What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
What is wrong with me?
7
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:59am

I haven't wanted to post this but I really need to get this off my chest.

I have been down for the past week or so. Last week I was having mini panic attacks and I don't know why. I just feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. It is a combination of my ex and his family, my son commenting on how much better his stepmom can cook, sew, etc. (I know he is just running off at the mouth because he says it when he gets mad at me), my weight gain, trying to get a new job, trying to figure out how to pay for school without going into too much debt, and my finances as a whole. I just feel so overwhelmed right now.

I hate feeling like this. My mom doesn't help too much because she and my grandmother are so negative. I hate that. I am a very positive person and really get turned off by negativity. I DO NOT want to get back on anti-depressants because I don't like taking meds.

I think another thing that weighs on me is my ex and how he can just be an a-hole sometimes. He still treats me like I haven't got a brain and when he's around his family, he acts worse. He can be fine when they are not around but if they are, watch out, he has to be snide.

I guess it really gets me down that I don't have a significant other. I don't need someone to complete me, but I would like someone to confide in. Well, I can't start looking for that until I am happy with myself. My confidence is fine it's just my physical appearance that gets me down. Like I wrote on R's post, I've gained 39 pounds in the past 3 years mostly because of meds and going back to school taking up my time. I plan on doing something about that part though so that's not a big part of my problem. I guess I need to be patient. Sometimes, like now, it gets to me though and it just all seems hopeless. Why can't I have happiness too? I am happy when I have my son but when he is with his dad, it all goes away. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to keep me busy but it's just not the same without him.

Oh well. Didn't mean to be a wet blanket. I just needed to get all of this off my chest and out there.

Thanks for reading.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:17am
That's why we are here. Vent anytime. Things will work out. YOu said it yourself...you cannot love anyone til you love yourself. This is why I am going thru what I am...

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:24am

Hey Jennifer,
big hugs to you darlin. I know everything seems overwhelming. I often get that way myself with work, kids, school, not having the right person in my life, finances, negative family, etc.
It just seems like the one's whole life is unfair because we try our best. Going out and being active is hard when you have so much going on. Do you have any friends that you can invite over for a movie night and a glass of wine? You should try to get as many girlfriends together that you can. I have learned that placing my youngest dd has helped me in making more friends. I have something to look forward to and it just gets me out of the house.
Do you have a therapist you can talk to?
As far as your weight, just try to do what you can. Don't pressure yourself. It will all work out. Even baby steps to make yourself feel better.

Have you thought about writing down your goals for the year? I do that. It helps a great deal and keeps you focused.

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 6:31pm

Hi Jennifer,

I am sorry things are such a struggle for you right now. Everything always seems so much harder too, when we are emotional about it. When I get emotional about stuff, then I get angry with myself for being emotional, its a viscous cycle.

Dont let your son get away with being disrespectful to you. You dont deserve it and he needs to learn not to treat his mother that way (perhaps his father is rubbing off on him). Or anyone else.

It sounds like you are around your ex and his family alot. Do you have to be? Maybe even if that could change a little it would be helpful.

I think you are right about needing to surround yourself with positive peóple and those who can understand you. This board is great for that, so vent here, and we will keep sending you ((((hugs))) and lots of support!!

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:54pm

Oh Jennifer,

My heart knows just how you feel in this post. It could have been me writing it just after my divorce.

I commend you for this, "Well, I can't start looking for that until I am happy with myself."

You are very smart and strong to know that and stick to it.

It sounds like you are on the right track if you are going to start working on your physical appearance for you and you are in school. Things will work out - they always do. Tomorrow is a whole 'nuther day and it can and will bring good things.

We are always here for a vent. We are all like sisters walking the same path. It makes us all better people for sure.

HUGS!




Edited 5/9/2007 10:20 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:52am

Hugs to you, Jennifer. Like West, I feel like I could have written this about myself, and not only just after my divorce, but still sometimes now, despite having a great relationship and lots to do and look forward to.

It sounds as if many of the things that are getting you down are related to you finding yourself lacking in some way (compared to step-mum, the way you are treated by your ex, the fact that you don't have an SO to confide in at the moment, struggling with finances). STOP! You are a unique and wonderful human being, and this situation is going to turn around.

For me personally, I find that most of these things go away when I feel better physically. Appearance can do SO much to change your mood. When I'm in slim mode, I just feel happier and more positive about everything. I feel like I can cope better. It may sound shallow, but that is the way I am. When I am feeling porky, I can get so down and sad - I feel worthless and unlovable.

I really believe this is the key. Maybe this could be the first thing you could try and sort out. One thing at a time, and baby steps towards a brighter future. Focus on the weight loss - you don't have huge amounts to lose, so tell yourself ok I can do this, maybe it will be, say, four or five really hard months, but it's only five months and just imagine how amazing you will feel. Eat well and do as much sport as you can fit in. Even little things like sit-ups before you go to bed can make you feel so much better about yourself. Honestly, this week I have only been eating healthily, with smaller portions, and I went once to the gym and have done 100 sit-ups every day, and already I am four pounds lighter. You can do it too! :o)

This will pass, and it is great that you vented here. I hope we can all help you feel a bit better.

Hugs,

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:47pm

Thank y'all so much for the encouraging words and making me feel like I'm not the only one that feels this way! I know you wonderful women are the best in giving good advice and you care about everyone on this board. :) (((HUGS))) back to you all!! I think that was one reason I just broke down and wrote my post.

I have always been an upbeat, smiling person, always looking on the bright side but some days it can be hard to pull off! I am really going to work on my weight and want to lose 29 of the 39 pounds which will still be a healthy weight for me....at 39 pounds lost, I was looking a little anorexic and people kept telling me to eat! lol I was just so active and ate all of the time though. I can handle 29. :)

This too shall pass....

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:57pm

Hi tj. Right now I am around the ex, his wife, new baby, and the family while Logan plays baseball. I get to see them 2x a week until the season ends and then I won't have to see them unless by accident. lol The ex and I see each other once a week because of having to pick up Logan. No big deal with that. His family has always thought people were jealous of them and that they are always right. I hate that type of mentality.

I have about another month of seeing them 2x a week and then a get a break! :)

Jennifer