What would your reaction be

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
What would your reaction be
34
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 1:14am

After we had it out, I left it up to her. We have been still dating, but I'm moving cautiously.

I had off from work today so I met her for lunch and we spent a couple of hours together. It was great.

Before she went to bed tonight she called to say good night. She told me about how much fun it was to watch her DD in gymnastics, and how proud of her she is. I reminded her to check on her son to make sure he did his homework (she called to him while we were on the phone and he answered he didn't do it, so she made him) and asked how the dog was. After some small chit chat she told me that "plumber boy" aka ex-bf, had called again to get a massage from her. She tells me that she told him no, that she was fully booked at her home office but he was free to see if there were appointments available at the day spa she works at.

I am not sure what to do with this. She told me he called and I'll assume she did tell him no at home. So, is this a breakthrough in our relationship and is she trying to be very open?

Or is it her telling me that she isn't yet going to shut the door. She is still taking the call and talking to him, telling me she is just trying to be nice.

It bothers the hell out of me that he might book at the day spa and get her to put her hands on his naked body. I'm sure there wouldn't be any hanky panky at the spa, but I'm afraid it might open the door wider. I know that if I were to tell her that it bothers me too much to even think about her hands on him and that I wish she wouldn't even think about it at all and tell him no, not ever, that she will view me as insecure and controlling. I'm thinking that I might tell her that an old GF is coming over for me to rub her down. Wonder what she will think about that.

Since you all know the story, what would your reaction be if you were in my shoes?

Zen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 8:37am

Am I invited for to share that turkey with you guys ;-)


Zen, I have go with Pacific here. Having been the one who has some immaturity and I truly believe some people who had bad childhood or early adult life have this kind of issue- not easy to let go of people whom they once loved. I know that I have changed a lot and yes people do change. No one is perfect and I some how disagree with people who feel they are almost perfect and they should find a perfect person. It all depends on what and how much one can tolerate and if they really like the other person enough to tolerate anything.


I know that I have been a bit immature with my SO and he has been wonderful enough to help me understand and our relationship has changed so much now . I have been with my ex many many years and have been totally loyal. So yes I can be loyal. But when I was in a transition stage I didnt expect that anyone I was dating should feel offended by it while I was trying to clear my brain and move on. Some times only way to get your brain clear is by may be talking to EX and realising again how he was not worth it. So yes that stage is a messy time and best thing would be to not date anyone at that time. But I met my guy bit early and didnt feel like letting him go.. I liked him enough to start dating. Now my ex stopped calling, heck I have almost stopped thinking about him anytime and I even really feel my current guy loves me truly much more than my ex did. I can appreciate everything my guy does.


In your case she seems to be having hard time deciding , clearing her mind up..She is one of those people who needs lots of assurance before they accept a new person completely and leave the old baggage. There may be lots of nice women out there without all there issues, but it is always hard to find this special feeling that you have for her. I will have to vote for giving her some more time and if you see that there is a progress then good luck.


I have to tell you again that counselling is very important for her. Also you can be some more open and strict about the Ex BF.. She should know clearly what you think. You can tell her that if she wants to take her calls or try out more with him, why not you guys take a short break and she comes back if you are still available.. Be patient but do not make her feel that you can be taken advantage of.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 9:28am

Zen,


The problem with being a Sir Lancelot and steadfastly standing by the one you love while she heals (grows, matures, whatever)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 9:42am

Zen, I totally agree with Soonee on what she writes.

"But, we're not about 'supporting' you into a bad situation. Like telling someone jumping out of a plane without a parachute: "Take a camera, dear, the views will be lovely". We genuinely want to help you, even though it's not what you want to hear. Others have done that for me, as well, and I'm very grateful."

The "Take a camera, dear, the views will be lovely." statement is oh so true - but most hilarious!!! Soonee!! How come you are always so good with words and so funny?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 11:15am

If she was still in her 20's, then I would agree that maybe she still had a chance to mature.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 12:30pm

Zen, I feel compelled to write and support your very thoughtful and thought provoking post here. I haven't read ahead yet, so pardon me if I just repeat another's sentiments. But I must commend you. I personally believe that having a relationship means doing the WORK to compromise with one another. I think, because of a number of things in your post, that you have your head on straight in this relationship. And more importantly, you're willing to patiently do the work to make this one a long-term, stable one. Bravo!


I'm not in a relationship mind-set and havent' been since my divorce over almost 2 years ago. I don't think I will be for a while. That probably means I will continue to find myself in situations with guys where I'm confused about his feelings and I get burned, or I break a few hearts myself, or I just meet some nice guys to hang out with. But for the most part, I'm sure having fun meeting and connecting and learning about myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 12:08pm

Happy Day after Turkey Day everyone! Hope you all had a great holiday filled and surrounded by lots of love, family and friends.


Soonee or Amanda said,"As far as "my children always come first"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 12:50pm

Well, Zen- I have to say that the 2 women you dated in your examples of the "kids come first" profiles... I would never have acted the way they did to the situations they/you were in!!! I DO have it in my profile, that my kids come first. And by that, I mean that the men I date would have to understand that I have to arrange things (babysitting and dates) around them, as I can't just simply drop everything and run out the door as I might be able to if I was childless and single. Some men just don't understand that, if they'd never had children of their own, and they want that "spontaneity", but with kids, sometimes that just isn't possible.


The first woman and the lunch date... she should not have gotten mad at you for the timing not working out! Better to let her go anyway, if she was anger-filled.


The second one, who kept talking on the phone with her kids and then leaving dinner early... I wonder why she couldn't just pass the responsibility off to THEIR DAD, who I assume, was an ADULT there with the kids, and SHOULD have been able to handle those issues himself?!?? It makes me wonder if HE might've been up to part of that, making the kids call her just to disrupt her(your) date together. But really... she should have been able to bypass SOME of that, even if there was a phone call at that time. There shouldn't have been THAT many, IMO.


That said, though... I'm not sure if I would've been happy with you asking for $30. It shouldn't have been about the money. And I guess that if I would've been asked to chip in money for a date, then I might've asked the restaurant for my entree in a box, just so I could've at least taken it with me. If I would've had to leave a date early because of something coming up with my kids, and the date asked for money to pay for the ruined date, I don't know if I would want to ever go out with him again. (Although, Zen- I do agree with you, that the situation she had going on with the kids, was NOT an emergency that she should have to leave the date for. And I assume she might've had a fight with their Dad later about it, because HE should've been able to handle it without her.)


As far as the rest of your post goes... I won't say any more. I know I have tossed in my opinion on the matter (as we all have), and I still don't think you should stick around for the drama. But if you feel that she is worth it, then who am I to say who you date? We're not THERE and we don't see what is going on. We only see/hear/read what you share, and that's all we have to go on. But from what I have read, I just think you could "do better" as far as dating someone that you don't have to question (esp. regarding the texts from the ex-bf). I just sense that all that REALLY bothered you, and that she never could give you any comfort in her responses to it. Trust in a relationship is still a deal-breaker issue to me, whether

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 1:17pm

Hey Shrimpy,


I thank you for feeling I can do better. Please continue to chime in as you see fit. Everyone's perspective here is valuable and it keeps me grounded and sane. Since I am a guy I cannot nor do not profess to be an expert in "womanthink." That is what you all give me. And as single mom's you can give me more insight into the situation I am in. I think all of us "vent" here because we aren't looking for someone to validate our choices but to see if we are thinking rationally or to see if maybe it seems we missed something due to our emotional tendencies and attachments. So please, continue to beat me over the head (LOL!)


As for the co-dependency "rant", well, that is one of my pet peeves. I know too many of my friends wives and exes who talk like they are psychs themselves and co-dependency has become the reason of choice of the counselling community. It gets used a lot in normal coversation on this board as well as many other boards and I don't see the need for it.


I saw a counselor during the end of my marriage and for a while when I was first dating my GF (the counselling was

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 3:02pm

Ugh- those dates sound horrible!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 11:52am

Thanks Ali. Nice to know there is a place to go where you won't hear "I told you so".

Just curious. Is it me or is just about every woman who posts here an Aquarius? LOL!
I was hoping, since you are all that sign, maybe you understood where my GF comes from, seeing how Aquarians tend to all have similar traits.

Since everyone here has been very helpful, I'll offer you all this. I live very near the ocean. If you ever need a place to crash (or hide as could be the case) with the kids for vacation, my home will always be available. Three bedrooms, two baths. About 1.5 miles from the waters edge, quiet neighborhood. Near a popular family boardwalk and within a 30 minute drive of Six Flags, 1 hour to NYC and 1.5 hours to Philly. I can always take refuge at a friends if you need to use it for a vacation.

Zen