert. All in all a very nice birthday! For some reason I am completely avoiding the man I've been seeing, he has been calling me all day and I have neither taken his calls or returned them. I just don't want to talk to him today. You may remember my writing about him, he is the super nice guy with character flaws I posted about. I tried to end the relationship but ended up with, we'll still see each other but being upfront about the fact that I don't see this being permanent or exclusive and he needed to accept that, or choose not to.

Life is so full of complicated decisions.

Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:11am

The birdhouse story is huge - that shows her good will for the kids. I was also thinking that she must somehow be pretty special for what she has been through to have and raise a kid with down's syndrome - I am betting that with your boundaries she will be a great asset to your children.

I also think you need to have a positive "moving forward from here" conversation with her - maybe not so much to dredge up stuff from the past like the letter - but what you expect from her now - like she can contact YOU directly when she wants to see the kids. That would be a start. And what time to pick them up or drop them off (btw - I was thinking it would be okay for them to have dinner with her but for her to have them back in time for a decent bed time).

Okay - that is just my two cents worth.

Your dinner sounds lovely - what great kids you have!!

As for that dodo guy - SPLASH - throw him back into the pond. You deserve someone you are crazy about.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:48am
Wow, VERY impressive for a 12 year old. Did she do it all herself? Must be something in the name... ;)
Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 6:45pm

your kids sound so great. How wonderful that your 12 year old is so mature! My daughter is 11, and I can't see her putting a meal like that together for me when she's 12. You did a good job there, clearly!

And the birdhouse thing is adorable (I may have to steal that idea, you dont' mind do ya?). Your ex mil can't be totally bad if she did that with your kids. That was very thoughtful. My own mom wouldn't do that with my kids for me, haha.

As for the guy, I dunno. i can't really remember all the particulars but bottom line, if it isn't there for you, it isn't there. And you can't force it. If he isn't putting a spring in your step, let him go!

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 10:30pm

Wow, VERY impressive for a 12 year old. Did she do it all herself? Must be something in the name... ;)
Becky

She didn't do it all herself but she did alot. I had to help with rinsing the meat, and a few other little things. She is a very good girl, so far,and she does love to cook. Now if only I could teach her to clean too.

Jessie

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:13am
I agree wholeheartedly.
Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 10:29am
That is so cool! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 10:01am
You need to be the bigger person because it's what's in the best interest of your children.
Sanguine

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